Can't always get what you want...Thanks Mick and Keith...

Sometimes, just sometimes, I'm so exhausted that all I want to do is go hide in my room and not talk to anyone. Its rare but it happens.

I think this is gonna be one of those weeks for me. One of those weeks when I find people exhausting and I'm going to have to repeat to myself "You can't please all the people, all the time." Someone is just gonna have to be unhappy come the end of the week.

Here's the thing, I spend a lot of time worrying about people and what they think about me and the things I do and how I treat people. Which is why I go out of my way to treat people how I want to be treated. Cause I figure they'll return the same courtesy to me.

I don't know what world I live in...apparently the land of Cotton Candy clouds and chocolate mud. This week, I'm tired of bending over backwards and making sure everyone is hunky dory ok, etc. You know what, I get tired too. I get exhausted. I don't feel like being nice. I don't feel like talking. I don't feel like having fun. I want to sit in my room with my eyes closed, and just breathe. Hell, maybe even cry a little. Crying is very theraputic for me. It makes ME feel better.

I'm not trying to be self-centered or anything. And normally, I could care less. Normally, I just go with the flow and kind of float along, happy, content, good natured. I'm TIRED of being good natured. I don't feel like it. Everyone is allowed to take care of themselves, and I don't want to feel guilty for how I feel. You know what I want...I want a freaking massage, a cabana boy and a frickin Margarita. I want to do what I want. I'm 25 years old, why am I still worrying about what I can and can't do? Why?!

(I'll be better later. It just early in the morning and I don't feel like being at work today because I don't and I just want to lay in bed and face the wall. But, I'll be better later. Or at least I'll try to be.)

At a loss...

Me? At a loss? For what you ask? Normal answer for most people is words...however, since speaking is a part of my job on a daily basis, I'm rarely at a loss for words anymore, unless you shock the hell out of me...which has been known to happen from time to time.

No, no, today, I was at a loss for...music. Huh? What? You don't get it? I'll try to explain...

Most occasions, social and otherwise, I've always been able to find just the right "soundtrack" for lack of a better word, that goes with the occasion. In college, going to a certain party, no problem, let me just whip up my super awesome CD of dancable music. Need to rock out, I got it! That's just one example though.

What I'm really talking about here is being able to find that song, that album, that one lyric that manages to perfectly describe and sum up what is going on in my life, so that (1) I can listen to that song and maybe get through some of the emotions I'm feeling and so that (2) I can simply listen to the song or play the song and people understand my perspective at the moment. Music again, is a very big thing for me.

I'm at a loss in terms of music at the moment...I cannot seem to find that song, that lyric, that melody that I feel will perfectly sum up my life at the moment. I mean granted, nothing ever will, but I can usually come pretty close. I have nothing right now. Not a thing...I don't know how to put what I'm feeling into the form of music. I can't express it!

Quite frankly, its kinda killing me. I need that catharsis in my life. I mean there are songs, that are close, that are getting there, but I haven't found it yet. Its like a stupid itch I can't scratch! I want, no, NEED to find that song. I know it sounds silly, but its my thing, you know? Its like this, if I can find the song, that'll guide me towards the words, at least I hope it will. I mean I have some words to describe what I'm feeling, but they just don't compare to the actual feeling. Its the kind of thing where I can't even seem to talk about it with anyone, not because I don't WANT to, but because I don't know WHAT to say! Words just won't do it justice. I could pretend like they would, but they won't. My words, they just can't seem to explain what I want to say.

Gah! This is so fustrating! I mean I know I can put it in the simplest of terms and I have. I just don't feel like I'm doing the whole situation justice. Maybe because in truth, for once in my life, I'm in a situation that is bigger than words or music could ever express. Hmmm.

You are who or what you love, not what you eat.

Well, unless one of your what's includes food...then I suppose you could be what you eat in that regard. Maybe.

Anyways, I dunno, I've been thinking again. I probably shouldn't be allowed to think so often, it leads to bad things sometimes. Like the Great Boston Adventure '04...by the time that day was done, I ended up laughing hysterically to the point where I could not stop for 45 minutes. 45 minutes of laughter people...that's almost insanity right there. If I hadn't loved it so much.

I love to laugh. Ask any of my friends. I laugh at just about everything. If it could be found even remotely funny, I will probably laugh at it. I will probably laugh at you at some point, not to be mean, but because I found something funny. I mean, c'mon, I laugh at myself all the time, which gives me the total right to laugh at you when you trip, fall and not so gracefully slide across a floor or something.

I adore John Cusack. I think he is quite possibly my favorite actor in the whole entire wide world. He makes me laugh, I can relate to his movies, I love the fact that he is sarcastically funny in his movies and that he has the dry way of delivering lines which just makes it that much funnier. And he's so damn cute. I mean he's old, but he's cute. I could go on. But I won't.

Again, I love music. All kinds of music. Play it for me, if I haven't heard it, i'll give it a shot. If I have, I will be more than happy to listen again and again and again. Yeah, music = true love.

I love Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Like, I have a serious problem when it comes to them. I mean, you could probably convince me to sell my car to you for a penny and a pack of Peanut Butter Cups. Well, probably not, but I would take it into serious consideration. Reese's Cups make my day. In the best way possible. Have a bad day, have a peanut butter cup, you'll be happier, swear!

I'm a total girl when it comes to this, but I love romantic comedies...in the worst way. Love Actually, Bridget Jones' Diary, When Harry Met Sally, The Princess Bride, oh I could go on. I mean when I was single and had the rare weekend to myself, I had no issue curling up with one of those movies, some peanut butter cups and my stuffed Snoopy and being content to watch them. Laugh, cry, and maybe, just maybe, secretly wish that something like that could happen to me. The truth is that I'm a romantic at heart. I really do believe in honest to god true love. Ugh, even I want to throw up a little, but its true. I'm way too optimistic to not think otherwise.

I love my friends. Adore them really. These are the people who have been there for me through thick and thin. The bad times and good. And vice versa. I am that girl who will go running to a friend with a bag of peanut butter cups, a good movie and a box of tissues going "Ok, what are we doing people?" when I find out someone is in trouble or sad or whatever. My friends are a big part of my life.

I love my family, as nuts as they drive me. And they drive me pretty bananas somedays. But, for all of that, I still love them. I love that we are able to talk to each other about stuff and that we can argue and get our things out, and then get over it and just be together. I love that they support me no matter what and that I can make decisions for myself, even if they want to fight me on it. I love that my little brother is a smarty pants, even if he is a pain.

I love the Peanuts characters. Specifically Snoopy. Snoopy is the best dog ever. If I could've owned a real Snoopy, I would've. But really I'll settle for any kind of dog. I don't care. I just want a puppy to love. :)

And...::drum roll::...I love a boy. Who saw that one coming? Not me. I feel like I've gotten hit by semi about 14 or 15,000 times. But I do. I don't know how or when it happened. It just did. And It makes ya feel different. Because most of those other things I've had for a really long time. Most, if not all of my life, or a good part of my life at least. But, there's always been things missing. Or something missing. And this, this thing with him, its so different from everything else I've ever experienced. Its real, its not something I have to question, or wonder about, or debate or analyze. I know he feels the same exact way. I don't have to worry about turning my head just so or batting my eyes in a certain way, or if I do this or that he'll notice me. Its so nice. And, that is just wonderful.

I don't really know why I wrote this, except maybe I'm just in that kind of mood today. The feeling loved kind of mood. :) Maybe this will help spread a little bit of love into your world today. Maybe the Beatles are right and "All You Need is Love".

Music = The Love of My Life

I'm really not joking. It really is. I mean, I'm not saying there's not a person who I may or may not be realizing is inching towards that title too. Which is a rarity for me. Its taken me quite a while, but for the first time in my life I've found someone who makes me feel close to the way music makes me feel. We'll have to see as time goes on, but I take this as progress. Maybe even a sign that I'm growing up. Maybe.



But music, ah music. You really are the love of my life. The one thing that I have truly come to depend upon in good and bad times. No matter what, there is a moment, a lyric, a sound, something that helps to define the place I'm at in my life and to help put things into perspective for me. Its not a personal thing or a statement that people can't do that for me. But music is that force for me.



For as long as I can remember music has always been a major part of my life in one form or another. I grew up during the birth and rise of MTV. I was the 3 year old sitting there tapping my feet along to Michael Jackson's Billie Jean (My foot starts involuntarily tapping EVERY TIME I hear that bass line) and my own little scandalous moment of imitating Madonna's dance from her "Like a Virgin" video (My mom proceeded to turn the channel every time the video came on, I apparently had the moves down a little too well for her to handle).



I loved all music as a kid and ate up every single sound I could get my little hands on. My parents, being the age difference (20 years) and the background differences (Dad = White (Irish decent), Mom = Hispanic (Colombian)), had very different tastes. When my dad would drive me to school, we listened to oldies (like 50s doo wop and 60s) and country. Secret: I still love Reba McIntire to this day...I know, I know, its country, but I do. Johnny Cash is a freaking Icon, have you heard his music? Hank Williams...I could go on. Anyways, my mom would pick me up in the afternoon and I got my radio flipping habits from her. She never stayed on one channel. She listened to current pop, rock, then flip it to Led Zeppelin and The Beatles or R&B or Top Forty. I'd sit there just bopping away, learning lyrics and that was my kind of day. It was the days when I stole my mom's old small stereo that had a cassette player, record player and radio on it, and hooked it up in my room so I could play my Rainbow Brite Record (Yes, I had a Rainbow Brite Record) for 15 hours straight and listen to....wait for it...New Kids on the Block. You got the right stuff....baaaaaaaaaby...(Don't judge me, it was 1988, we are all allowed to make mistakes at the age of 6.) OH, and stealing my mom's Billy Joel tapes and Fleetwood Mac records...and Stevie Wonder too. I have problems.

Music has always helped me get through the good. I mean that's easy enough, you find an upbeat song, dance around your room or wherever and you just let loose. Its the tough times...the tough moments where nothing seems to make you feel better, jokes don't work, sometimes even hugs aren't enough. At least they aren't for me. Its when I put on my iPod or start looking through my CDs, just trying to find that one song, that one lyric that I need to hear to remind me that things are going to be ok, you know, when I've tried to remind myself that 1000 times, and I just can't seem to get it through my head. It was my knee jerk reaction in 7th grade when my dad lost his job, I just ran to my room, shut the door and jacked up Matchbox Twenty's Yourself or Someone Like You and just collapsed on the floor staring at the ceiling. It amazingly enough was Fleetwood Mac's Rumours that I turned to when my dad had a heart attack my junior year of HS. I know, but Rumours is an amazing record. I HIGHLY recommend listening to it. And I don't always listen to an album because I'm looking for those lyrics. Sometimes, I put the music on and I just get involved in the melodies and the sounds and whatever else makes up the music and it takes my mind off of whatever troubles I have. It gives me time to re-group, so that I can think and figure out how I want to deal with something. Other times I hit just the right song that brings out the right emotions in me, whether its joy or sadness and its therapeutic and I get everything out of my system and I'm ok. I feel better and I can deal.

Music is just this entity. I don't even think I can put it into words. Its just something I truly understand on all levels. Its the one thing I can talk about for hours on end, read about for days, experience for a lifetime and still want to know more! Truthfully, its probably an obsession, but its a better obsession than cocaine, so i'm gonna go with music.

This is why I couldn't answer the question of my favorite music. Music is such an experience for me that trying to narrow it down to my favorite albums or bands or whatever could very well take me forever. And I could be listing for forever. Like that whole question "What's your number 1 top desert island album?"...I can't answer that question. I've tried to narrow it. No success as of yet. Once I come up with the answer, I'll let you know.

Contradictory Beliefs...

Yeah, I don't even know how I got here, but suffice it to say, I did.

I think it started out with a conversation I had with the artistically crazy one Friday, about our religious beliefs. She and I talk a great deal about money, no problem. This is because we are in the same boat: broke as hell and hoping and believing that it will get better, that it has to get better. But when it comes to politics and religion, we don't talk nearly as much.

Now for me, Politics is really something I don't talk about much with anyone. Truth be told, this is mostly because I actually have a great deal of disdain for politics and politicians. I really do believe we are stuck picking the less of two evils. Choose your poison type deal. I do admittedly still try to be optimistic about the whole thing though. I'm trying to look at all the presidential candidates positions, on both sides and all that. I still probably won't feel good about my decision come November though. But I'm still gonna vote. Causing voting at the very least gives you the right to complain when they screw up. Unless its your candidates.

As for religion...well, I don't know why I don't talk about religion more. I think in part, it has to do with me being raised catholic. As catholics, we are taught that it is ok to worship, pray, show up atleast once a week, confess your sins every six months or so, get married in the church (as long as you're marrying a catholic that is), baptise your kid catholic, etc. But, that's what you do in the church. You don't or really shouldn't show off about your beliefs. Though maybe that has to do more with my parents. They taught me about the idea that its ok to have your beliefs, but its not necessary to go around screaming it at the top of your lungs and pushing it on other people, because they have their beliefs too. Hmm.

Disclaimer: Oh, and contrary to popular belief, the more modern catholics (atleast the ones at my church) don't go around damning everyone. So don't worry, I'm not going to tell you that your going to hell. I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell, but I only know about my karma.

Which leads to the contradictory belief. Being raised catholic, taught there's only one God, and the father and the son and the holy spirit and Mary, Mother of Jesus, being a pretty important character too (I mean she did manage to get knocked up without having sex...c'mon people, you've got to give her points for pulling that off), and the saints and disciples, but that's it! Nothing else. Can't believe in Allah, or Buddha or any other Gods and stuff. And I don't, I buy into that, sort of. Maybe, I don't really know, and I will never pretend to have the answers to that. However, I was also taught that you don't do the bad ju-ju...i.e. Horoscopes (which I love to read for a good laugh), magic, voodoo, the Ouija board, chi AND Karma.

People, I believe in Karma. I'm serious about it. Not like crazy serious, but I really do believe in it. I believe what you send out into the world, you get back. I think they kind of teach stuff like that within the church, but you kind of get looked down upon when you call it Karma. But I believe in it...whether its because of my formative High School years, where I kinda watched things from the outside looking in mentality and saw it happen over and over again or whether it was because of my EXTREMELY formative College years, where I experienced Karma first hand, both good and bad.

Now, I am not a judgemental person, I have been told and really do believe I'm possibly one of the most non-judgemental people you could ever meet. I'm not completely non-judgemental, I have my moments, but for the most part, I atleast understand where people are coming from and that they have their reasons for the things they do. I have no reason to judge, i've done my share of wrong things too. And, without those wrong things, those mistakes, you wouldn't be where you are now and we are all where we are at for a certain reason. Atleast, that's my belief.

But, I do think Karma is that sign of what you've done right or wrong. Everything in life, EVERY ACTION (and this is basic 8th grade physical science by the way, not just karma or religion or whatever) has an equal opposite reaction for what you do. That's just the way life rolls. So, you get the good, and you run with it for as long as you can, and then along comes the bad and you know what, you gotta roll with that too, because hell, that's what you dished out for yourself. Hell, sometimes you get a mix of good and bad at the same damn time! And, i'm not saying that EVERYTHING that happens is because of Karma, because I don't totally believe that either. I think its a mix of things, plus you're dealing with other people's karmas and what not, and you know what, I hate to say it, but sometimes, just sometimes, things happen, because they happen. No real rhyme or reason, and maybe that's karma coming into play somehow, but sometimes, its just the way things are.

And, no, this is not about convincing you to be catholic or to look into karma or anything like that. This is just me. Talking. Cause its MY blogger. And I will blog what I want. (Please note to those of you who actually know me that my nose went up in the air when I wrote that last sentence, please laugh hysterically now.) Point is, hey, you're reading this. Maybe I'll let you get to know a little bit about me.

Like that I'm a catholic...I'm also a karma believer...and a believer that things just happen. But don't worry, I won't be touching the Ouija board...even I know when to keep away from THAT bad ju-ju.

Oh, and I really don't like artificial banana flavored anything! At all. Not even popcicles. Ick. That's important to know about me too.

Welcome...

to me, to this corner of the world.

I honestly figured since my friends have started their blogs on here, I should maybe start one here too. And the neato thing, I get polka dots. Polka dots are awesome.

We're off to a great start. You barely even know me and I've already started with the random craziness. Oh well, you better get used to it. As someone once said "I am crazy and it is not getting better." Oh well, craziness gives me layers. Layers are good.

I'm not the deepest person ever. I highly doubt I will ever write the great novel or create the most amazing music ever. Hell, I'm not even sure I'll register more than the slight blip I register now. But, I do like to believe I have interesting thoughts about life.

For instance...Life is hard enough as it is without taking yourself very seriously. And believe me, for my 25 years, I still have a hard time not taking myself so seriously somedays. At the same token, life is what it is. You can't really change what's going to happen, how people will relate to you and vice versa and just all the things that come with living day to day.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about life lately. About where I'm at. What I want to do. Who I want to spend my time with. Things like that. I'm not even close to figuring it all out yet. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to figure it all out. Hell, I could probably contemplate all of this for the rest of my life and still not even be close to a conclusion of if I did anything right by the time I die. But really, who wants to sit around worrying about that? Besides me, I mean...

I dunno, like you look at your life and you look at the people around you and their lives and do you ever find yourself wondering "Maybe I should have done this?"...I spend time doing that. I know I shouldn't, its not good, and it just gets you down. But still, I have to sometimes wonder if I really did take the right path in the end...I mean obviously I can't change where I have ended up at this point, I made those decisions in the past and they are made. I did what I did and went where I went and this is where I am. And, that's cool. I mean, I've met great people who I call my best friends and I've had great adventures so far. But, sometimes I wonder if I'm striving far enough. Am I trying hard enough? Or am I just coasting through life because this is where I have convienetly ended up? I guess what I'm asking is "Is this it?". I don't know. I'd like there to be more. I guess that's why I'm always coming up with stuff to do and places to go and visit and stuff. Because I want to experience all life has to offer, even if its only for a little while. I don't mind making a small blip, I'm really ok with that I suppose. But I would like to know that my blip may have been small, but my life in general was not. You know what I mean? Probably not...

Its ok, I'm not really sure I know what I mean either.