I am, in fact, Old....

Hey there, hi there, ho there! (Hehe.) Yes, I know. I disappeared off the face of the earth, without a word, for a year or so. Don't be hurt, it's not that I don't love the two of you who do read this blog. I've just been legitimately busy. Seriously. You want an update? Ok!

-First...I continues down the path of trying to be a good mom to the wildly enthusiastic, high energy monkey, known as Eli

Eli devouring his first chocolate cake on his first birthday...yes, he is mine.

-I got a legit job!! Holy crap!!! I left McDonald's (after I thought that was never going to happen), and am now working for...well, I can't tell you specifically. But, I will tell you it is for a large retail company that sells their wares on TV. And, there's only three letters in their name. Ok, that's all I can tell. Well, that and I now have legit health insurance. And, vacation time. It's nice. I'm not going to say ideal, because the people I deal with are NUTS! Not your garden variety either. But, I will continue to work towards furthering my career aspirations.

-I photographed my first official wedding!

My favorite photograph from the Anderson-Wall Wedding!

It was really fun! And, terrifying. But, definitely fun. I won't be doing any weddings for a while though, because I am just way to busy with my job and just don't have the time I need to devote to doing weddings. But, I'm still working on projects for my friends. And of course, taking 3 million pics of Eli, because I have to document every moment of Eli.

Case in point, because this kid, is cute!

That's the highlights. I mean, there's the usual nonsense, going to the beach, hanging out with friends, going to concerts, just having fun. Oh, and the whole planning a wedding thing. Ray and I finally decided on a date...April 20, 2013. So, we have a little bit over a year to start getting stuff together. I'm aiming for low key...like really low key. Like, having coolers full of beer, getting married in the backyard, hanging out with friends low key. Reality check: I choose a life over a perfect wedding. Don't get me wrong, I WANT a fancy wedding with all the fixings, including a photo booth. But, I have a life to live and what I really want, more than anything...is a new place.

We're almost there, finally. I graduated from college in 2006. That means it's taken me 6 years just to finally move out of my parents house. But, we are all set. Well, almost. There's actually getting the money and then putting down the security deposit/1st month's rent, etc. So, we're looking at the end of February/beginning of March. That's cool. That means I will be out of my parent's home before I'm 30. No, seriously.

This leads back to my whole point, that, I'm getting old. Now, please understand that for me, age has always been just a number. I don't have many wrinkles. My grey hairs are disguiseable. And, I still have most of my mind. However, my body has deeply betrayed me, to the point where I know I have to start working out, because I can't take it anymore. Plus, I want to be smaller for the wedding. But, mostly, I want to be in shape. My mom was a nano-second away from throwing away my brother's bike. I stopped her and said I would take it. I almost died, because I'm special and I tried to peddle around the neighborhood on a bike that was set on the highest gear possible, which made me work three times as hard and wore me out three times as fast because I'm sedentary at my new job. (No bueno.) But, once I dropped the gears down to normal person speed, I did good and now make it around the neighborhood 5 or 6 times before I go inside to drink water. Plus, I did something crazy and signed up for dun dun dun the Tour for the Cure. Its a road bike race that raises money for the American Diabetes Association. I'm a red rider, because I found out I'm pre-diabetic, so I get a really nifty red shirt that they get in the Tour De France...only red instead of multi-colored. I'm really excited, though I know that I may die. I'm only going to bike 10 miles this year, because trying to bike 100 miles in my first year is ridiculous and I would've had to start training a year ago to actually do that and I only have 3 months to train, so its better that way.

There's more, tons more. But, I'll continue to fill you in later.

The Self - Improvement Quest - Post-Partum Update

Ok, not gonna lie, I really didn't think I was going to be writing this soon about self-improvement. I pretty much figured that I was going to be writing at the end of the year, about how there's always next year. I'm shocked to discover that I'm not! Yay!

K, here we go...

-Career Development

This out of everything has to be the exciting improvement! I got another job!! Yay! A job I like!! Yay! A job that only lasts until the end of January!! Uhh, awwwwwww. Oh well. Its another job. A job I like or at the very least, can tolerate. It makes me decent money. It gets me away from the ugly trend I've had over the last 2 1/2 to 3 years of taking crappy ass jobs because I needed the money and didn't really have a choice, because the economy sucked and everybody was competing for the jobs I wanted the most. Of course, I'm a mom now, and its amazing how much your priorities change in 9 months. I was devastated, heartbroken, over the loss of my radio career, and at a loss as to what I was going to do about it, because if I wasn't in radio, then who was I? Like, seriously, that was my attitude about it. I still think things happen for a reason, even if it takes a while for those things to happen. Maybe I was too into the whole working thing. I mean, I have to work, money is important if you want to do things, like take care of your child. It just doesn't have to be my whole life. More importantly, I don't want it to be my whole life. Like I was telling E (the runner) yesterday, I would like a job that pays decent, has decent benefits, and allows me the luxury of taking a week of paid vacation once in a while. While this job only lasts until January, there is the potential that I could turn this around in my favor and turn it into a permanent job. I did it with radio, not to mention several other jobs. The key is to get my foot in the door. My foot's in, now I've just got 4 months to prove myself.

-Financial Stability

This is the area that has improved the least since I wrote my mid-year update. Financially, we are technically barely keeping our heads above water, which sucks. Our saving grace was the simply fact that Ray makes good money and that I scrimped and saved before I went on maternity leave so that we would have gift cards and cash to fall back on when we really needed it. But, it still hurts to be out of work for 6 weeks or so, and then have Ray's paycheck take a beating because of the stupid weather (torrential rain = no work in Ray's world), so that hurt a lot. But, our kid has had food, diapers and wipes, which is like the big three of things they require most in baby world. It hasn't been easy, but I think by the end of the year, we'll back on a more even keel, especially since i'm making more money then what I was making before I went on maternity leave.

-Health and Wellness

This one is another shocker for me. Five weeks after birth and I'm back down to my pre-pregnancy weight! HOLY CRAP!! No seriously, you have no idea how excited I am about this. Couple this with the fact that my pre-pregnancy weight is the lowest I've weighed since I've graduated from college, and I'm setting a good trend for my future endeavor of losing some serious weight over the next year or so. I'm doing really well with my eating habits, continuing my trend of eating well-rounded, colorful meals and drinking LOTS of water, and very little other things, though my caffeine intake has increased some, since well, I don't sleep much. That's my only problem to an extent right now, but its not really my fault or my kid's. Its just how things roll. As he gets older, i'll get to sleep more.

Exercise is of course lacking, since I went through vaginal labor and i'm not allowed to do anything strenuous without official clearance. Its fine, I go back to the doctor on the 22nd, when I should get clearance to exercise and go back to my yoga and start my year long goal of training to walk/run the Susan G. Komen Foundation 5k. I'm trying to be positive, and i'm not guaranteeing the 5k will happen, but we'll see what happens.

Stress-wise, things have improved ENORMOUSLY since giving birth. Its not perfect, but i'm more back to my normal stress level, which is pretty cool. I feel better about life in general, and things feel accomplish-able, which I haven't felt about life in a really long time. We'll see how things go once i'm back on birth control. The one i'm going on has the potential to make me a little bit loopy, but i'm crossing my fingers it will be temporary.

-Education

That whole goal has been completely turned upside down on its head. This is because my career goals have changed and all that good crap. I still want to go to Barnes and Noble and get a Ms. Fix it book I was told about that hooks you up with how to fix things around your home. I'm officially ready to research taking a cooking class to really learn how to cook "outside the box". My friend A, who's practically Suzy Homemaker, gets creative with her cooking, so my goal is to aspire to be her to an extent. Bacon-wrapped Asparagus is pretty frigging sweet, so i'm looking for a class that will allow me to expand my mind enough to make things besides Hamburger Helper and things of that nature. Oh, and the one other thing, a parenting class of some kind, I think mostly as a way to meet other mommies and also to prove to myself that i'm not completely screwing up my kid.

-Minimalization/Organization

Uuugh, this more than anything has crashed and burned like you wouldn't believe. Of course, you try having this tiny person that some days refuses to be with anyone else, but YOU! Its getting better though, but i'm not nearly as organized as I could be. Minimalization is easier, of course, because I get rid of lots of stuff everyday and as Eli grows out of stuff, i have a tendency to put it away for future use for others. I'm hoping by the end of the year I'll be back into the swing of things being able to organize my stuff and my life and packing things away and getting ready to move somewhere next year.

-Future plans

I haven't made many future plans over the last few years. I've never felt I've had the ability to, without paid vacation and making more than $8.00 an hour. Having had those two things potentially change, makes me want to plan for the future. Finalizing our moving plans, marriage in another year or two maybe, planning a major trip for me, my son and my mom to go to England, so that he can experience culture like I did when I was little. Going to Disney World, making plans for holidays, having fun, learning, exposing my son to the joys and heartbreaks of life. I'm really excited about my future...more than I have been in a really long time.

The 2010 Self-Improvement Quest Mid-Year Update...

Umm, exsqueeze me, but we are already halfway through the year? Shut the hell up. No, seriously, I mean it. Anyways, since its been six months since I originally set out on the adventure of trying to improve my life FOR REAL this year, I figured I'd pause for a second and review what I planned on doing, and if I've actually gotten anywhere...

-Career Development

Ok, so here's the thing...unfortunately, the job market is tough. Whoa, way for me to blow your mind. However, I've still been job hunting. Well, I was job hunting until I got to be about 4.5 months pregnant and there was no way to ignore the fact that i'm, well, preggo. I mean, I tried, but unfortunately, while they may not come out and out and tell you they aren't hiring you because they don't want to lose you in 4 - 5 months to maternity leave, THEY DON'T WANT TO HIRE YOU BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU IN 4-5 MONTHS TO MATERNITY LEAVE. Blah! It sucks. I have lots of skills. I made a list of them for goodness sakes. But, you can't make someone hire you, I still fully believe that with all my heart. I have plans though. I sent my resume to the local chapter of the Susan G. Komen Foundation to volunteer with office work and event planning, because that is one good way to get some good experience, even if I can't convince people to hire me right now, maybe 6 months down the line they will. It can't hurt to try. I'll try to work on improving this after my son arrives.

-Financial Stability

Surprisingly, in spite of the fact that my job stinks and the pay stinks, I am on financially better ground than I was a year ago. Crazy, i know. But, our bills are being paid, on time. My credit card is going to be paid off hopefully before I go on maternity leave, and by tax time next year, we should only be paying two bills..cell phone and car insurance. Holy crap! The one thing I've sucked at is still savings. However, if we can continue down the path of paying off bills, i'm hoping that we will be able to start adding to our savings account when I get back to work. At least, that's my goal.

-Health and Wellness

Health and Wellness took on a mind of its own. Along with pregnancy, came my sudden addiction to fruits, vegetables, wheat bread, peanut butter and milk and water. Caffeine has not been in my system in over 7 months. (Imagine what I'm going to be like when I get it back, yikes!) I've cut a lot of unnecessary crap from my diet. I do yoga five days a week. (Not the most flexible gal still, but it helps with certain wellness aspects.) And, with Gestational Diabetes, i'm extremely picky about what I put in my mouth and how much. I'm not going to lie, i'm not perfect. I still like a little bit of sweets every once in a while, but it's quite different from a year ago, where I just kinda put whatever I felt like in my mouth and was done with it.

The one thing I didn't think about wellness wise, was stress. Stress is actually still quite a big thing in my life, and I really have got to find some constructive ways to deal with besides eating, or yoga...or crying, blech. I'll have to do some research on this and go from there.

-Education

There's a tie in I didn't talk about up in career development. But, its education too. Its considering taking tax preparation classes and becoming a tax preparer during tax season. Earlier this year, I ended up doing 4 different people's taxes, including my own. I mean, I got paid for it a little, but if i'm gonna do it, why not get really paid for it. I need to find a good program though. H&R Block has one, but its $300!! Aaaah, how do I pay for that? I'm researching that plan. (And looking into it for my mom, who needs a part time job.)

In other education aspects, I've had a lot of education on stuff I didn't plan on, especially the whole becoming a mommy thing. I'm taking a Lamaze class at the end of the month, a breastfeeding class, oh, I also took a nutrition class about having Gestational diabetes too. I don't know, my genius plan of getting a book to learn about my car failed miserably when my car died and we haven't been able to get the car fixed yet. I basically want to try to get a "Mrs. Fix-it" kind of book and learn how to fix basic things around the house, toilets, this, that and the other. And the boy and I have been discussing taking a cooking class together as something fun to do after I have the baby, though it might have to wait until next year depending upon the cost. Yes, i am in fact a nerd.

-Minimalization/Organization

Ok, here's my opinion. After the last 8 months, I really think minimalization/organization is a LIFETIME process. You can get rid of as much stuff as you want, and still end up with more stuff. Now, this may have to do with the fact that I keep accumulating so much stuff for the jellybean, but seriously, the amount of clothes I've donated, the things from college that i've gone through and decided what I did or didn't want once and for all, and then minimizing my parents house down some, its been unreal. We've gotten rid of so much stuff. But, it feels like we have so much more stuff!! I was really proud of myself for getting rid of quite a bit of our DVD collection, which was craziness, and in actuality, we only got rid of about half of what we actually had, but we still got a good chunk of change from it, which was pretty cool.

I think that's the best summary of my self-improvement, at least at this point...Things are about to get seriously crazy, especially with my jellybean coming. We'll see how things progress from there!

Night and Day...

Everybody has a reason for the way that they are, whether its because of family, friends, experience or time. I just never realized how closely linked my personality is to my family, at least until Mother's Day.

Now, even though I am becoming a new Mommy, i'm still not one yet. So, to celebrate Mother's Day, I got my pregnant butt out of bed and decided to make my mom breakfast! (Also, celebrating the fact that my mom finally came home from Florida, yayyayayayayayayayayayayay!) Somehow, I managed to convince my brother to get his butt out of bed to help me out and the two of us proceeded to cook and clean. I was in the middle of rocking out to Foo Fighters on Pandora and cleaning dishes and giving orders to my brother of what he could do to help clean until we were ready to cook, while the boy peeked in at our progress and generally made fun of my newly developed waddle. (OMG, i'm waddling!!) As we progressed, the boy suddenly stopped me in my tracks with a question..."Why don't you just tell DR what to do all at once, instead of one task at a time?" Both me and my brother stopped what we were doing, looked at each other, and I immediately regressed to the age of twelve.

At twelve, I was not thrilled to have my weeknights and some weekend nights filled with "Play tag with the five year old." Of course, neither of my parents were thrilled to be leaving me in charge of my autistic five year old brother. (We wouldn't find out he actually had a much milder form of Autism, known as Asperger's Syndrome for another 3 years.) But, my father had lost his job, and we didn't have but so many options at the time, so babysitting and cooking, along with homework and making sure DR did kindergarten homework, (Did you color your sheet for school? YES! SEEEEEEEE! Ok, ok!) was part of my life. One particular night, I was desperate to be semi-normal for five minutes of my pre-pubescent life, and really just wanted to watch 90210, and NOT entertain my goofy brother. But, dinner had to be made, the family room was a mess and homework had not even been attempted in my world, (though DR's had been accomplished in 6 minutes...) so I decided to get DR to pitch in and help. I asked him to pick up trash on the floor, put his homework away, and pull out silverware from the drawer, since dinner was almost done. I went back to cooking whatever it was that I was cooking, when 5 minutes later, I heard a wail and ran into the next room to find DR running in circles with a half filled trash bag lying on the floor and tears streaming down his face. There are very few things in the world more terrifying than finding your five year old brother running in manic circles around a trash bag, and there not being any blood you can see coming out of him. Out of the corner of his eye, he seemed to catch a glimpse of me, and immediately ran into my arms, crying hysterically. Through the blubber of tears, I managed to catch "Too much...I can't remember." In my effort to treat my brother "normal", (such a crock of crap...nobody's normal) I had overwhelmed him, which, comparatively speaking, is like informing me that I'm in charge of making sure a nuclear power plant doesn't blow up the lower 48 states. I'd be crying and running in circles too. That was the day I learned that not everybody learns the same and not everyone can be expected to do the same thing in the same way.

My brother and I are night and day. I'm talkative, sociable, happy, a multi-tasking, organizational, 3 calenders just to inform me when my baby is coming, giggling, outgoing kind of gal. I'm semi-witty, but mostly just funny on purpose (and accident). DR is introverted, careful, mistrusting of those he doesn't know (for good reason), intelligent, disorganized, messy, one step at a time, would walk out the door without his head if it wasn't attached to his body, observant kind of guy. He's funny when he doesn't try to be, and is actually really great once you get to know him. But getting to know him is like trying to break through a brick wall. I'm practically an open book.

I handle change well, or relatively well for a 27 year old neurotic who tries and fails miserably at planning her life. My brother's life is literally over for 5 minutes if something of importance to him is moved from one room to the next, never mind death, moving to another state or any major life changing event that could happen to any of us at any moment. Yet, he's taught me to not let your neurosis stop you from doing the things you want to do. Harsh reality moment: DR had accomplished more adventures by the age of 19, than I had at 25. Ever hiked 50 miles of the Appalachian trail? I haven't even hiked one. The most accident prone, least athletically skilled out of all of us Flahertys, and he hikes and canoes and swims and falls down the side of mountains. He hiked and canoed 50 miles of the Appalachian trail at age 16. At age 17, he performed at Carnegie Hall, along with 25 of his peers. This is not a person who does well with crowds either. He was courted by MIT, Harvard and countless other prestigious universities and colleges across the United States, well, before freaking out and deciding to stay home and go to school here. He's making plans to hike the whole of the Appalachian trail. He may not have many friends, but the ones he does have, he trusts completely and they understand him completely, neurotic craziness and all.

So, why am I the way I am? Because life has taught me that no ones catches all the good or all the bad. Because my brother is younger than me, but has taught me more than I could ever hope to teach him. Because if my asperger's syndrome brother can accomplish what he has accomplished (which is more than I could ever list), why can't I do the same?

The truth, is that my brother has been the one person in my life who has taught me more about tolerance, acceptance, and understanding than imaginable. He's not perfect, but than again, neither am I , and neither is anyone else. Somehow or another, he turned me into a leader and a pretty good teacher. I have no clue if this is actually going to help me in life, in the end, since I can't seem to find a halfway decent job without moving to Billings, Montana (and I don't like snow THAT much). But it feels like a start. Nothing is ever perfect. But, if you plow through it and keep going, maybe you can walk away with a feeling of satisfaction for the things you have accomplished. Let go of the things you can't control, and be happy with what you have. Strive for more, but be satisfied with what you have done.

We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play them.

Backstory: Professor Randy Pausch, a Carnegie Mellon University Computer scientist whose "last lecture" about facing terminal cancer became an internet sensation and a best-selling book died today. He was 47 years old. He was diagnosed with incurable pancreatic cancer in September 2006. His popular last lecture at Carnegie Mellon in September 2007 garnered international attention and was viewed by millions on the internet. The speech was part of a series Carnegie Mellon called "The Last Lecture", where professors were asked to think about what matters to them most and give a hypothetical final talk.

My story: I initially saw this video not long after they made Randy Pausch ABC's Person of the Week one week. The thing that I caught from it was the quote I have as the subject line. In the end, it probably describes life better than any other words I could come up with. I'll write more later as to give everyone time to watch the lecture. (Forewarning: The lecture is an hour and 16 minutes.)



The lecture series was born out of this thought: What would you say if you knew you were going to die and had the chance to sum up everything that was most important to you? For all the other professors in the series, it was just a hypothetical. For Pausch, it was real. He was given 6 months to live. And I think he does his best to explain what he would do and how he lived his life and interestingly enough how he obtained his childhood dreams. I honestly haven't thought about my childhood dreams in quite a while. In fact, i'm not entirely sure I could remember them, nevermind even achieve them.

26 is just around the corner. 30 is a lot closer than it should be, at least in my book. My goal for myself for at least one part of this weekend, is to really sit down, think about the things I want to do, big and small, and start coming up with a plan for me to attempt some of these things. I figure if this guy can make his dreams come true, I probably can too.

Perspectives...

Note: Forgive me, I know I haven't posted, but my life has been pure chaos the last few weeks. Its taken me three weeks to post this thought process. Its very scrambled. My next post will be more entertaining or enlightening or whatever.

After years (and I really do mean years, its not an exageration) of taking pictures, I've come to one conclusion...its all about perspective.

Recently, I had the chance to take my trusty Canon 35 mm camera out of its bag, dust it off and put it to some more good use. I've had this camera since I was a freshman in college. Used my money from my tax return that year to purchase the camera. I was so excited, I could hardly stand it. I knew the minute I saw this camera in the window at the store, I had to have it. I was so proud of my purchase and protective of this camera, I bought a huge Canon case and camera cleaning supplies. The minute I got to school that weekend, I strapped on my camera and took pictures around my dorm, mostly of the dorm itself, the flowers I had bought, people on my hall, the outside of the building, stuff like that. Some pictures came out cool, some didn't.

I blame that purchase on my freshman biology professor, who's name I couldn't recall if my life depended on it. However, as it turns out, if it wasn't for her, I probably wouldn't even have taken photography into consideration, wouldn't have really gone ahead and purchased the camera, nothing. I had to do an environment project for the class, basically take pictures in or around the city I lived in back home, of one area that was an example of a "healthy" environment and another of a "polluted" area. That was easy enough, i'm surrounded by water, and I knew of the lake that I had been going to since I was a little kid that was actually in really great condition (and still is to this day) and then another body of water that connects with the ocean that well, quite frankly is a mess. Hmm. Anyhoo, I went down there, took pictures with, of all things a disposable camera, cause I was in a hurry and just needed to get the pictures done. (Yes, I procrastinate.) Got them developed, slapped them up on foam board and hauled ass back to school.

Went to class that Monday and did a little presentation, about the enviroment, the distances between the two areas I went to, the biggest problems with the bad enviroment, what, if anything could be done to improve the bad area to look as good as the good enviroment, etc. Anyhoo, I had to go to her office to get the grade or whatever and while we were sitting there talking, she asked me about my pictures...where I took them at, what I took them with etc. She said the pictures were really good, had I ever considered taking photography courses or a minor? That thought had never even crossed my mind. But once she put it there, I couldn't get it out. Of course, I, in my course of studying at Longwood, never got around to actually finishing a minor, but I did take some classes. Enough to definetely improve my talent a great deal. Or at least give myself the knowledge to improve it.

Well, in truth, I don't know if I could blame my photography interest on my biology teacher. Maybe it started before. Recently, me and my mom were looking at old pictures from when me and the baby brother were little and as we were flipping through, I stumbled upon a picture of my parents and baby brother as a newborn. My parents were looking down at him, and he's got his little fist balled up, he's all red and tiny. But I can't explain the look on my parents face, its one of pure joy and peace. Me not thinking obvious at the time, I asked my mom who took the picture and she said "you did, you just turned around, looked at us, and took the shot, then turned back around and went back to looking at the camera." I'll have to find the picture and put it up sometime. Its not the greatest picture ever, and its obvious that the camera quality wasn't too great, and had i moved a quarter of an inch up or down, I probably would've cut my dad's head off or cut my brother out of the picture all together. But honestly, for a 7 year old? It shows promise.

I guess that's why I like photography so much. In much of my life where sometimes my perspective doesn't matter or when I can't seem to get my perspective out there, photography is the one place where I can take a picture of what I want and its mine, all mine. Its what I saw at the particular moment, that I wanted to capture. Its nice to know that I can get those out there and maybe give people not only a peek into what I see, but hopefully something pretty too.

This whole perspective thing kind of plays into my life lately, well certain parts of my life anyway. There are a lot of things changing right now. Some of it is going to be for the better. Some of it may not be. And I find that there's not much I can do about all of it. I've been angry and upset and annoyed a lot lately. I'm tired of all those things. I don't want to be angry and upset anymore. In the past and even now, the question once in a while gets thrown out there of "What do you want out of life?" For the most part, truthfully, I just want to be content and happy. I want to enjoy life. I'll figure out the rest later. And some of it I may never figure out. I just know that in some parts of my life, perspectives have been blown out of proportion. Bigger deals have been made out of things than necessary. Right and Wrong and who's on which side of it has been put before friendship. It really is about perspective. But you have to put that perspective in the right frame of mind, or your doomed to never see the whole picture. (Cheesy, yes I know. Don't judge me.)

Anyways...I really do believe that photography is all about perspective. I believe in the end that no two people see something the same way. Or at least they rarely do. There are pictures my friends take that I wouldn't have thought to take, or for me, I catch something at just the right moment that makes me go "I need to get this shot now". But its about what your eye sees. Sometimes, its about tilting your head at the right angle, or squinting just right. And I think the beautiful thing about photography, is that everyone can show off their perspective.

Music = The Love of My Life

I'm really not joking. It really is. I mean, I'm not saying there's not a person who I may or may not be realizing is inching towards that title too. Which is a rarity for me. Its taken me quite a while, but for the first time in my life I've found someone who makes me feel close to the way music makes me feel. We'll have to see as time goes on, but I take this as progress. Maybe even a sign that I'm growing up. Maybe.



But music, ah music. You really are the love of my life. The one thing that I have truly come to depend upon in good and bad times. No matter what, there is a moment, a lyric, a sound, something that helps to define the place I'm at in my life and to help put things into perspective for me. Its not a personal thing or a statement that people can't do that for me. But music is that force for me.



For as long as I can remember music has always been a major part of my life in one form or another. I grew up during the birth and rise of MTV. I was the 3 year old sitting there tapping my feet along to Michael Jackson's Billie Jean (My foot starts involuntarily tapping EVERY TIME I hear that bass line) and my own little scandalous moment of imitating Madonna's dance from her "Like a Virgin" video (My mom proceeded to turn the channel every time the video came on, I apparently had the moves down a little too well for her to handle).



I loved all music as a kid and ate up every single sound I could get my little hands on. My parents, being the age difference (20 years) and the background differences (Dad = White (Irish decent), Mom = Hispanic (Colombian)), had very different tastes. When my dad would drive me to school, we listened to oldies (like 50s doo wop and 60s) and country. Secret: I still love Reba McIntire to this day...I know, I know, its country, but I do. Johnny Cash is a freaking Icon, have you heard his music? Hank Williams...I could go on. Anyways, my mom would pick me up in the afternoon and I got my radio flipping habits from her. She never stayed on one channel. She listened to current pop, rock, then flip it to Led Zeppelin and The Beatles or R&B or Top Forty. I'd sit there just bopping away, learning lyrics and that was my kind of day. It was the days when I stole my mom's old small stereo that had a cassette player, record player and radio on it, and hooked it up in my room so I could play my Rainbow Brite Record (Yes, I had a Rainbow Brite Record) for 15 hours straight and listen to....wait for it...New Kids on the Block. You got the right stuff....baaaaaaaaaby...(Don't judge me, it was 1988, we are all allowed to make mistakes at the age of 6.) OH, and stealing my mom's Billy Joel tapes and Fleetwood Mac records...and Stevie Wonder too. I have problems.

Music has always helped me get through the good. I mean that's easy enough, you find an upbeat song, dance around your room or wherever and you just let loose. Its the tough times...the tough moments where nothing seems to make you feel better, jokes don't work, sometimes even hugs aren't enough. At least they aren't for me. Its when I put on my iPod or start looking through my CDs, just trying to find that one song, that one lyric that I need to hear to remind me that things are going to be ok, you know, when I've tried to remind myself that 1000 times, and I just can't seem to get it through my head. It was my knee jerk reaction in 7th grade when my dad lost his job, I just ran to my room, shut the door and jacked up Matchbox Twenty's Yourself or Someone Like You and just collapsed on the floor staring at the ceiling. It amazingly enough was Fleetwood Mac's Rumours that I turned to when my dad had a heart attack my junior year of HS. I know, but Rumours is an amazing record. I HIGHLY recommend listening to it. And I don't always listen to an album because I'm looking for those lyrics. Sometimes, I put the music on and I just get involved in the melodies and the sounds and whatever else makes up the music and it takes my mind off of whatever troubles I have. It gives me time to re-group, so that I can think and figure out how I want to deal with something. Other times I hit just the right song that brings out the right emotions in me, whether its joy or sadness and its therapeutic and I get everything out of my system and I'm ok. I feel better and I can deal.

Music is just this entity. I don't even think I can put it into words. Its just something I truly understand on all levels. Its the one thing I can talk about for hours on end, read about for days, experience for a lifetime and still want to know more! Truthfully, its probably an obsession, but its a better obsession than cocaine, so i'm gonna go with music.

This is why I couldn't answer the question of my favorite music. Music is such an experience for me that trying to narrow it down to my favorite albums or bands or whatever could very well take me forever. And I could be listing for forever. Like that whole question "What's your number 1 top desert island album?"...I can't answer that question. I've tried to narrow it. No success as of yet. Once I come up with the answer, I'll let you know.