I Will Not Hate Everything Because I Hate My Job...

I will not, I will not, I will not hate my life, because I hate my job with all my body and soul.

I mean, seriously, I have never hated something this much before in my life. Ever. And I have had some crappy jobs, dealing with crappy people, and I thought I hated that. But really, in the grand scheme of things I didn't. Not with even a tenth of what I hate my current job right now. The job that, if I didn't have, I wouldn't have health insurance. I like health insurance. I appreciate health insurance. (You never realize how badly you need it, until you don't have it.) But I HATE my job. Hate it from the roots of my hair to the tips of my toes. I think about having to go to it when I'm working my other jobs and I literally shudder.

The really sucky part is that for the most part, I don't hate this job because of what I do. Its actually kind of fun and most of the people I work with are awesome. But the parts of this job that I don't like, they kill me. With all my soul. And I'm not exaggerating it. Believe me, if you went through what I go through on almost a weekly basis, dealing with what I deal with and what i'm told and what I have to hear, you would hate this job with all of your soul. Believe me, I know what a crappy job is. For goodness sake's I had a kid puke on me on the first day of the first job I ever had, and that job was 20 times better than the job i'm in now. If I could walk away from this job, I would in a heartbeat, a nanosecond, wouldn't even think twice about it, would not have any regrets and would probably go home and throw a party and burn all attire associated with this position. Big bonfire. Huge.

Now, I know. Blah blah blah, you complain about your job, you hate it, do something about it. I'm trying, damnit. I have applied for position after position. I have tweaked my resume about 13 different ways. I tailor my cover letter to each position I apply to so that it doesn't sound like a uniform letter I blanket every company with, but that I actually took the time to find out about the position and stuff. I either haven't gotten past initial interviews or no one has called me or returned my calls. Part of that i'm sure is just that I'm competing against tons of people who have no jobs. I'm also starting to wonder if i'm so...God, I hate saying this...desperate for any job that I consider better than what I have, that it shows and I'm trying to fit myself into a job, that everyone knows I have no business applying for, or something like that. It makes sense in my head, work with me. The point is, I can't do this job forever. Actually, I'm not really sure I'm going to make it through the holidays with this job, before I go bananas, throw a hissy fit and go running into the night screaming "Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr again!" But, I have living standards. I like insurance and I like having a decent paycheck I can rely on coming in every two weeks. So, basically, I need a 36-40 hours a week job, that provides me with health insurance and guarantees that I won't be treated like shit. I'm probably asking for a lot. But I really feel like I'm not. I feel like i'm asking for what every other red-blooded, beer drinking American with a college education is expecting. I have a college education. And I'm really smart. I am so much better than this.

So, I've enacted a plan. Its my 'I'm going to find myself another job if it kills me, which it just might' plan. First, I need to really honestly sit down and figure out my skills for real, then figure out where all those skills can be applied, so that I can show I'm super awesome for some kind of job. Then apply for a job, hopefully do awesome in the interview, get a better job and escape my hellhole job. Everything else after that is really small potatoes.

I'll keep you updated as things progress.

The Fog's lifting?

Have you ever walked into a situation and realized for the first time, you're seeing it with clear eyes? Its kind of like the fog lifting, you just suddenly see everything. Its cool and crazy and disorienting all at the same time.

No, I'm not tripping. Promise. Unless you count my addiction to coffee. But I generally don't get coffee highs anymore. Makes it much easier to function, when you don't have the urge to do 17 backflips. Its just that last year seemed like a roller coaster for me, much like for everyone else. I was not handling things well. I think I finally realized today that I'm starting to deal with life better. I feel like I'm seeing the full picture and I feel better.

I was going to say that its not like anything has really changed from a year ago, but that's not true. A year ago, I was slowly but surely seeing what was heading towards me like a freight train career wise. I was avoiding it like the plague, telling myself that if I don't acknowledge it, I don't have to deal with it. Oh, sure, I took the coffee job, but that was just because I figured it would be helpful to have it to get through Christmas. Or maybe in the end, I knew what was coming. I knew I sucked wind at doing news. No two ways about it. Its not my strong suit. But, I didn't know what else I was going to do. So, I stubbornly kept at what I was doing, to my own demise. Well, sorta. Its complicated. Much like my life in general.

I'm still in radio. Yay! Not at the same capacity I used to be. I still get to do cool stuff and work cool shows. And, i'm still on air, just not as much as I used to be. I think it makes it easier to do it now. Radio has gone back to being fun for me, rather than something I dread. Which is freaking sweet.

Starbucks sucks the soul out of me. Its just not where I want to be. But, for the first time in almost 4 years, I have medical insurance. Which means I can afford to get hurt and sick. And I can tackle some health stuff that I've need to tackle, like a general check up with my doctor. That'd be nice. And get some new glasses. And get my teeth cleaned. That'd be nice too.

The truth of the matter, is that I think I've been working on parts of myself without realizing it. And I like the person I am. And while I don't like where I'm necessarily at in life, i'm positive that I'm going to look back on all this in about 10 years, and laugh, remembering the time I spilled soy milk all over myself three times in one week (which is a record, by the way), and being on the go, working events for the station and fitting in traffic and having to rely on my phone and my calendar to make sure that I don't forget where I'm supposed to be when. And while I'd like to find one job, where I can get insurance and paid enough to afford an apartment and a puppy, i'm working towards those goals my own way. I've come to realize that its not going to all happen overnight, and sometimes as hard as you work, you still have a long way to go before things really start to pan out. I'm mostly trying to stay positive about everything. Because worrying for the last year has gotten me nowhere, except upset and crying over bullshit that I can't control or situations that I can't change.

The fog's lifting and i'm starting to see the sun. And that's enough for me.