Oh, fine...

So, maybe I have more than just the goal of being happy for 2011...sue me, I'm very adamant about improving my life, in small, yet accomplishable ways. Judge away. Its fine. I'll never judge YOU! (Seriously, I won't.)

Anyways, I'm intent on doing a few things this year.

1. Finding a legit career/job...Seriously.

I'm not fooling around with this crap anymore. I'm tired of working crappy retail/food service jobs because "I need the money". I can't stay at the radio station anymore, because they have made it ABUNDANTLY clear that where I'm at is where they are leaving me, even if I stand on my head. So, I just have to figure out what I would be satisfied with doing for the next 2-5 years, while I figure out my next educational move and Eli is still tiny. For the time being, I'm working on getting some kind of administrative/office job. Yes, I know everyone in the world finds them boring. I don't. I actually find that kind of job RELATIVELY unstressful, so it only makes sense to work in the field, make decent money and be able to provide for my child.

2. Treat my body like the temple its meant to be...

I'm bound and determined to walk the Susan G. Komen Foundation walk in October. And, yes the only times I run are when I'm running away from something coming after me, so no, you are not ever going to see me run a marathon, well, ever. I'll bike for a cure. I'll walk for a cure. I might even consider crawling for a cure. Plus, I'm continuing the groundbreaking changes I make in 2010 of improving my eating habits (as I sit here nibbling on an apple and a clementine.) I like the fact that I lost weight last year, and would like to be able to continue to lose weight and get fit and be able to play with my kid as he grows. It would be cool to not be exhausted. I'm only 28 after all...

3. Re-ignite my relationship...with photography...

I for the life of me cannot explain to myself why I walked away from my passion of photography a few years ago. Except that outside factors frustrated me so bad, that I stupidly put down my camera, like a fool. I love photography. Have for a very long time. Of course, this is also the year, that I'm purchasing my super cool, nifty neato camera that I've had my eye on for the last 2 1/2 months. After that, I may go ahead and start working on my side job of being a freelance photographer. But, the year will mostly be spent getting cuddly with the camera and taking random jobs from friends and getting a portfolio together. You know, and taking 3 billion pictures of Eli, naturally.

4. Learning how to be a super awesome mom...

Being a mom is a 24 hour a day job. Anyone who has told you otherwise, has not gotten up with a 3 month old who DOESN'T understand the concept that you are supposed to sleep when its dark. He's so cute though, so I don't hold it against him. But, seriously, I am looking forward to reading my books, learning about being a mom and trying to find the instruction manual for Eli...I know he's just hiding it from me. He thinks he's so funny.

5. Plan a wedding...

Ohmygah, I'm gonna die before its all over with, but yes, I'm attempting to plan my wedding. Planning the wedding is more stressful than the event or even the marriage in my opinion. I'm looking forward to the day itself, but I will be glad when we nail down a lot of these "silly" details and have the money for them too. It'll be good. I already have a lot of ideas and I'm getting my wedding planning book and a magazine or two. After I have my job nailed down, or at the very least by next month, I'm making an appointment to go try on dresses and see if what I see on the Internet is actually what I want to wear or if I'm just gonna go for a white or beige sheet and wrap myself 15000 times in ribbon with white flip flops. (Though I haven't completely thrown out the idea of wearing rhinestone encrusted flip flops yet...which my mother will roll her eyes out once she finds out about...) No tiaras. Lots of lilies (real and fake). Eli and his cousin Julie as ring bearer and flower girl. Oh, and designing my own centerpieces and invitations. ::claps excitedly::

Oh, 2011, I'm so happy you are here...here's to hoping everyone else's will be just as much fun. :)

Working Mom Vs. Stay At Home Mom

That right there, is like one of the ultimate wars NEVER talked about. Pretty much everybody sits on one side of the fence or the other...I, of course, being a moderate, fall in the middle of the argument.

I want so badly to have been home with Eli for the last 6 weeks. Going back to work when he was 6 weeks old, was one of the hardest decisions of my life. You never know or realize how hard the decision is going to be until you make it. I never cried so much before in my life. (And, I had already cried hard through the first 3 weeks of breastfeeding.) It was so heartbreaking for me to go through, because all I wanted to do was sit at home with Eli, play with him, feed him, make faces at him, and work on personal things for myself. However, when its a matter of playing with him vs. him having diapers, I choose my kid having diapers. After the last six weeks of working, I can't say its any easier, its only more tolerable. Some things have changed at the job, and as of this week, I get three days off a week, which i'm thrilled about, because it equals more Eli time! (Yay!) But, I there are some realities I've come to terms with in six weeks.

-Working at home will not be a real option for a long while, at least not without a babysitter.

Let's face reality, when you are home, your child wants to be with YOU. They don't want to be home with you, while you shush them 90 bajillion times because you are trying to answer phones, read e-mails, and do other job-related things. Sooo, in reality, my genius plan of being a stay at home working mom, doesn't really compute in my head. Some things I am able to accomplish from home, so I debate about doing those things part-time, but I have to see how those work out, before I reveal more. No need to get overly excited...

- However, not working at all, is not an option, at least not in my case. And, in a shocker, it have nothing to do with finances, and much more to do with the long haul. If I take an extended period of time off, I might as well start from scratch with my education when Eli hits kindergarten. So, in order to avoid having to go through school, or having to work at crappy jobs to make a living, i'm going to try to get to the point where financially, we may be able to afford for me to only have to work part-time, so that I can be home with Eli a lot for a few years, but I don't lose out on good opportunities to further a career. I dunno, its all a work in progress.

Look, i'm not knocking one or the other in terms of what a mom chooses to do when it comes to life with a child. Life with a kid is not easy. A kid sucks up your life. It changes your life completely. Its much easier to stay kidless if you do not want to have to work your schedule around something that relies on you for the first four years of his or her life and then can suddenly turn on you for the next 13 - 15 years afterwards. The reality, is that you can't have your kid be the center of your life, because what the hell do you do, when they don't need you anymore. And, that point comes, eventually. We all have to suck it up and grow up. You teach your kids a lot about life. They teach you a lot more about life. A lot more than you expect and could ever ask for.

Being a mom is amazing. I love every second of it, and I look forward to all the joys and heartaches that are headed my way, because each one of them is going to make my kid and myself better people. Its why its hard working outside the home 40 hours a week. I miss being able to see life from his perspective a lot. But, you get breathing room working outside the home. You learn how to not be attached to the hip. Its still hard. There are still days i'm not sure i've made the right decision. But, 2/3rds of motherhood is leaping. Its hoping like hell, that you are doing the right thing, for your kid's sake and your own.

Time is a luxury...

...well at least in my world currently. Because of different events that have unfolded within the last three weeks, things that I've been dealing with for months have to come to a head. To say the least, I'm still surprised by some of the turns of events and I don't know what to make with some decisions that have come up in my career. I'm trying to get my head on straight still, because everytime I think I know what direction things are heading in, the rug seems to get sweeped out from under me. I think this is commonly refered to as life, or something like it. Hmm.

I dunno, either way, i'm tired of talking about these sorts of things for the moment. When I'm not talking about it, i'm thinking about it, when i'm not thinking about it, i'm dreaming about it, and the questions seem to constantly float into my conciousness, and I just want to SCREAM at the top of my lungs for it to stop and for me to be able to think about something, at least for a moment.

However, because certain events, my life is now everyday the news. For the last two years, I've definetely paid more attention to the news and the goings on of the worlds, than say the previous 5 years of college. However, now I pay even more attention, because, well, its my job.

So yeah, anyways, things seem to be going pretty crazy in the world. Hmm, a thought, could the craziness in my life be a reflection of the world around me? Hmm. Anyways, paying attention to all that and a format switch (from "Classic Rock" to "Classic Hits" and yes, there is a difference), I made some of my own connections. We now play a song called "Allentown" by Billy Joel. The last few times that I've heard it, I've mostly just jammed along with the music, because when I heard the song when I was little I loved the melody. Then it occured to me yesterday when I heard it that I never knew the lyrics to it.

Now that I know the lyrics, I can't believe how much this particular song is still so dead on with the life we live and the state of our country, and the song was written 26 years ago. I'm not saying its not possible, but it just amazes me when it happens. Anyways, not only am I exposing you to the lyrics, i'm linking you to the video (Thanks You Tube), 80s cheese and all. Please note that you get a buttcheek shot, fire batons and a guy in daisy duke shorts. But most importantly, yeah just listen to the music.

Well we're living here in Allentown
And they're closing all the factories down
Out in Bethlehem they're killing time
Filling out forms
Standing in line.

Well our fathers fought the Second World War
Spent their weekends on the Jersey Shore
Met our mothers at the USO
Asked them to dance
Danced with them slow
And we're living here in Allentown.

But the restlessness was handed down
And it's getting very hard to stay

Well we're waiting here in Allentown
For the Pennsylvania we never found
For the promises our teachers gave
If we worked hard
If we behaved.

So the graduations hang on the wall
But they never really helped us at all
No they never taught us what was real
Iron and coke,
Chromium steel.
And we're waiting here in Allentown.

But they've taken all the coal from the ground
And the union people crawled away

Every child had a pretty good shot
To get at least as far as their old man got.
If something happened on the way to that place
They threw an American flag in our face, oh oh oh.

Well I'm living here in Allentown
And it's hard to keep a good man down.
But I won't be getting up today.

And it's getting very hard to stay.

And we're living here in Allentown.