Stubborn Biatch

That is thy name.

Sorry, its the harsh reality right now. As of right now, I'm 13 weeks pregnant. My feet are starting to swell, my face is breaking out, i'm getting chubbier and nausea still makes it impossible to eat somedays. Oh, and i'm an emotional nutcase.

The problem with being an emotional nutcase is that I don't react to things in a rational manner. (Not that I ever really did.) But I'm much more honest. I'm holding back a lot less. I'm coming off as a henious, stubborn bitch and I don't care.

Its not a personal thing. I've spent two-third's of my life being nice to people and finding a kind way to say things about people because I am just not fond of confrontation. Once confrontation surfaces, I normally avoid it like the black plague and go into hiding in my shell and just keep my thoughts to myself and stew. I seem to have lost this ability to be able to do this sort of thing all the time. But I can't say that I'm truly upset about this.

I love my boyfriend's family. I do. They are kind people, with redneck tendencies, but a lot of people are. That I can live with. What I can't live with is being driven nuts!

First off, this is my pregnancy. Which means I'm the one that's carrying this kid. Which means I can handle this situation how I want. The boy and I get to raise this kid the way we want, which means we get to make decisions about how we handle discipline, schooling and other such nonsense.

Secondly, if someone tries to push freaking boy baby clothes on me before we freaking know what I'm having, i'm going to literally strangle the person who does that to me. We don't know what I'm having. I think I'm having a girl, but on the off chance I'm not, I want to know for sure. Until I know for sure, I'm not buying a single stitch of clothing. (Well, i did buy a really cute Bunny ears hat for easter. Sue me, I'm a new mom.) Stop pushing stuff on me. I don't need it. I have enough on me as it is.

Third, there are three major events in a woman's life, only two of which she's has some kind of control over, because at your funeral, you're dead, and quite frankly as long as no one just throws me in the backyard, I really won't care anymore. But, you can control your wedding and your pregnancy/baby shower. Please let me have a say in what I want to do. Its mine. I don't want to have to live vicariously through someone else because I didn't get to do things the way I wanted to. Save us all the hassle and save me the tears and let me do what I want, because at this point, i'm going to be pushed to pay for it myself, have it in the backyard and invite 15 people tops. I'm not in kindergarten, and i'm less and less fond of the idea of inviting people who don't like me and who i don't consider friends or family to this thing. And on top of that, why is this such a big deal, its a party for me to be a freeloader. I'll take care of it when I'm good and ready. I would like to accomplish the red tape of Medicaid first before I start worrying about whether I want chocolate or yellow cake at the party. And hey, maybe I want confetti cake. Confetti frosting is the shit, ok?

And finally, quite frankly, you don't know what I'm putting in my mouth. You don't ask me. You just assume. Yes, i know I'm fat. I've been looking at this body for a really long time, I know the flaws and the good parts. But, just because i'm fat and now having a baby does not mean that I am treating my stomach like a trash shoot. I have a salad everyday. I've severly increased my intake of fiber, in a concentrated effort to not have to deal with constitpation and hemeroids. I am literally force feeding myself milk so that I get my daily quota of calcium and don't develop Osteoperosis. (Literally. I chug 3 glasses of milk a day. I hate milk. But i do it.) I already worry about gestational diabetes (because my mom got it both times when she was pregnant), high blood pressure, and the effects of stress on a baby. I take prenatal vitamins everyday, do yoga five days a week and have cut caffeine out of my life almost completely. I am so worried about how much weight I'm putting on and am trying my damndest to not put on too much weight but make sure I put on enough so that the baby will be healthy. And quite frankly, instead of being worried about what I put in my mouth, why don't you worry about what you are putting in your mouth.

Side note: The people who this is directed at don't read this blog, at least not as far as I know. I've actually said most of this to the people who this is directed at. I just need to try to get it out of my system. Its driving me nuts.

The point of all of this is please, please continue to try to tell me what to do. Seriously. All you are doing is turning me into a hard-headed, stubborn bitch, who is not going to listen to you. Seriously.