(I'm writing this about 5 minutes before I start my day long project of reorganization/minimization in my room. This has just been sitting in my mind forever.)
I feel like sometime recently (or maybe longer ago), I lost control of my life.
It all starts with my bedroom/home. I always feel like its organized chaos at best and just pure chaos at worst. Its hard, you have two people living in a 10x12 room, which neither are really happy about at the end of the day. Yes, it would be easier to move out. Financially, we can either afford to move to the ghetto ( and when I say the ghetto, I mean the GHETTO. I've seen it. I'm too white for it. And too girly. And too whiny.), or we would move back into my parent's home in two months (specifically right around when I pop out our little jellybean and i'm out of work). Its not ideal, but its better than any other option we've come up with up until this point. But lately, the organized chaos mostly just makes me want to cry.
I can't seem to find anything, I lose everything all the time and can't find it for days on end. (Seriously, I lost my car keys for a month. And couldn't figure out where they were.) Part of this is short term memory loss, part of this is flat out losing my mind from stress, but most of it is just not devoting enough time to straightening out my life some more.
Some things have changed in my life obviously, and at this point, its not something that's going to change. The little jellybean has very quickly grown into an ear of corn that weighs 1.3 pounds and I only have 109 days left until he shows up (or well, there abouts). I still have to finish registering for the baby showers, settle on paint colors, help reorganize part of the house, paint his room, register for child education classes, put together the crib/changing table/dresser, figure out the whole 3 baby showers thing (because quite frankly, i'm at a loss as to how I ended up with that many to attend, oh yeah, i've lost control of my life!!!!), and thousands of other things. Yet again, I have someone coming into my life who is going to come first. Not that this is a bad thing, its just I need to do some stuff for me before he arrives. (Or as the cute 6 year old proclaimed the other day "flies in").
This whole reorganization thing is not the only thing making it feeling like i've lost control. There are decisions being made in my life about stuff that I've talked about before, but no one really talks to me about it. I've decided to let some of it go, and in some cases make other plans, that will fit more into what I would like to do. This seems to piss people off, but I have gotten really good at unintentionally pissing people off for the last 5 or 6 years, so while there is that whole guilty part in my head, (which I really hate), there's 5 and a half month pregnant me, who just doesn't give two farts anymore. I just hate it...I feel like if I organize one part of my life, maybe I'll be able to organize the rest of it. And I'll feel more prepared when my Jellybean gets here.
So no more messing around, at least for today. I'm not going out, i'm not napping (especially since I have energy right now...at 7am), nothing until I feel like I can breathe in my room. I think that's my problem. So much is going on...working two jobs, semi-job hunting, figuring out this whole pregnancy/mom thing, looking over finances and trying not to cry along with the boy, doctor's appointments, weddings, parties, hanging out with family members, trying to hang out with friends. And yet, again, i'm always trying to be everything to everyone, which never seems to work. And, as my Aunt pointed out to me the other day, "this is all about you and the baby." I have a hard time believing it sometimes, and I very rarely let myself be the center of attention, but I think for once in my life, at least for the next 3 1/2 - 4 months, i'm going to try.
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