Finding something to be thankful for...

Its the most complicated thing to do. I mean, you're already having a crappy day, you hate everything and everyone pretty much, and then you get to the one day of the year when you are expected to actually be thankful for things. And all you want to do is to give everyone the finger and tell them "Screw you guys, I'm goin' home!!!!" Which of course makes you look mean and crazy.

Anyways, things were different this Thanksgiving. I mean, since I was a little kid, Thanksgiving has pretty much consisted of the same thing...turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatos with mini marshmallows (burnt of course), homemade cranberries, discussions on what we are going to watch on the tv, fights over who stuck their finger in the tub of whip cream, a long argument over the use of the dish washer and who's rinsing and loading the dishes, trying to haul out 20 bags of trash, finding the wishbone and then passing out on the couch while watching football. Its always been the four of us, just around the house.

Then the boy's mom invited us next door for Thanksgiving dinner. My dad was pretty happy since he wouldn't have to cook a turkey and all that, I think me and my little brother were relieved that we wouldn't have to fight over the dishes. We agreed to do desserts (Mom's apple pie, yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum) and pretty much didn't worry about it too much.

Then the day came. And like everything else, we can't just have a normal discussion about things, we have to argue about it. I don't think we are happy sometimes, unless our voices are raised. Anyhoo, my mom was all antsy about going. My dad just wanted to get over there, and eat and nap and we kept reminding the lil bro to keep himself in check. Finally after we got over it, we went next door and sat down at with 20 other people. (The boy has a lot of family.) It was fun and i'm happy we did something different.

But, like always, I have a tendency to reflect on what i'm thankful for, mostly while i'm half asleep on the couch. I dunno, i'm trying to think of what I'm thankful for this year. At the very least, I am thankful I have a job, while it may be crappy and drive me crazy, I do have some kind of money coming in, so that is good. I still have my friends and family, though I may not see them much or talk to them often, I do have them. I have the boy in my life, who is a wonderful person, no matter how exasperating he is. I suppose i should be thankful for the thread of sanity I have in still left in my little brain. I mean that's the best I have right now though.

Never take a part time job, because it will become your full time life

That's from Pablo Picasso...i'm too tired to come up with things like that on my own, but not too tired to not acknowledge the smartness from where the thought is coming from. Because it is so true, at least at my estimation, that its not even funny anymore.

My life has become the radio station and Starbucks. Oh, and sleep. Those three things. I've actually forgotten if I've taken a shower somedays, I don't always remember what I ate or when I ate or if I've actually eaten. I dreamed about making Starbucks coffee the other night. I've had espresso contact highs on 3 different occasions, which has basically consisted of me babbling like a mad woman either to myself or someone else, mostly my parents. When I see them that is. I don't talk to my friends, I don't see the boy, and I'm lucky if I see my parents.

Its only going to get worse next week. I'm working 37 hours, just at Starbucks. I'd like to take a vacation from the radio station for a day or two at least in the next few weeks to actually have the ability to sleep. I'm tired of having no time for anyone else or myself. There are not enough hours in the day to do the things I need or want to do. I'm tired of feeling like i'm letting everyone down and I'm sick to death of busting my ass to make ends meet and getting nowhere fast. I have goals, things I want to do and places I want to go see and be. I want to spend time with people and be able to talk to people and have a conversation that doesn't consist of "I worked and I worked some more and I hate my life". THIS IS NOT MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will not become the best Starbucks barista ever or continue to be paid what I'm not worth to do something, where I don't even feel I'm appreciated at in the first place. I want to do something to help people, to make a difference and will give me some sort of job satisfaction at the end of the day. I want the ability to make ends meet without having to work myself to death. I want to be able to have a social life. I want to be able to vegitate and read and not have to worry about having to be somewhere or doing something. I want to be busy, but be able to tell people "Sorry, I'm taking a personal timeout". I don't have time to do that. I don't have time to cry.

I don't even have time to finish this damn post. Damnit!!!!

Time is a luxury...

...well at least in my world currently. Because of different events that have unfolded within the last three weeks, things that I've been dealing with for months have to come to a head. To say the least, I'm still surprised by some of the turns of events and I don't know what to make with some decisions that have come up in my career. I'm trying to get my head on straight still, because everytime I think I know what direction things are heading in, the rug seems to get sweeped out from under me. I think this is commonly refered to as life, or something like it. Hmm.

I dunno, either way, i'm tired of talking about these sorts of things for the moment. When I'm not talking about it, i'm thinking about it, when i'm not thinking about it, i'm dreaming about it, and the questions seem to constantly float into my conciousness, and I just want to SCREAM at the top of my lungs for it to stop and for me to be able to think about something, at least for a moment.

However, because certain events, my life is now everyday the news. For the last two years, I've definetely paid more attention to the news and the goings on of the worlds, than say the previous 5 years of college. However, now I pay even more attention, because, well, its my job.

So yeah, anyways, things seem to be going pretty crazy in the world. Hmm, a thought, could the craziness in my life be a reflection of the world around me? Hmm. Anyways, paying attention to all that and a format switch (from "Classic Rock" to "Classic Hits" and yes, there is a difference), I made some of my own connections. We now play a song called "Allentown" by Billy Joel. The last few times that I've heard it, I've mostly just jammed along with the music, because when I heard the song when I was little I loved the melody. Then it occured to me yesterday when I heard it that I never knew the lyrics to it.

Now that I know the lyrics, I can't believe how much this particular song is still so dead on with the life we live and the state of our country, and the song was written 26 years ago. I'm not saying its not possible, but it just amazes me when it happens. Anyways, not only am I exposing you to the lyrics, i'm linking you to the video (Thanks You Tube), 80s cheese and all. Please note that you get a buttcheek shot, fire batons and a guy in daisy duke shorts. But most importantly, yeah just listen to the music.

Well we're living here in Allentown
And they're closing all the factories down
Out in Bethlehem they're killing time
Filling out forms
Standing in line.

Well our fathers fought the Second World War
Spent their weekends on the Jersey Shore
Met our mothers at the USO
Asked them to dance
Danced with them slow
And we're living here in Allentown.

But the restlessness was handed down
And it's getting very hard to stay

Well we're waiting here in Allentown
For the Pennsylvania we never found
For the promises our teachers gave
If we worked hard
If we behaved.

So the graduations hang on the wall
But they never really helped us at all
No they never taught us what was real
Iron and coke,
Chromium steel.
And we're waiting here in Allentown.

But they've taken all the coal from the ground
And the union people crawled away

Every child had a pretty good shot
To get at least as far as their old man got.
If something happened on the way to that place
They threw an American flag in our face, oh oh oh.

Well I'm living here in Allentown
And it's hard to keep a good man down.
But I won't be getting up today.

And it's getting very hard to stay.

And we're living here in Allentown.

I'm 26 years old and a pop culture fiend...

Supposedly at the age of 26 you're supposed to be responsible. I don't know if this is entirely true, but I figure since I've been cleaning my house since 11:00 this morning, I can entitle myself with a quick break to do something awesome....

like creating my own Superhero!!!



I'm a total nerd and I know it. But its The Lizzle! She sizzles! She flys! She probably accidentally eats her hair while she's flying and has hit herself in the head more times than she can count with those stupid swords. However, I do have cool shoes and gloves.

If you want your own, you can just go here: http://marvelkids.marvel.com/create_your_own_superhero

Ok, back to work. ::whoosh::

We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play them.

Backstory: Professor Randy Pausch, a Carnegie Mellon University Computer scientist whose "last lecture" about facing terminal cancer became an internet sensation and a best-selling book died today. He was 47 years old. He was diagnosed with incurable pancreatic cancer in September 2006. His popular last lecture at Carnegie Mellon in September 2007 garnered international attention and was viewed by millions on the internet. The speech was part of a series Carnegie Mellon called "The Last Lecture", where professors were asked to think about what matters to them most and give a hypothetical final talk.

My story: I initially saw this video not long after they made Randy Pausch ABC's Person of the Week one week. The thing that I caught from it was the quote I have as the subject line. In the end, it probably describes life better than any other words I could come up with. I'll write more later as to give everyone time to watch the lecture. (Forewarning: The lecture is an hour and 16 minutes.)



The lecture series was born out of this thought: What would you say if you knew you were going to die and had the chance to sum up everything that was most important to you? For all the other professors in the series, it was just a hypothetical. For Pausch, it was real. He was given 6 months to live. And I think he does his best to explain what he would do and how he lived his life and interestingly enough how he obtained his childhood dreams. I honestly haven't thought about my childhood dreams in quite a while. In fact, i'm not entirely sure I could remember them, nevermind even achieve them.

26 is just around the corner. 30 is a lot closer than it should be, at least in my book. My goal for myself for at least one part of this weekend, is to really sit down, think about the things I want to do, big and small, and start coming up with a plan for me to attempt some of these things. I figure if this guy can make his dreams come true, I probably can too.

The Long Haul...

Gag me with a spoon if you want, but like I recently mentioned, me and the boy have hit 6 months. This is a big deal for me personally, but not for the reason you'd probably think. I'm pretty sure this is the longest relationship I've had up to this point, so at least at this particular moment, I am officially capable of staying in and maintaining a decent relationship for an extended period time, which after the last few years, I wasn't sure if I could actually pull off. For me and the boy, one, we didn't even realize it until two days after we made it "official" and when we did, it was more or less "Hey, we've been together 6 months ::pause:: Neat, want to watch a movie?" I mean its cool, but when we get to year, then we'll throw confetti at each other and do something ridiculous like go see a ridiculous movie or feed each other chocolate covered strawberries...actually, scratch that, if that happens, I'm going to need someone to haul me off to the looney bin for an extended stay. I'll feed myself chocolate strawberries, thanks anyways.


The point of this rather silly and drawn out story though, is that we've been together for 6 months and again me and a friend got into a discussion recently about...forever. F-O-R-E-V-E-R, forever. The long haul. Are we, as average, everyday human beings really meant to be together forever? We came to the initial conclusion that this might not be the case. Maybe we are supposed to have more than one person in our life, the idea that there's not just one person out there, because really, when we thought about it, that was a pretty scary thought, because what if you don't find that one person?


But, then we started thinking about couples who we knew who had done forever. Actually, i started that, because (1) I'm the eternal optimist and (2) for every one person who says you can't do it, I can always think of one couple who managed to beat the odds and stick it out for the long haul and be happy about it, my aunt and uncle who were together for 52 years. They went through the good, the bad and the ugly together. Dealing with the death of her parents and the repercussions that had on their life (they were taking care of kids before they had their own), financial troubles, losing two children in childbirth, raising 5 kids of their own, the death of his mother, buying a home and staying there for 40 years, going on their own adventures across the country, spending time with their nieces, nephews and grand kids and great grand kids, my aunt's life changing crippling knee injury and subsequent knee surgery, the celebration of their 50th wedding anniversary and then the subsequent decline in health of my uncle from asbestosis and his eventual death almost two years later. They went through a ton together. Some of those things would've caused one of the two partner's to walk away if it was any other combination of people, but they stuck it out together. And, I can honestly say that I have never met two people who were happy to be with each other. I mean, my uncle drove my aunt totally nuts sometimes, especially with his 5000 projects that he worked on around the house that never got totally finished and his inability to allow anyone to help in the kitchen during Christmas. And, my aunt drove my uncle nuts with her need to invite 7000 people over to the house during Christmas, her need to vacuum every single day, and the fact that they had managed to house birds, dogs, and several children and grandchildren over again. My aunt is a softy for anything with big eyes and a sad face. But, they loved each other, no matter what, and you could see that constantly.

My biggest memory from my Uncle's funeral was when I walked up to his casket and talked to my aunt for a few minutes, who was standing over him and just had her hand resting over his. She looked at me and told me that she just didn't know what she would do without him anymore. She was surrounded by so many people, her family, her friends and the community they lived in, but she had never felt so alone in her life. He had been the one true constant in her life for over 52 years, and all she could think about was how much she missed him, and how much she wished that he would get up out of that casket, so that he could help guide her through how she was going to handle all of this. I think that's when I realized how scary that feeling must be, to be on your own after the one person you've spent 50 years making decisions with is not there to help you. It would scare the crap out of me. At the same time though, that's exactly what I want.


Its such a nice idea, the idea that you can find someone who you can tolerate for longer than 15 minutes, who you can share everything with and still find more to share with them. You help each other get through the good and the bad, and you really are in it for the long haul, no matter what. I've met plenty of people that for them, when the going gets tough, they get the hell out. Its understandable, especially if you have the ability to walk away, to go ahead and walk away. Plus, you've got to know your tolerance level, what you can deal with and what you can't deal with. I also think it depends upon what kind of relationship you have with the person you're with. Sometimes, no matter how good or bad a situation is, you realize you can't be with them, and maybe its just the realization that you aren't supposed to be with this particular person, so I guess you keep going and hope that the right person is out there. I just know its a really nice idea. And maybe its my watching of silly chick flicks, but geez, I hope its true. I mean if its not I suppose I'll live, but, for once, just once, I'd like to believe that its possible that two people can love each other forever. And, not kill each other in the process anyways.

Go Your Own Way

Fleetwood Mac song, which came out about 2,000 years ago, but its a good song, and in particular, the title of the song struck me over the weekend.

We are all born and start out on a path. For about 18 years of our life, our parents are guiding us along, helping us out, teaching us what they think is the right and wrong thing to do. We have the influence of friends and peers who are learning right along with us and other influences that affect and help us make that final decision of which way we are going to go in each situation. That's a lot to process for one person, especially at the age of say like 13, when I first noticed that a lot of people around me were pretty prone to make decisions and well, live their life. Me? Well, I made my own decisions to a certain extent. I've also not made certain decisions because I knew that there would be people who would "disapprove". This has been a definete crutch for me in certain situations to an extent, and I didn't even realize how much so until I was talking with a friend and realized that. Sometimes, I feel so stunted in certain departments and I know its different for everyone, but its hard to feel that way, mostly because you feel like you are supposed to be that way, even if its ok for you to not be that way, you know? I dunno, i'm kinda talking out my ass on that one.

Anyhoo, the point is that during the start of my "rebellous" formative teenage years, I wasn't very, well, rebellous. Quite frankly, I went to school, followed the rules, stuck to the lines and pretty much didn't go there, for lack of a better description. I mean, I had my moments, where i'd tiptoe over the line, but for the most part, I went to school, I did stuff after school, i came home, i hung out with a few people and that was it. I can honestly say I never went to a party, I never drank anything I wasn't supposed to that my parents didn't know about, never smoked anything I wasn't supposed to, but most importantly, i never really adventured. I was just trying to get from point A to point B without getting my head shot off. God, I was a stick in the mud.

Then, I got to college, the "breakout" years. My freshman year, I was still pretty much sticking to the lines, at least at the beginning. By the end of that year, i had at least gotten drunk once and done something dumb (practical jokes, falling for an inappropriate boy, going to my one and only field party, which actually wasn't worth all the hype), which was nice, at least I could say I was experiencing college life. Sophomore year, I almost joined a sorority, still had a thing for an inappropriate boy and I think I sloppily made out with at least one other inappropriate boy...wait no, that was junior year. Between junior year and my two (count'em two) senior years, I did some "growing", took a couple chances and was willing to stick more than my toes over the line. There were still certain things that never happened for me at that point and let's face realities, i was perpetually single, for well, ever.

I'm going to be an old woman in just a few short weeks (HOLY CRAP!). I've been home for just over two years. In those two years, my family life has been shaken up, stirred and thrown around for the good, bad and ugly; i've reconnected with old friends, made new friends, gotten in fights with friends new and old and done my best to be a good friend in general; i've gone from being perpetually broke, to being kinda broke, to feeling like I was starting to inch ahead, and back to where I am now, which is well, being kinda broke; I have successfully managed to work where I wanted to work, for the first time in my life, a true decision that I made, inspite of the concequences that I knew faced me at the time, I did it, I worked where I wanted, I made that choice and I have to say that i'm happy I did that, despite being broke for two years; i've fallen for more inappropriate boys, dated a couple of them for a moment or two, made out with a few boys, almost beaten up one or two of them and am now officially (go ahead, gag with me) at 6 months with THE boy; best of all, i'm slowly, but surely, learning about taking care of myself and being their for myself, because there are a lot of people in the world, who want a piece of me one way or another, and i've realized that without taking care of myself and doing ridiculous things like sitting in my room with a face mask on, while reading Rolling Stone and listening to cheesy 80s music, i'm never going to be able to be, well, me. And in order to be me, in order to go my own way, i've got to be able to know what I want. Much easier said than done. But, i'm learning more and more everyday that its possible; worst of all I've come to realize that without doing things for yourself, you will get cheated out of living life.

Let me really explain that last part. People have their own minds, their own life experiences, their own way of making decisions. Now, you could be how I was for a long time, making decisions for the good of everyone, bending over backwards and overextending myself to make sure that everyone was ok and taken care of and having fun etc. I was perfectly content, as long as everyone else was having fun. This saved me from a lot of things. Most specifically, it saved me from ever having to make a decision. I didn't have to decide, because I let everyone decide for me and went with it. Which was good for me, because as I've discovered, especially within the last few months, I don't totally know what I want. I mean there are certain things I know about myself, and certain things I know that I want. But, for the first time in a while, I'm starting to realize that I don't know what I want, and I have to figure out what I want. My brain finally is starting to get that its not selfish to do what you want and take care of yourself. I've always said that no one is going to take care of you, unless you take care of yourself. And, you're never going to live life to the fullest going "Well, I'll just go with the flow". Sometimes you have to go out there, let your opinion be known right or wrong, fall on your face, say what you mean and mean what you say and have some damn fun, damn the costs or what others think, because as a friend told me last week, "If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong". Now, I won't say that I don't still find myself reverting back to my first mindset of sometimes doing things, even when I don't want to do them, but, i'm starting to get better. I'm reminding myself that its ok to take care of myself, make time to clean my room, to exercise, to eat, to sleep, to watch a movie I want to watch, the laugh hysterically at the silliness that is "Gene Simmons: Family Jewels", to figure out how the hell my car works, to eat shrimp on a regular basis and to still have more than 3 pairs of shoes. I'm also slowly but surely accepting that i'm going to make mistakes, I'm not going to be perfect, i'm not going to spend my money perfect, and that sometimes making the right decision for me, means that there may just be others who are not going to approve. The day when I can truly and honestly believe that it doesn't matter and that I have to be happy that I made the decision that's best for me, that'll be a good day for me.

Its rare but it happens...

I'm going to take one moment out of my blog that is usually reserved for my random life ramblings to show you something of a big impact to our nation. Well, I don't know if its a big impact, but its a reflection of the impact that a person can have on another person. Granted he's in the media, but you've got to give him props for his ballsiness.



I normally do not talk about my opinions on politics and war. In all truth, I have much stronger opinions about the war, than I do about politics itself. Maybe they are entertwined, but in all honesty, nothing gets me more hopped up some days than the war.

I have been against the war for quite a while. If nothing else, I've always felt that the war was an excuse to keep the country distracted while there were a lot of other things going on behind the scenes to benefit everyone except this country and the world at large. It was the benefit the big guys, the man. Not to help save the world from terrorism. The world hasn't been saved. We've got big, huge problems throughout the world, from the cyclone disaster in Myanmar and the earthquake in China, to Global Warming, to the recession of this country and the financial distress that exists in many other countries, to the lack of general caring about anyone else or those in need. But that's the thing. My dad told me recently that "Charity starts at home." And I believe that with all my heart. Its not a selfish thing, its about the idea that before you can fix anyone else's problems, you have to fix your own. And yes, we were attacked. But our country's President tried using the rather flimsily disguised excuse that we had to save the world from terrorism. And for some reason we marched into Iraq, the country that didn't even attack us and now we've lost many men and women over a war that no one still understands the true reason behind to this day. It wasn't about helping anyone or saving anyone. It was about looking good to the world and money and many other reasons that we may never know. Maybe if we had fixed problems within our own country first, we would be able to help other people now. Or hell, maybe we would be able to help ourselves now if we had just stayed out of a country we had no business going in, in the first place.

Ok, sorry, I know. Pushing political beliefs and opinions on others, is against my very nature. I just needed a rant I suppose.

Fretting about the Future...

If you've taken the time to read my last entry, you may have noticed it took me fricking forever to publish it. That was because in the mid-process of a huge thought process about art and how it plays into my life...well, life happened.

Things change, constantly. And life happens whether you participate in it or not. And I don't know if I've been truly participating in some parts of my life lately. Especially a while back. I was kind of in a haze for a mix of different reasons. Having a new boy will do that. Having a lot of stress on you will do that. Existing on a lack of sleep will do that. The point is, I was existing. Which was nice, sorta. And I think when I decided to participate again was when everything hit the fan...almost quite literally.

I won't go into full details, but 3 major, almost life changing events happened around me within less than 24 hours. I'm sorry if that seems dramatic, but believe me, its almost typical of my life. It was like a 1-2 punch more or less. I'm not really sure how i'm standing and that happened almost 3 weeks ago. I don't know why those were such life changing events for me, except that maybe it was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was like I literally blew a fuse and just took that jump off the deep end. Those 3 events, seemed to set me on the path to make some changes in my life, and the only logical thing I can come up with, was that I needed that final push to do something and not just exist anymore. Not that I've been totally just existing, I've been doing a lot of things, a lot of fun things that are exciting, once in a lifetime adventures that I would never have been able to do, if I wasn't where I was at. I guess what it is, is that those things just aren't enough for me anymore. Those adventures are not going to sustain me and help me get to where I truly want to be. And it is time to move onward and upward.

I want more for myself than what I have right now. I want my own place. I want to be able to share a kitchen and bathroom with one person, not 3 other people. I want to be able to afford to pay all my bills and then have something left over to make it through the week, without feeling like if I spend a penny, i'm going to end up broke. In a year from now, I'd like a newer car, a newer camera and maybe a karaoke machine. I want a lot of things. But i'm not going to get those things continuing along the path I'm on.

I dunno, i've been fretting a lot lately. Worrying. About the future and my place in it. About life and the things going on around me and what sort of decisions people in my life are making. Of course, I worry about everything. And I apologize for worrying. I apologize for everything. I have even been known to apologize for apologizing! I'm a weird, strange human being. But I know this about myself which is half the battle.

Thank goodness I know that too. Thank goodness for knowing who I am to a certain extent. I mean, I don't think everyone ever truly knows themselves, or by the time you do, you're about 97 years old and pretty much on your last legs. I guess by then its just nice to know it and just keep going, breathing. Its hard to know yourself though I suppose. I still discover new stuff about myself everyday. Some of its simple, like that I seem to have become an amazingly good bowler. Some of it is much more complicated, like the strength I seem to have within that sometimes I seem to forget about until its brought out of me, one way or another.

All good things to know, especially for the future. You never know what the future is going to bring or what things you will need to know to get through what the future throws at you. I didn't expect, well, any of the things that have happened to happen the way they happened. You know what I mean? You expect life to take turns, to take time, to not seem to have a lot of things happen all at once. And when that does happen, you really only want to collapse in a heap and not get up for a while. It would be really nice to give up and just not worry about it. But, when you're at the point I'm at, I guess you just can't give up. You have to keep going and hope that things get better. Its a slow process, but I already feel better for some of the decisions that I've chosen to make. And that makes the future, look oh so much brighter.

Perspectives...

Note: Forgive me, I know I haven't posted, but my life has been pure chaos the last few weeks. Its taken me three weeks to post this thought process. Its very scrambled. My next post will be more entertaining or enlightening or whatever.

After years (and I really do mean years, its not an exageration) of taking pictures, I've come to one conclusion...its all about perspective.

Recently, I had the chance to take my trusty Canon 35 mm camera out of its bag, dust it off and put it to some more good use. I've had this camera since I was a freshman in college. Used my money from my tax return that year to purchase the camera. I was so excited, I could hardly stand it. I knew the minute I saw this camera in the window at the store, I had to have it. I was so proud of my purchase and protective of this camera, I bought a huge Canon case and camera cleaning supplies. The minute I got to school that weekend, I strapped on my camera and took pictures around my dorm, mostly of the dorm itself, the flowers I had bought, people on my hall, the outside of the building, stuff like that. Some pictures came out cool, some didn't.

I blame that purchase on my freshman biology professor, who's name I couldn't recall if my life depended on it. However, as it turns out, if it wasn't for her, I probably wouldn't even have taken photography into consideration, wouldn't have really gone ahead and purchased the camera, nothing. I had to do an environment project for the class, basically take pictures in or around the city I lived in back home, of one area that was an example of a "healthy" environment and another of a "polluted" area. That was easy enough, i'm surrounded by water, and I knew of the lake that I had been going to since I was a little kid that was actually in really great condition (and still is to this day) and then another body of water that connects with the ocean that well, quite frankly is a mess. Hmm. Anyhoo, I went down there, took pictures with, of all things a disposable camera, cause I was in a hurry and just needed to get the pictures done. (Yes, I procrastinate.) Got them developed, slapped them up on foam board and hauled ass back to school.

Went to class that Monday and did a little presentation, about the enviroment, the distances between the two areas I went to, the biggest problems with the bad enviroment, what, if anything could be done to improve the bad area to look as good as the good enviroment, etc. Anyhoo, I had to go to her office to get the grade or whatever and while we were sitting there talking, she asked me about my pictures...where I took them at, what I took them with etc. She said the pictures were really good, had I ever considered taking photography courses or a minor? That thought had never even crossed my mind. But once she put it there, I couldn't get it out. Of course, I, in my course of studying at Longwood, never got around to actually finishing a minor, but I did take some classes. Enough to definetely improve my talent a great deal. Or at least give myself the knowledge to improve it.

Well, in truth, I don't know if I could blame my photography interest on my biology teacher. Maybe it started before. Recently, me and my mom were looking at old pictures from when me and the baby brother were little and as we were flipping through, I stumbled upon a picture of my parents and baby brother as a newborn. My parents were looking down at him, and he's got his little fist balled up, he's all red and tiny. But I can't explain the look on my parents face, its one of pure joy and peace. Me not thinking obvious at the time, I asked my mom who took the picture and she said "you did, you just turned around, looked at us, and took the shot, then turned back around and went back to looking at the camera." I'll have to find the picture and put it up sometime. Its not the greatest picture ever, and its obvious that the camera quality wasn't too great, and had i moved a quarter of an inch up or down, I probably would've cut my dad's head off or cut my brother out of the picture all together. But honestly, for a 7 year old? It shows promise.

I guess that's why I like photography so much. In much of my life where sometimes my perspective doesn't matter or when I can't seem to get my perspective out there, photography is the one place where I can take a picture of what I want and its mine, all mine. Its what I saw at the particular moment, that I wanted to capture. Its nice to know that I can get those out there and maybe give people not only a peek into what I see, but hopefully something pretty too.

This whole perspective thing kind of plays into my life lately, well certain parts of my life anyway. There are a lot of things changing right now. Some of it is going to be for the better. Some of it may not be. And I find that there's not much I can do about all of it. I've been angry and upset and annoyed a lot lately. I'm tired of all those things. I don't want to be angry and upset anymore. In the past and even now, the question once in a while gets thrown out there of "What do you want out of life?" For the most part, truthfully, I just want to be content and happy. I want to enjoy life. I'll figure out the rest later. And some of it I may never figure out. I just know that in some parts of my life, perspectives have been blown out of proportion. Bigger deals have been made out of things than necessary. Right and Wrong and who's on which side of it has been put before friendship. It really is about perspective. But you have to put that perspective in the right frame of mind, or your doomed to never see the whole picture. (Cheesy, yes I know. Don't judge me.)

Anyways...I really do believe that photography is all about perspective. I believe in the end that no two people see something the same way. Or at least they rarely do. There are pictures my friends take that I wouldn't have thought to take, or for me, I catch something at just the right moment that makes me go "I need to get this shot now". But its about what your eye sees. Sometimes, its about tilting your head at the right angle, or squinting just right. And I think the beautiful thing about photography, is that everyone can show off their perspective.

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

::sigh:: Ok, so i'm gonna tell a story first...

One of my roommates in college, flat out hated change. I had never met anyone less accepting of change than this girl. She hated being told that change was a natural part of life and that we had to accept it, because there wasn't much we could do about it. In some cases as far as she was concerned, if she ignored change, then things stayed the way they were. Not even accepting the fact that she changed over time.

I on the other hand learned that in life, change was a natural everyday part of life. Change was the way of the world...i'm not saying I liked it, I mean I still don't like when things change right before my eyes. But I understand why it happens...that there is probably a reason for it and that the only way you are going to continue to become a better stronger person is to let change happen. Not only to allow it to happen, but to also allow yourself to change. Staying stagnant as a person doesn't really give you much color. Or let you have much fun.

Change is good, not only in yourself, but in others, in who you surround yourself with. Where you live, what you do, what hobbies you have. I've been learning about pool lately because of the boy. I'm horrible at it, absolutely horrible. But, I'm not as terrible as I was two months ago. I still love music and photography though. Those are my two passions that define me. They define me as a person. I listen to new music all the time though. As for photography, maybe there will come a day when I will turn that hobby into a job. How cool would that be? But those are my true passions in life.

I've noticed that there are people who seem to change at a moment's notice. Whether its that they get bored quickly or they just can't take where they are at in life, they have to change something in there life. Whether it's there clothes or their job or their hair...or their address, they find it necessary, not just to change, but to literally almost rip the roots out of the ground and replant them somewhere else. They seem to have to destroy the artwork known as the life they built and re-arrange things, because they can't take where they are at. At least, that's what I see.

But I don't understand that. Doing that. Maybe its the turtle in me. The turtle in me who loves to just go along and let change happen as it happens. I mean maybe I make a decision and that changes things. But I feel like some people lately are making decisions because they are too impatient to wait for life to happen. And I don't think they realize how that affects people when they make those changes. Again, i'm not saying change is bad, and i'm not saying you can be prepared for every change in life or that change will happen slowly. I don't know, I guess I'm just wondering why people are so selfish to believe that their change won't affect the people around them, their loved ones? Cause people are affected. And yeah, we're grown ups and we all have to accept it, that people are going to make their own decisions and that's going to change things. But how do you learn anything about yourself changing constantly? Never trying to settle down, to stay in one place?

I dunno, I probably am really wrong about this, which is ok. I'm not a proponent of a stagnant life, but shouldn't you keep some part of your life the same? Whether its your home or some part of yourself? I mean, isn't keeping something, some part of you the same, doesn't that show that you are happy with who you are? With where you are? If you constantly change, isn't that just as bad as never changing?

What is this world coming to?

In my line of work, its pretty important to know what's going on around you. I mean, you know, you watch the news, read the paper, check out the internet and you see what's going on. I mean most of it is everyday stuff that we are "used" to, for lack of a better word...fire here, assault there, Bush screwed something up again, congress fighting again, price of gas going up, its all stuff that we as a country have become used to. And as a part of the media, I've become used to it too. I know that Nikki is going to report on atleast two of those items everyday, if not more. Its the way of the world.

But even I have a hard time swallowing some of the stuff I see and read about. There is a moment, where I suddenly become aware of the world around me and wonder "When is enough enough? What is it going to take for people to become aware?"

I was on Drudge Report, where this guy Matt Drudge puts together news headlines on his website from around the world and a listing of the major television/newpaper/magazine websites. I haven't looked at it in a few days, so I figured I'd check it out. And just below the main headline (which is about some British newspaper reporting that the US is in the middle of the new Great Depression, geez, wonderful) there was a headline that I just couldn't ignore...Group of Third Graders Plot to Attack Teacher...WHAT?!...Do you know what I was plotting in the third grade? How to get a new box of crayons from my mom! And this wasn't a small group of like 2 or 3 kids, this was like 11 kids. Eleven 9-10 year olds sitting there plotting how to hurt someone.

I officially don't understand anymore. Any of it. For a second. I mean how did those kids get there? Seriously? I want to know. As it was, the house I lived in, my mom did her best to keep the violence off the TV and me out of the house and stuff. Ok, no ones perfect and I saw stuff on the news, but even that wouldn't drive me to be an angry kid and go "Let's hurt someone" or be a kid who goes "Hey, sounds like a good idea to hurt someone". Again, I don't understand...and i'm trying to. Or atleast rationalize it.

No, you know what, i'm not trying to do either of those things. I'm trying to find the answer to fix this. To fix the state that our society, our world has seemed to slip into. And of course, the first step to fixing a problem is knowing the ins and outs of the problem. But I think even if I know that, I still won't even come close to a solution on how to fix this. I mean how do you fix the way people think, and the "Hyena" complex of going with the group. You can't fix those things necessarily. Half of it is innate, instinctual...half of it is common sense. Which there seems to be a real lack of right now.

Truthfully, I'm an optimistic person. Because I want to fix it. And because I can't allow myself to become downtrodden with the state of the world. 1, I have to believe that not EVERYONE in the world is this way. Also, I mean I do have my own things to tackle personally, which I have to fix before I can go around fixing the world's problems. At the same time, its awfully hard to stay optimistic when you read those things everyday. I still believe the world is going to get better one day, or at least I want to believe that. I just think its going to take a really long time to get there. And its going to take more than just me realizing that there's a lot going on in the world that needs a little or a lot of fixing.

I don't know. I just don't know somedays.

Can't always get what you want...Thanks Mick and Keith...

Sometimes, just sometimes, I'm so exhausted that all I want to do is go hide in my room and not talk to anyone. Its rare but it happens.

I think this is gonna be one of those weeks for me. One of those weeks when I find people exhausting and I'm going to have to repeat to myself "You can't please all the people, all the time." Someone is just gonna have to be unhappy come the end of the week.

Here's the thing, I spend a lot of time worrying about people and what they think about me and the things I do and how I treat people. Which is why I go out of my way to treat people how I want to be treated. Cause I figure they'll return the same courtesy to me.

I don't know what world I live in...apparently the land of Cotton Candy clouds and chocolate mud. This week, I'm tired of bending over backwards and making sure everyone is hunky dory ok, etc. You know what, I get tired too. I get exhausted. I don't feel like being nice. I don't feel like talking. I don't feel like having fun. I want to sit in my room with my eyes closed, and just breathe. Hell, maybe even cry a little. Crying is very theraputic for me. It makes ME feel better.

I'm not trying to be self-centered or anything. And normally, I could care less. Normally, I just go with the flow and kind of float along, happy, content, good natured. I'm TIRED of being good natured. I don't feel like it. Everyone is allowed to take care of themselves, and I don't want to feel guilty for how I feel. You know what I want...I want a freaking massage, a cabana boy and a frickin Margarita. I want to do what I want. I'm 25 years old, why am I still worrying about what I can and can't do? Why?!

(I'll be better later. It just early in the morning and I don't feel like being at work today because I don't and I just want to lay in bed and face the wall. But, I'll be better later. Or at least I'll try to be.)

At a loss...

Me? At a loss? For what you ask? Normal answer for most people is words...however, since speaking is a part of my job on a daily basis, I'm rarely at a loss for words anymore, unless you shock the hell out of me...which has been known to happen from time to time.

No, no, today, I was at a loss for...music. Huh? What? You don't get it? I'll try to explain...

Most occasions, social and otherwise, I've always been able to find just the right "soundtrack" for lack of a better word, that goes with the occasion. In college, going to a certain party, no problem, let me just whip up my super awesome CD of dancable music. Need to rock out, I got it! That's just one example though.

What I'm really talking about here is being able to find that song, that album, that one lyric that manages to perfectly describe and sum up what is going on in my life, so that (1) I can listen to that song and maybe get through some of the emotions I'm feeling and so that (2) I can simply listen to the song or play the song and people understand my perspective at the moment. Music again, is a very big thing for me.

I'm at a loss in terms of music at the moment...I cannot seem to find that song, that lyric, that melody that I feel will perfectly sum up my life at the moment. I mean granted, nothing ever will, but I can usually come pretty close. I have nothing right now. Not a thing...I don't know how to put what I'm feeling into the form of music. I can't express it!

Quite frankly, its kinda killing me. I need that catharsis in my life. I mean there are songs, that are close, that are getting there, but I haven't found it yet. Its like a stupid itch I can't scratch! I want, no, NEED to find that song. I know it sounds silly, but its my thing, you know? Its like this, if I can find the song, that'll guide me towards the words, at least I hope it will. I mean I have some words to describe what I'm feeling, but they just don't compare to the actual feeling. Its the kind of thing where I can't even seem to talk about it with anyone, not because I don't WANT to, but because I don't know WHAT to say! Words just won't do it justice. I could pretend like they would, but they won't. My words, they just can't seem to explain what I want to say.

Gah! This is so fustrating! I mean I know I can put it in the simplest of terms and I have. I just don't feel like I'm doing the whole situation justice. Maybe because in truth, for once in my life, I'm in a situation that is bigger than words or music could ever express. Hmmm.

You are who or what you love, not what you eat.

Well, unless one of your what's includes food...then I suppose you could be what you eat in that regard. Maybe.

Anyways, I dunno, I've been thinking again. I probably shouldn't be allowed to think so often, it leads to bad things sometimes. Like the Great Boston Adventure '04...by the time that day was done, I ended up laughing hysterically to the point where I could not stop for 45 minutes. 45 minutes of laughter people...that's almost insanity right there. If I hadn't loved it so much.

I love to laugh. Ask any of my friends. I laugh at just about everything. If it could be found even remotely funny, I will probably laugh at it. I will probably laugh at you at some point, not to be mean, but because I found something funny. I mean, c'mon, I laugh at myself all the time, which gives me the total right to laugh at you when you trip, fall and not so gracefully slide across a floor or something.

I adore John Cusack. I think he is quite possibly my favorite actor in the whole entire wide world. He makes me laugh, I can relate to his movies, I love the fact that he is sarcastically funny in his movies and that he has the dry way of delivering lines which just makes it that much funnier. And he's so damn cute. I mean he's old, but he's cute. I could go on. But I won't.

Again, I love music. All kinds of music. Play it for me, if I haven't heard it, i'll give it a shot. If I have, I will be more than happy to listen again and again and again. Yeah, music = true love.

I love Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Like, I have a serious problem when it comes to them. I mean, you could probably convince me to sell my car to you for a penny and a pack of Peanut Butter Cups. Well, probably not, but I would take it into serious consideration. Reese's Cups make my day. In the best way possible. Have a bad day, have a peanut butter cup, you'll be happier, swear!

I'm a total girl when it comes to this, but I love romantic comedies...in the worst way. Love Actually, Bridget Jones' Diary, When Harry Met Sally, The Princess Bride, oh I could go on. I mean when I was single and had the rare weekend to myself, I had no issue curling up with one of those movies, some peanut butter cups and my stuffed Snoopy and being content to watch them. Laugh, cry, and maybe, just maybe, secretly wish that something like that could happen to me. The truth is that I'm a romantic at heart. I really do believe in honest to god true love. Ugh, even I want to throw up a little, but its true. I'm way too optimistic to not think otherwise.

I love my friends. Adore them really. These are the people who have been there for me through thick and thin. The bad times and good. And vice versa. I am that girl who will go running to a friend with a bag of peanut butter cups, a good movie and a box of tissues going "Ok, what are we doing people?" when I find out someone is in trouble or sad or whatever. My friends are a big part of my life.

I love my family, as nuts as they drive me. And they drive me pretty bananas somedays. But, for all of that, I still love them. I love that we are able to talk to each other about stuff and that we can argue and get our things out, and then get over it and just be together. I love that they support me no matter what and that I can make decisions for myself, even if they want to fight me on it. I love that my little brother is a smarty pants, even if he is a pain.

I love the Peanuts characters. Specifically Snoopy. Snoopy is the best dog ever. If I could've owned a real Snoopy, I would've. But really I'll settle for any kind of dog. I don't care. I just want a puppy to love. :)

And...::drum roll::...I love a boy. Who saw that one coming? Not me. I feel like I've gotten hit by semi about 14 or 15,000 times. But I do. I don't know how or when it happened. It just did. And It makes ya feel different. Because most of those other things I've had for a really long time. Most, if not all of my life, or a good part of my life at least. But, there's always been things missing. Or something missing. And this, this thing with him, its so different from everything else I've ever experienced. Its real, its not something I have to question, or wonder about, or debate or analyze. I know he feels the same exact way. I don't have to worry about turning my head just so or batting my eyes in a certain way, or if I do this or that he'll notice me. Its so nice. And, that is just wonderful.

I don't really know why I wrote this, except maybe I'm just in that kind of mood today. The feeling loved kind of mood. :) Maybe this will help spread a little bit of love into your world today. Maybe the Beatles are right and "All You Need is Love".

Music = The Love of My Life

I'm really not joking. It really is. I mean, I'm not saying there's not a person who I may or may not be realizing is inching towards that title too. Which is a rarity for me. Its taken me quite a while, but for the first time in my life I've found someone who makes me feel close to the way music makes me feel. We'll have to see as time goes on, but I take this as progress. Maybe even a sign that I'm growing up. Maybe.



But music, ah music. You really are the love of my life. The one thing that I have truly come to depend upon in good and bad times. No matter what, there is a moment, a lyric, a sound, something that helps to define the place I'm at in my life and to help put things into perspective for me. Its not a personal thing or a statement that people can't do that for me. But music is that force for me.



For as long as I can remember music has always been a major part of my life in one form or another. I grew up during the birth and rise of MTV. I was the 3 year old sitting there tapping my feet along to Michael Jackson's Billie Jean (My foot starts involuntarily tapping EVERY TIME I hear that bass line) and my own little scandalous moment of imitating Madonna's dance from her "Like a Virgin" video (My mom proceeded to turn the channel every time the video came on, I apparently had the moves down a little too well for her to handle).



I loved all music as a kid and ate up every single sound I could get my little hands on. My parents, being the age difference (20 years) and the background differences (Dad = White (Irish decent), Mom = Hispanic (Colombian)), had very different tastes. When my dad would drive me to school, we listened to oldies (like 50s doo wop and 60s) and country. Secret: I still love Reba McIntire to this day...I know, I know, its country, but I do. Johnny Cash is a freaking Icon, have you heard his music? Hank Williams...I could go on. Anyways, my mom would pick me up in the afternoon and I got my radio flipping habits from her. She never stayed on one channel. She listened to current pop, rock, then flip it to Led Zeppelin and The Beatles or R&B or Top Forty. I'd sit there just bopping away, learning lyrics and that was my kind of day. It was the days when I stole my mom's old small stereo that had a cassette player, record player and radio on it, and hooked it up in my room so I could play my Rainbow Brite Record (Yes, I had a Rainbow Brite Record) for 15 hours straight and listen to....wait for it...New Kids on the Block. You got the right stuff....baaaaaaaaaby...(Don't judge me, it was 1988, we are all allowed to make mistakes at the age of 6.) OH, and stealing my mom's Billy Joel tapes and Fleetwood Mac records...and Stevie Wonder too. I have problems.

Music has always helped me get through the good. I mean that's easy enough, you find an upbeat song, dance around your room or wherever and you just let loose. Its the tough times...the tough moments where nothing seems to make you feel better, jokes don't work, sometimes even hugs aren't enough. At least they aren't for me. Its when I put on my iPod or start looking through my CDs, just trying to find that one song, that one lyric that I need to hear to remind me that things are going to be ok, you know, when I've tried to remind myself that 1000 times, and I just can't seem to get it through my head. It was my knee jerk reaction in 7th grade when my dad lost his job, I just ran to my room, shut the door and jacked up Matchbox Twenty's Yourself or Someone Like You and just collapsed on the floor staring at the ceiling. It amazingly enough was Fleetwood Mac's Rumours that I turned to when my dad had a heart attack my junior year of HS. I know, but Rumours is an amazing record. I HIGHLY recommend listening to it. And I don't always listen to an album because I'm looking for those lyrics. Sometimes, I put the music on and I just get involved in the melodies and the sounds and whatever else makes up the music and it takes my mind off of whatever troubles I have. It gives me time to re-group, so that I can think and figure out how I want to deal with something. Other times I hit just the right song that brings out the right emotions in me, whether its joy or sadness and its therapeutic and I get everything out of my system and I'm ok. I feel better and I can deal.

Music is just this entity. I don't even think I can put it into words. Its just something I truly understand on all levels. Its the one thing I can talk about for hours on end, read about for days, experience for a lifetime and still want to know more! Truthfully, its probably an obsession, but its a better obsession than cocaine, so i'm gonna go with music.

This is why I couldn't answer the question of my favorite music. Music is such an experience for me that trying to narrow it down to my favorite albums or bands or whatever could very well take me forever. And I could be listing for forever. Like that whole question "What's your number 1 top desert island album?"...I can't answer that question. I've tried to narrow it. No success as of yet. Once I come up with the answer, I'll let you know.

Contradictory Beliefs...

Yeah, I don't even know how I got here, but suffice it to say, I did.

I think it started out with a conversation I had with the artistically crazy one Friday, about our religious beliefs. She and I talk a great deal about money, no problem. This is because we are in the same boat: broke as hell and hoping and believing that it will get better, that it has to get better. But when it comes to politics and religion, we don't talk nearly as much.

Now for me, Politics is really something I don't talk about much with anyone. Truth be told, this is mostly because I actually have a great deal of disdain for politics and politicians. I really do believe we are stuck picking the less of two evils. Choose your poison type deal. I do admittedly still try to be optimistic about the whole thing though. I'm trying to look at all the presidential candidates positions, on both sides and all that. I still probably won't feel good about my decision come November though. But I'm still gonna vote. Causing voting at the very least gives you the right to complain when they screw up. Unless its your candidates.

As for religion...well, I don't know why I don't talk about religion more. I think in part, it has to do with me being raised catholic. As catholics, we are taught that it is ok to worship, pray, show up atleast once a week, confess your sins every six months or so, get married in the church (as long as you're marrying a catholic that is), baptise your kid catholic, etc. But, that's what you do in the church. You don't or really shouldn't show off about your beliefs. Though maybe that has to do more with my parents. They taught me about the idea that its ok to have your beliefs, but its not necessary to go around screaming it at the top of your lungs and pushing it on other people, because they have their beliefs too. Hmm.

Disclaimer: Oh, and contrary to popular belief, the more modern catholics (atleast the ones at my church) don't go around damning everyone. So don't worry, I'm not going to tell you that your going to hell. I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell, but I only know about my karma.

Which leads to the contradictory belief. Being raised catholic, taught there's only one God, and the father and the son and the holy spirit and Mary, Mother of Jesus, being a pretty important character too (I mean she did manage to get knocked up without having sex...c'mon people, you've got to give her points for pulling that off), and the saints and disciples, but that's it! Nothing else. Can't believe in Allah, or Buddha or any other Gods and stuff. And I don't, I buy into that, sort of. Maybe, I don't really know, and I will never pretend to have the answers to that. However, I was also taught that you don't do the bad ju-ju...i.e. Horoscopes (which I love to read for a good laugh), magic, voodoo, the Ouija board, chi AND Karma.

People, I believe in Karma. I'm serious about it. Not like crazy serious, but I really do believe in it. I believe what you send out into the world, you get back. I think they kind of teach stuff like that within the church, but you kind of get looked down upon when you call it Karma. But I believe in it...whether its because of my formative High School years, where I kinda watched things from the outside looking in mentality and saw it happen over and over again or whether it was because of my EXTREMELY formative College years, where I experienced Karma first hand, both good and bad.

Now, I am not a judgemental person, I have been told and really do believe I'm possibly one of the most non-judgemental people you could ever meet. I'm not completely non-judgemental, I have my moments, but for the most part, I atleast understand where people are coming from and that they have their reasons for the things they do. I have no reason to judge, i've done my share of wrong things too. And, without those wrong things, those mistakes, you wouldn't be where you are now and we are all where we are at for a certain reason. Atleast, that's my belief.

But, I do think Karma is that sign of what you've done right or wrong. Everything in life, EVERY ACTION (and this is basic 8th grade physical science by the way, not just karma or religion or whatever) has an equal opposite reaction for what you do. That's just the way life rolls. So, you get the good, and you run with it for as long as you can, and then along comes the bad and you know what, you gotta roll with that too, because hell, that's what you dished out for yourself. Hell, sometimes you get a mix of good and bad at the same damn time! And, i'm not saying that EVERYTHING that happens is because of Karma, because I don't totally believe that either. I think its a mix of things, plus you're dealing with other people's karmas and what not, and you know what, I hate to say it, but sometimes, just sometimes, things happen, because they happen. No real rhyme or reason, and maybe that's karma coming into play somehow, but sometimes, its just the way things are.

And, no, this is not about convincing you to be catholic or to look into karma or anything like that. This is just me. Talking. Cause its MY blogger. And I will blog what I want. (Please note to those of you who actually know me that my nose went up in the air when I wrote that last sentence, please laugh hysterically now.) Point is, hey, you're reading this. Maybe I'll let you get to know a little bit about me.

Like that I'm a catholic...I'm also a karma believer...and a believer that things just happen. But don't worry, I won't be touching the Ouija board...even I know when to keep away from THAT bad ju-ju.

Oh, and I really don't like artificial banana flavored anything! At all. Not even popcicles. Ick. That's important to know about me too.

Welcome...

to me, to this corner of the world.

I honestly figured since my friends have started their blogs on here, I should maybe start one here too. And the neato thing, I get polka dots. Polka dots are awesome.

We're off to a great start. You barely even know me and I've already started with the random craziness. Oh well, you better get used to it. As someone once said "I am crazy and it is not getting better." Oh well, craziness gives me layers. Layers are good.

I'm not the deepest person ever. I highly doubt I will ever write the great novel or create the most amazing music ever. Hell, I'm not even sure I'll register more than the slight blip I register now. But, I do like to believe I have interesting thoughts about life.

For instance...Life is hard enough as it is without taking yourself very seriously. And believe me, for my 25 years, I still have a hard time not taking myself so seriously somedays. At the same token, life is what it is. You can't really change what's going to happen, how people will relate to you and vice versa and just all the things that come with living day to day.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about life lately. About where I'm at. What I want to do. Who I want to spend my time with. Things like that. I'm not even close to figuring it all out yet. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to figure it all out. Hell, I could probably contemplate all of this for the rest of my life and still not even be close to a conclusion of if I did anything right by the time I die. But really, who wants to sit around worrying about that? Besides me, I mean...

I dunno, like you look at your life and you look at the people around you and their lives and do you ever find yourself wondering "Maybe I should have done this?"...I spend time doing that. I know I shouldn't, its not good, and it just gets you down. But still, I have to sometimes wonder if I really did take the right path in the end...I mean obviously I can't change where I have ended up at this point, I made those decisions in the past and they are made. I did what I did and went where I went and this is where I am. And, that's cool. I mean, I've met great people who I call my best friends and I've had great adventures so far. But, sometimes I wonder if I'm striving far enough. Am I trying hard enough? Or am I just coasting through life because this is where I have convienetly ended up? I guess what I'm asking is "Is this it?". I don't know. I'd like there to be more. I guess that's why I'm always coming up with stuff to do and places to go and visit and stuff. Because I want to experience all life has to offer, even if its only for a little while. I don't mind making a small blip, I'm really ok with that I suppose. But I would like to know that my blip may have been small, but my life in general was not. You know what I mean? Probably not...

Its ok, I'm not really sure I know what I mean either.