The Darkness of the Abyss...

Abyss - A deep immeasurable space, gulf or cavity; vast chasm

I think the whole point of this blog has always been for me to figure out my brain. It has always felt like an abyss to me. This thing that is deep and seems to go on forever, that has 30 million things going on inside it. When I make the time for it, I write in this blog to get my feelings out. Because I want to believe that the things I'm going through in my life, someone has either gone through, is going through, or at least is willing to attempt to understand what it's like to go through what I'm going through. I know this is not a blog that will make me any money, it won't be anything that will suddenly become popular and be talked about on a major morning show or something like that. At the end of the day, this blog is for, well, me. 

There's a lot going on in my life lately. A lot more than I was prepared to deal with. I figured I had a lot to deal with being a mom, a fiance, working, trying to find time to clean my house, hang out with my family and friends, put time into photography, trying to plan a wedding and find time to take care of myself. Shouldn't that be enough for any one person? I thought so. 

My dad has lung cancer. Saying it makes it real. It makes it hurt my heart. It is completely devastating news, and has not been handled well by any member of my family. Which is to be expected. It's not as bad as it could be. They caught it in the early stages and they are saying that with any amount of luck and treatment, they could give my dad an additional 15-20 years to live. That's good. That means he might get to see another grandkid, he may get to watch Eli graduate from high school. It means I get to keep my daddy. He's one of my important persons. But, this is still going to be hard, the treatment is going to be rough, there's no guarantee that his body will even be able to deal with it, so we are obviously still in the early stages of this and will have to figure out what's going to be done and what he'll decide to do. It's his life and every decision he makes now, he has to decide if it's going to be worth it. I mean, surgery guarantees that they'll get the cancer, but could leave him with 15% usage of his lungs, which means he'll have to be on oxygen for the rest of his life, which he does not want. Again, it's early, and he has more options than most for treatment, so it's a lot of browsing and deciding. He's better off than his sister...

His sister, my Aunt Pat, has cancer also. Her's has spread. Even with radiation, they are only giving her a year to live. Her only option is radiation and chemo and to go home and live out the rest of her life as best as she can. My dad's family is an optimistic one, so even in the face of those odds, my aunt is still ok with it all. She has 6 daughters, 14 grandkids and 6 great grandkids. She's traveled, enjoyed a wonderful life with her husband (who died about 15 years ago), spends time with her sisters, brother and daughters when she can, and makes the dirtiest jokes on the face of the earth. She is a literal laugh riot. I feel terrible that I have not been back to Pittsburgh since I've had Eli, so that she can meet him, so as long as all goes well with Dad, I'm hoping to make the trip sometime in the next few months or so. Hopefully. 

Anyways, all this turmoil is just making for insanity. My mom seems to be literally losing her mind, and her frustration with the cancer is turning into frustration towards me, because it's easier to take it out on me than on anyone else. I deal with it as best as I can, and then proceed to lose my own mind and freak out on her as to why she has to pick this time to yell at me. It's a nightmare, literally, my worse nightmare come true. I don't have the heart to take all this. I can't deal fighting with people as it is, so to have my mom get riled up just makes me an emotional wreck. Ray deals with all the fallout from this, loses his temper and threatens to tell everyone to go to hell. Anybody who makes me cry, immediately ends up on Ray's bad side. He doesn't seem to understand that I cry at the drop of a hat anyhow. It's fine. We argue, then we make up and everything is fine again, until my mom loses her mind again. Ray will probably be mad at her for a few weeks, and then he'll get over it too. 

Ray's cousin decided to pick this time to lose his job and need a place to stay. He has a little one year old, and I took pity on him, and agreed to allow him, his baby mama and their kid to live in our house for a couple weeks. (Until the first of August.) After his inability to be reliable and to understand that if he lives in my house and just plays video games, he shall be babysitting my kid, since my parents can't and we need help, he's getting out this week.  He was supposed to show up yesterday to babysit, I finally text messaged him and asked if he was coming, he said no, I threw my hands up in the air, called my friend Ashton, got lucky and she wasn't working, so she agreed to watch Eli. Called Ray and told him what was up, he lost his mind and said he was telling him to get out. Fine. Honestly, with everything else going on with my family, I can't deal with people who I can't rely on, when they agree to be reliable. Apparently, we aren't any "fun". I didn't know it was in my job description to be "fun". I thought I was supposed to be a human being with emotions and problems, and good and bad. I also have pimples and am about 100,000 pounds overweight. Yes, this comes from a selfish place, but I have ENOUGH crap to deal with, without dealing with his crap. He can find somewhere else to live. 

Anyways, the WHOOOOLE point of all of this, is that I have spend YEARS exploring the deep dark abyss of my brain, and I still am completely lost. How is one person supposed to deal with all of this. Why, after all the years of crap I've been through, am I still completely lost on how to handle all this. You would figure, since I've dealt with some variation of these problems with my family's health, my mom's mental problems and my amazing ability to get myself in trouble without even trying, that I would know how to handle this. But, I don't. I guess I need to keep exploring the abyss. The answer has to be in there somewhere. (I may also need Xanax. That would be killer.)

Andrew Largeman - Good Luck exploring the infinite abyss.

Albert - Thank you! And, hey, you too! - Garden State

Hmmm...oh, hey there...

Yes, I slack on blog posts. Regularly. I have a life outside of my computer, and a serious lack of motivation for wanting to devel into my thoughts more than necessary, however, because of what is going on lately, I feel like I should. Writing down where I am now, and looking back on it, seems to help motivate me to improve my life and know what needs improving and what is ok.

I find that most times, when it seems like my life is going ok, that's usually when things are about to go bananas. I also always go back to my self-improvement project I was working on a few years ago, while I was preggers, because that seems to help remind me of what I want to do. I think. My knowledge of what I want to do with myself seems to change from year to year, so, I try to roll with it. Whatever.

The point, is that when I look back at where I was four years ago, compared to now, things are much better. But, they could still be better than what they are now. I have my own place, but am completely broke on a regular basis. Add to that, the fact that my legit job that I've held for the last year just announced job cuts and hour cuts, does not bode well for the gal that just got a legit place. So, I'm back to job hunting, but at least I have a current job with decent hours, pay and benefits, which makes life much easier. However, my standard of living is higher now, so I expect to find a job with at least the same pay and close to the same benefits. I am having a debate about whether I can actually afford the benefits or not, but I can change my mind on them until October of this year, hopefully I will have another job by then and not have to worry about it.

I've noticed something about myself. It's always outside circumstances that push me towards doing one thing or another. Don't get me wrong, there are certain things in life that I'm always striving towards, like being a better photographer, or a better cook. But, once I got this job that I have now, I got comfy. Then, things got shaken up, and now I gotta figure out a new plan. Again. I guess life is like this for everyone.

Anyways, I've got other things going on, stuff I'm not going to talk about right now, because I don't want to be all melodramtic and crap. However, this stuff is the kind of stuff that shakes me to the core. And, I was filling my friend Ashton in on it, and discussing how all this stuff happening makes me realize how much I just want to go ahead and get married. Screw the photobooth, fancy food, sweet dj, designer dress, fancy decorations, etc. Ray and I just need to figure out how to get married. Ashton did her wedding for $1500 total. I'm completely overwhelmed and don't know where to start. Ashton stepped in said she would help me! Yay! We're going to get together over the next few months with all the rest of the people who would help, like moms, dads, sibs, friends etc and figure out how everybody could help, so that Ray and I can get married by April of next year. My goal when I was house hunting was to have a yard large enough to have a backyard wedding in, however, that did not work out, at all. So, Ashton and her hubby Dave offered up there house to use for a wedding. It will obviously be small, but, with any luck, and epic good time. I go for epic good times. So, I'll try to keep on top of everything, not slack, and hopefully get this wedding planned by next year.

I got this. I can do this. 

I'm old and itchy...

The itchy part I'll get to in a minute.

I'm going to harp on the old part of my life. You're going to have to get over it. I'm turning 30. I don't complain about too much, but you will have to listen to this. I'm getting old and I know it. Eating a cookie makes me put on 10 lbs. I want to be in bed before 10pm. I creak. If I don't move for long periods of time, my body actually hurts from it. My eyes are getting weaker. My hearing is not too great. Sometimes, when I laugh, I pee. Not a lot, just a little, but enough to remind me I'm getting ooooooooold. Oh, and forget my mind. I have to write down everything that I want to make sure I accomplish, otherwise, I will forget and not do it. (Literally, one of the things I have to do this week is figure out what day mine and Erica's tickets are for The Hunger Games. I have to write this down, otherwise, we will either miss it or show up to early.) I care about my rug in my house staying clean. Teenagers piss me off. I'm ooooooold!!!

It's fine. Really, it's a part of life and in spite of the fact that I'm getting old, I'm really happy with this stage of my life. I'm officially on my own with Ray and Eli. I have my own house that I may operate any way I please. (It's usually chaotic and wild and loud, but if it wasn't any of those things, it wouldn't be me.) I still wish some things were different, maybe that me and Ray weren't parents yet, because it feels awkward sometimes, when it seems like nobody else has kids. But, I am older than most of my friends, so I don't feel but so bad. Plus, Eli wouldn't be here, and that kid, he's my heart. Even when he's driving me crazy with his wild temper tantrums and ridiculous amount of energy and I'm almost dropping him off my shoulders because I'm desperate just to get him to calm down for 5 minutes so that I can have an adult conversation. (Plus, he's not old enough for me to let walk off while I watch him out of the corner of my eye, even though some people act that way. With my luck, he will figure out how to operate the lawn mower he's climbed onto, or he will grab the half open beer, or end up with the screwdriver up his nose. I KNOW my kid.)

Anyways, in spite of what I am talking about, there are things that I'm not talking about. I've developed the itchies. That's the only way to describe it. I can pinpoint the moment it started because I was terrified it was something else entirely. I had a delicious lunch of fried clams and shrimp. I love shrimp. Oh mylanta, love love love. I'm always terrified that I will develop an allergic reaction to it and never be able to eat it again, so I'm a bit paranoid about it. So, I had delicious lunch and then proceeded to move on with my day. I noticed I was a bit itchy, but just chalked it up to randomness and moved on with my day. 24 hrs later, I am laying in bed, dying, because I'm itching everywhere, my feet, my head, my face, my lady parts. I'm going insane, finally I can't take it anymore and march out to my mom who takes me to the hospital to get me checked out. 2 hours later, the doctor looks at me like i'm wacked out, gives me pregnezone and sends me home. I'm still itchy, but less miserable and move on with my life. But, i'm still itchy. It has disipated a ton since I moved out of my parents place and sort of have our finances figured out. But, I still get itchy. Mostly at work. My general doctor says it's not seafood, so it's a mind thing. Great. I'm really crazy. I don't know what exactly brings it on, because on occasion, it does happen when I'm not at work. But, mostly now at work. So, hopefully the college will call me soon, tell me I'm perfect and hire me. Then, hopefully the itchies will go away. The itchies are stupid.

Yep. I'm old.

Boo for being right...

I'm talking to those people who insist that "when you least expect it, everything will fall into place." Fine. You're right. That doesn't mean I like you, that just means that I'm willing to admit that you're right once in a while.

So, finally, after 6 yrs, 13 million threats, a baby, the engagement, 4 job changes for me, 3 job changes for Ray, getting the car fixed and other assorted hiccups, disasters and general mayhem, we officially have a house. We're moving!! Finally!! And, I'm doing it before I officially turn 30, so that means that I won't be the freak girl who still lives with her parents. Not that I wasn't before, it just won't be so bad now.

The house is cute! It's small. A foreclosure that the real estate guy bought and renovated and decided to rent out. Fine, whatever. It's ours! We have a washer and dryer, so no laundromat adventures w/ Eli, which sounded like a horendous idea. We have a dishwasher. I hate dishes more than cleaning the toilet. That's bad. The dishwasher is my friend. We took my very large tax return and bought us a whole bunch of new house crap. And, I'm really serious this time. We signed the lease last Sunday and we started moving in today. Like, our couch(es), our kitchen stuff and other assorted crap is over there. All we have left to move is basic crap, like the bed and Eli's room and other assorted nonsense and then there's organizing everything which I'm going to start working on Wednesday.

So, like there's all the house stuff, and at the same time, we find out Ray just got a major promotion and pay raise at work. And, then, I got a job interview with college!!!! Aaaaah!!! Now, it's just a phone interview, so obviously, the process is still long and crazy and I may not even get an in person interview, but I got a call back, so that is really cool. I'm actually on a good streak right now...maybe I should play the lottery.

I promise I'll put pictures up as soon as I have them of the new place! So exciting! I'm a grown up! :)

I am, in fact, Old....

Hey there, hi there, ho there! (Hehe.) Yes, I know. I disappeared off the face of the earth, without a word, for a year or so. Don't be hurt, it's not that I don't love the two of you who do read this blog. I've just been legitimately busy. Seriously. You want an update? Ok!

-First...I continues down the path of trying to be a good mom to the wildly enthusiastic, high energy monkey, known as Eli

Eli devouring his first chocolate cake on his first birthday...yes, he is mine.

-I got a legit job!! Holy crap!!! I left McDonald's (after I thought that was never going to happen), and am now working for...well, I can't tell you specifically. But, I will tell you it is for a large retail company that sells their wares on TV. And, there's only three letters in their name. Ok, that's all I can tell. Well, that and I now have legit health insurance. And, vacation time. It's nice. I'm not going to say ideal, because the people I deal with are NUTS! Not your garden variety either. But, I will continue to work towards furthering my career aspirations.

-I photographed my first official wedding!

My favorite photograph from the Anderson-Wall Wedding!

It was really fun! And, terrifying. But, definitely fun. I won't be doing any weddings for a while though, because I am just way to busy with my job and just don't have the time I need to devote to doing weddings. But, I'm still working on projects for my friends. And of course, taking 3 million pics of Eli, because I have to document every moment of Eli.

Case in point, because this kid, is cute!

That's the highlights. I mean, there's the usual nonsense, going to the beach, hanging out with friends, going to concerts, just having fun. Oh, and the whole planning a wedding thing. Ray and I finally decided on a date...April 20, 2013. So, we have a little bit over a year to start getting stuff together. I'm aiming for low key...like really low key. Like, having coolers full of beer, getting married in the backyard, hanging out with friends low key. Reality check: I choose a life over a perfect wedding. Don't get me wrong, I WANT a fancy wedding with all the fixings, including a photo booth. But, I have a life to live and what I really want, more than anything...is a new place.

We're almost there, finally. I graduated from college in 2006. That means it's taken me 6 years just to finally move out of my parents house. But, we are all set. Well, almost. There's actually getting the money and then putting down the security deposit/1st month's rent, etc. So, we're looking at the end of February/beginning of March. That's cool. That means I will be out of my parent's home before I'm 30. No, seriously.

This leads back to my whole point, that, I'm getting old. Now, please understand that for me, age has always been just a number. I don't have many wrinkles. My grey hairs are disguiseable. And, I still have most of my mind. However, my body has deeply betrayed me, to the point where I know I have to start working out, because I can't take it anymore. Plus, I want to be smaller for the wedding. But, mostly, I want to be in shape. My mom was a nano-second away from throwing away my brother's bike. I stopped her and said I would take it. I almost died, because I'm special and I tried to peddle around the neighborhood on a bike that was set on the highest gear possible, which made me work three times as hard and wore me out three times as fast because I'm sedentary at my new job. (No bueno.) But, once I dropped the gears down to normal person speed, I did good and now make it around the neighborhood 5 or 6 times before I go inside to drink water. Plus, I did something crazy and signed up for dun dun dun the Tour for the Cure. Its a road bike race that raises money for the American Diabetes Association. I'm a red rider, because I found out I'm pre-diabetic, so I get a really nifty red shirt that they get in the Tour De France...only red instead of multi-colored. I'm really excited, though I know that I may die. I'm only going to bike 10 miles this year, because trying to bike 100 miles in my first year is ridiculous and I would've had to start training a year ago to actually do that and I only have 3 months to train, so its better that way.

There's more, tons more. But, I'll continue to fill you in later.

I'm a slacker...

(Originally started in March. Prime example of slackerdom...)

I admit it. Don't hold it against me, I love all 3 of you who read my blog...seriously! But honestly, I've been well, busy. And grumpy, which really doesn't bode well for strong blog entries about adventures in motherhood or adventures in life. It mostly just bodes for whiny complaints about the weather and how unfair life is. I'd rather write about the mostly good, with a lil bit of bad in it.

I still haven't found a legit job yet. Its frustrating. I've been out of work since January. I'm not a fan of being out of work. Without the job, I am much less likely to accomplish things anywhere else apparently. So, i've gotten a bit messy. And put some weight back on.

(real time update 5/19/11)

I still haven't found a legit job yet. I've gone back to my crappy ass, lame ass former job b.c. (before child). Yes, I've gone back because of my finances. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm shallow about money. I like money. I like having money. I like being able to pay my bills. And buy my kid clothes. And buy some a.c. (after child) clothes for myself, because I need them. Oh, and food. Food is good.

I don't know what frustrates me more some days...the fact that the economy has sucked just about as long as I've been writing this blog, or the fact that the super awesome skills I have, can't seem to translate to a job that is worth, well, me. Yes, I think I am above fast food. I went to college. I have no business in fast food. If you want the honest truth, if it wasn't for the fact that the store manager is my mother in law, I probably wouldn't have the job at all and would either be working at the radio station making pennies or would be completely jobless. None of this, makes me feel any better about my situation.

I have put weight back on. According to a friend's scale, less than I thought, but more than what I'm happy with. This ticked me off so bad, that I'm forcing myself to focus on what I did so differently a year and a half ago, that not only allowed me to drop 20 pounds before I got pregnant with Eli, but also allowed me to not put on an extreme amount of weight while I was pregnant. I know a lot of it had to do with the fact that I developed Gestational Diabetes, which made me much more observant about what I was putting in my body, because the best way to control diabetes in general, is diet and exercise. So, I was really good about watching what I ate. But, now, there's no baby inside of me to make me feel better if I eat fruit and veggies, rather than 15 cupcakes. (Not that I've ever ate that much in one sitting...i'm just saying!) My motivation, most of the time, is helping others, which is fine, until I forget to help myself. Plus, if I expect Eli to continue to eat well, like he is now, I need to do the same.

I'm a slacker in other departments too. I have about 3 weeks worth of pictures on my Nikon that I need to upload, edit and send out to people/print. I'm slacking financially. I'm a slacker. I need someone, who is an adult, to kick my ass into shape. Or, you know, just take responsibility for myself and kick my own ass into shape. Although...

I'm not a complete slacker. Eli is well taken care of. (Check mark, Ray and I.) I just conned/convinced my mommy friend Ashton to do a 2 mile walk with me, which is going to raise money for CHKD (Children's Hospital of the King's Daughters), which will benefit our kids and our waistlines! So, that will be good training for the Susan G. Komen Foundation walk I want to do in October. And, today I drank a ton of water. (It was hot. Dehydration is bad.) Ooh, and ate a mango. (So worth the work!) And, came up with a good idea for what to bring to a Memorial Day cookout. (Grilled Shrimp Salad, yuuuuuum!) Ok, i'm going to pat myself on the back, kinda.

I'm not a total slacker. I just need to work on prioritizing. At least I know what my problem is! (Now, to solve it. Drat!)

Oh, fine...

So, maybe I have more than just the goal of being happy for 2011...sue me, I'm very adamant about improving my life, in small, yet accomplishable ways. Judge away. Its fine. I'll never judge YOU! (Seriously, I won't.)

Anyways, I'm intent on doing a few things this year.

1. Finding a legit career/job...Seriously.

I'm not fooling around with this crap anymore. I'm tired of working crappy retail/food service jobs because "I need the money". I can't stay at the radio station anymore, because they have made it ABUNDANTLY clear that where I'm at is where they are leaving me, even if I stand on my head. So, I just have to figure out what I would be satisfied with doing for the next 2-5 years, while I figure out my next educational move and Eli is still tiny. For the time being, I'm working on getting some kind of administrative/office job. Yes, I know everyone in the world finds them boring. I don't. I actually find that kind of job RELATIVELY unstressful, so it only makes sense to work in the field, make decent money and be able to provide for my child.

2. Treat my body like the temple its meant to be...

I'm bound and determined to walk the Susan G. Komen Foundation walk in October. And, yes the only times I run are when I'm running away from something coming after me, so no, you are not ever going to see me run a marathon, well, ever. I'll bike for a cure. I'll walk for a cure. I might even consider crawling for a cure. Plus, I'm continuing the groundbreaking changes I make in 2010 of improving my eating habits (as I sit here nibbling on an apple and a clementine.) I like the fact that I lost weight last year, and would like to be able to continue to lose weight and get fit and be able to play with my kid as he grows. It would be cool to not be exhausted. I'm only 28 after all...

3. Re-ignite my relationship...with photography...

I for the life of me cannot explain to myself why I walked away from my passion of photography a few years ago. Except that outside factors frustrated me so bad, that I stupidly put down my camera, like a fool. I love photography. Have for a very long time. Of course, this is also the year, that I'm purchasing my super cool, nifty neato camera that I've had my eye on for the last 2 1/2 months. After that, I may go ahead and start working on my side job of being a freelance photographer. But, the year will mostly be spent getting cuddly with the camera and taking random jobs from friends and getting a portfolio together. You know, and taking 3 billion pictures of Eli, naturally.

4. Learning how to be a super awesome mom...

Being a mom is a 24 hour a day job. Anyone who has told you otherwise, has not gotten up with a 3 month old who DOESN'T understand the concept that you are supposed to sleep when its dark. He's so cute though, so I don't hold it against him. But, seriously, I am looking forward to reading my books, learning about being a mom and trying to find the instruction manual for Eli...I know he's just hiding it from me. He thinks he's so funny.

5. Plan a wedding...

Ohmygah, I'm gonna die before its all over with, but yes, I'm attempting to plan my wedding. Planning the wedding is more stressful than the event or even the marriage in my opinion. I'm looking forward to the day itself, but I will be glad when we nail down a lot of these "silly" details and have the money for them too. It'll be good. I already have a lot of ideas and I'm getting my wedding planning book and a magazine or two. After I have my job nailed down, or at the very least by next month, I'm making an appointment to go try on dresses and see if what I see on the Internet is actually what I want to wear or if I'm just gonna go for a white or beige sheet and wrap myself 15000 times in ribbon with white flip flops. (Though I haven't completely thrown out the idea of wearing rhinestone encrusted flip flops yet...which my mother will roll her eyes out once she finds out about...) No tiaras. Lots of lilies (real and fake). Eli and his cousin Julie as ring bearer and flower girl. Oh, and designing my own centerpieces and invitations. ::claps excitedly::

Oh, 2011, I'm so happy you are here...here's to hoping everyone else's will be just as much fun. :)