Go Your Own Way

Fleetwood Mac song, which came out about 2,000 years ago, but its a good song, and in particular, the title of the song struck me over the weekend.

We are all born and start out on a path. For about 18 years of our life, our parents are guiding us along, helping us out, teaching us what they think is the right and wrong thing to do. We have the influence of friends and peers who are learning right along with us and other influences that affect and help us make that final decision of which way we are going to go in each situation. That's a lot to process for one person, especially at the age of say like 13, when I first noticed that a lot of people around me were pretty prone to make decisions and well, live their life. Me? Well, I made my own decisions to a certain extent. I've also not made certain decisions because I knew that there would be people who would "disapprove". This has been a definete crutch for me in certain situations to an extent, and I didn't even realize how much so until I was talking with a friend and realized that. Sometimes, I feel so stunted in certain departments and I know its different for everyone, but its hard to feel that way, mostly because you feel like you are supposed to be that way, even if its ok for you to not be that way, you know? I dunno, i'm kinda talking out my ass on that one.

Anyhoo, the point is that during the start of my "rebellous" formative teenage years, I wasn't very, well, rebellous. Quite frankly, I went to school, followed the rules, stuck to the lines and pretty much didn't go there, for lack of a better description. I mean, I had my moments, where i'd tiptoe over the line, but for the most part, I went to school, I did stuff after school, i came home, i hung out with a few people and that was it. I can honestly say I never went to a party, I never drank anything I wasn't supposed to that my parents didn't know about, never smoked anything I wasn't supposed to, but most importantly, i never really adventured. I was just trying to get from point A to point B without getting my head shot off. God, I was a stick in the mud.

Then, I got to college, the "breakout" years. My freshman year, I was still pretty much sticking to the lines, at least at the beginning. By the end of that year, i had at least gotten drunk once and done something dumb (practical jokes, falling for an inappropriate boy, going to my one and only field party, which actually wasn't worth all the hype), which was nice, at least I could say I was experiencing college life. Sophomore year, I almost joined a sorority, still had a thing for an inappropriate boy and I think I sloppily made out with at least one other inappropriate boy...wait no, that was junior year. Between junior year and my two (count'em two) senior years, I did some "growing", took a couple chances and was willing to stick more than my toes over the line. There were still certain things that never happened for me at that point and let's face realities, i was perpetually single, for well, ever.

I'm going to be an old woman in just a few short weeks (HOLY CRAP!). I've been home for just over two years. In those two years, my family life has been shaken up, stirred and thrown around for the good, bad and ugly; i've reconnected with old friends, made new friends, gotten in fights with friends new and old and done my best to be a good friend in general; i've gone from being perpetually broke, to being kinda broke, to feeling like I was starting to inch ahead, and back to where I am now, which is well, being kinda broke; I have successfully managed to work where I wanted to work, for the first time in my life, a true decision that I made, inspite of the concequences that I knew faced me at the time, I did it, I worked where I wanted, I made that choice and I have to say that i'm happy I did that, despite being broke for two years; i've fallen for more inappropriate boys, dated a couple of them for a moment or two, made out with a few boys, almost beaten up one or two of them and am now officially (go ahead, gag with me) at 6 months with THE boy; best of all, i'm slowly, but surely, learning about taking care of myself and being their for myself, because there are a lot of people in the world, who want a piece of me one way or another, and i've realized that without taking care of myself and doing ridiculous things like sitting in my room with a face mask on, while reading Rolling Stone and listening to cheesy 80s music, i'm never going to be able to be, well, me. And in order to be me, in order to go my own way, i've got to be able to know what I want. Much easier said than done. But, i'm learning more and more everyday that its possible; worst of all I've come to realize that without doing things for yourself, you will get cheated out of living life.

Let me really explain that last part. People have their own minds, their own life experiences, their own way of making decisions. Now, you could be how I was for a long time, making decisions for the good of everyone, bending over backwards and overextending myself to make sure that everyone was ok and taken care of and having fun etc. I was perfectly content, as long as everyone else was having fun. This saved me from a lot of things. Most specifically, it saved me from ever having to make a decision. I didn't have to decide, because I let everyone decide for me and went with it. Which was good for me, because as I've discovered, especially within the last few months, I don't totally know what I want. I mean there are certain things I know about myself, and certain things I know that I want. But, for the first time in a while, I'm starting to realize that I don't know what I want, and I have to figure out what I want. My brain finally is starting to get that its not selfish to do what you want and take care of yourself. I've always said that no one is going to take care of you, unless you take care of yourself. And, you're never going to live life to the fullest going "Well, I'll just go with the flow". Sometimes you have to go out there, let your opinion be known right or wrong, fall on your face, say what you mean and mean what you say and have some damn fun, damn the costs or what others think, because as a friend told me last week, "If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong". Now, I won't say that I don't still find myself reverting back to my first mindset of sometimes doing things, even when I don't want to do them, but, i'm starting to get better. I'm reminding myself that its ok to take care of myself, make time to clean my room, to exercise, to eat, to sleep, to watch a movie I want to watch, the laugh hysterically at the silliness that is "Gene Simmons: Family Jewels", to figure out how the hell my car works, to eat shrimp on a regular basis and to still have more than 3 pairs of shoes. I'm also slowly but surely accepting that i'm going to make mistakes, I'm not going to be perfect, i'm not going to spend my money perfect, and that sometimes making the right decision for me, means that there may just be others who are not going to approve. The day when I can truly and honestly believe that it doesn't matter and that I have to be happy that I made the decision that's best for me, that'll be a good day for me.