Marrying the love of my life...

Ok, so I haven't really updated this blog, in like forever. I know. I'm the crappiest blogger ever. It's fine. You'll live. I'll live. We'll all be happy.

I'm happy to say I'm married! Whoa! I'm officially no longer a Flaherty. Which affected me more than I anticipated. I assumed that it would be no big, I'd go change my name, and be done. Then, while Ray and I were on our honeymoon, I was mentioning about what a hassle it is (I have to call everybody and their mama and tell them my last name is different, blah blah blah), Ray said "You don't have to change your name, if you don't want to." Wrong thing to say to me. I put off actually changing my name for an additional week, because I debated if I wanted to keep my last name or change it to Ray's,which is the same last name that Eli  has. Which had a bigger impact on me changing my name than anything else. In reality, it's too complicated to explain to people why I wouldn't want the same last name as the hubby, plus, it's really awkward when I have to deal with Eli crap, and I get the third degree because I don't have the same last name. (What, we did things backwards. Sue me.) Anyways, it's legally changed, so that's cool. You can now call me Emmett. Or Flaherty. Whatever, I'll still answer either way. At least for a while.

Our wedding was awesome. And crazy. And fun. Which is pretty much what you would expect from anything I'm involved in. I had a lot of help from my family, Ray's family, my best friends and a multitude of other people, without which none of this would have came together. My best friend had to go into "Maid of Honor-zilla" mode, because by the time we got to the week of the wedding, I was such a nervous wreck, I could barely function. Actually, I was a nervous wreck the whole time. I kept questioning every single decision I made, debating if I really wanted to do things out doors, should I really spend so much money on the dress, maybe we should just do catering (as an aside, do catering. That's not a DIY, I suggest for a wedding. Ever.), how should I do my hair, why can't I find the right foundation color, my teeth are terrible, I'm such a fat ass, I look weird, is a fight going to break out...and on and on and on. Whatever. We finally got to the day of the wedding, Ray took off to deal with food stuff and making sure his family was actually going to show up on time (and not bring 100 extra people with them), I was doing stuff around my house and fretting about everything, then Erica showed up, picked me up, we drove out to the middle of nowhere, met up with Ashton and Lori, and decorated the "gazebo". They call it an amphitheater, but I don't think Aerosmith will be playing it anytime soon. Whatever, it's perfect for a wedding. We hung up flowers, debated tulle, and kept checking out the landscape. I was really excited. It was a beautiful day, the weather was perfect, everything was green and blooming and pretty. We finished up decorating, then sat down to an awesome lunch that Erica put together for all of us, and relaxed for a few minutes. Next thing I knew, my photographer was calling me, letting me know he was there, and I realized we had to go, to get the reception building set up. It was a funky shaped room, but we managed to figure out how to set it up, so that everyone would be able to sit. It turned out that my photographer was freaking Magyver, every time one of us was saying we needed something, he would come up with it. Anyways, I fretted some more, started pacing and worrying about everyone arriving on time, realizing I forgot crap, I didn't have enough of other stuff, I'm a hot mess, aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh. Anyways, I was so busy worrying about that stuff, I wasn't even paying attention to time, and had Erica coming to me saying "Let's get your hair and make up done". Oh, yeah, that! So, we sat down, got that done as quickly as possible, then I went back to fretting some more, then people started arriving, the rest of the wedding party, Ray's mom and aunt with the food, my parents and brother with the cake and Eli! I grabbed Eli, wrestled him into a suit, discovered his brand new dress shoes I bought were too small. (He's got big feet!) and shoved him back into his tennis shoes. Whatever, if you pay that much attention to his shoes, bite me! Then, suddenly, Erica and Ashton are telling me it's time to get in my dress, and OMG, it's time already, say what?! So, we kicked everyone out, so that we could get me ready, my mom was trying to get me into my bra, Erica's yelling at me about not crying (I'm a cryer!), and Ashton's helping me get into my dress and shoes too, and then all the sudden, oh man, this is it, I'm going to go marry the love of my life. My person. This is really it. I think I'm going to grow up. Everyone, of course, gave me the obligatory "You look amazing" comments, and I really believed them this time. We jumped into my Dad's van, drove over to the parking lot, and then hiked up to the gazebo. (Hiking in wedges = Worst idea I've ever had. Seriously.)

The walk too forever, or felt like it anyways, and we got there, and we finally organized everyone, (rehearsals are good ideas), and then it was time to head down the aisle. Eli abandoned Eli, and I waved her on, because I knew it was a lost cause. Ashton went up with our flower girl, and then it was my turn, with my daddy, and yay, my daddy walked me down the aisle. That was all I cared about. Then I looked at Ray, and I forgot everything and everyone else, I could only feel my dad's arm holding on to mine. Ray looked so amazing, and the way he was looking at me, was a moment I will never forget. I managed to get up the stairs without having a "Jennifer Lawrence at the oscars" moment, my brother completely flubbed up on the music (If you give bad directions, you will not get satisfactory results), I started laughing, and then our wedding officiant started the ceremony, something or another, blah blah blah, ooh, I'm marrying Ray, ok, it's time to exchange rings, do not fall off the stage Flaherty, ok, you're good, ok, get the ring on his finger, ok, now let's get the ring on my finger, ok, time for vows, what are those rustling leaves, that can only be Eli, I think Ray just repeated himself, oh well, no one will notice anyhow, ok, my turn, blah blah blah, repeat, blah blah blah, repeat, blah blah blah, re....wait, what did you say, OMG, I just forgot what this guy said to me 5 seconds ago, I am an idiot!, let's hurry this up I'm done, can I kiss him, can I kiss him, just say it!, YAY!!! All done. I can't tell you what he specifically said, except the usual stuff, I have no clue of much else, besides the fact that our family and friends were there, Eli tried to go swimming, but did not succeed, and Ray and I got married! Finally! Yay!

We took some pictures, they are really hilarious to me, then we went to the reception, with the top priority to change my shoes. Then, I was busy trying to talk to everyone, and thank everyone for coming and find out how everyone was doing, I ate, but I didn't even taste the food, I was mostly eating, because everyone was telling me to. Then, the next thing I knew it was time to cut the cake, so much fun cutting the cake, and having cake shoved in my face, then shoving cake in Ray's face. We didn't get as messy as everyone wanted us to, but Eli more than made up for that. He's a cake kid. Then, it was over. It was simple and uncomplicated, and that was ok by me. I said good bye to everyone, we packed up the cars, thanked everyone who helped, and then headed home to get ready for the after party.

The after party was at Dave and Ashton's house, my parents and brother even came along, everybody toasted us, we got fancy engraved champagne flutes, which were super awesome, then we hung out, playing beer pong, talking, laughing and generally having a good time. We went home late, and went to sleep. Ya know. ::wink wink nudge nudge::

Ray and I woke up the next day, we drove up to Williamsburg, went shopping, listened to a stupid time share presentation, which we got 75 bucks for, then went to the hotel. It was amazing. It had a fireplace! The kitchen was amazing! The bed was huge, we had a freaking hot tub bathtub in our room. Ray and I spent some time to ourselves, and then went out and drove around for a while, then we went out to eat. We were eating and Ray was looking kind of sad, I asked him what was wrong, and he said "I miss Eli." I said it was ok, we would make it. We woke up the next day, and it was raining its butt off. Colonial Williamsburg was out. Ray and I hung out for a little while and slept and stuff. It was nice though. We enjoyed the time we had to ourselves. We then went home, saw the Eli and had family time.

Overall, it was wonderful.  We couldn't have asked for anything better. It was everything I expected and more. It made me appreciate everything about my life. Don't get me wrong, our life is still not perfect, by a long shot. But, the life Ray and I are putting together is pretty awesome.

How to Have a wedding for $2000...

I have no clue...I mean like none. But, I'm trying over here!

Ray and I have been engaged since Christmas 2010. I've spent two years trying to figure out how to plan the wedding of my dreams. I am no closer to having the Cinderella wedding now than I was two years ago. And, believe me, if, in the last two years, I could have figured out how to put aside enough money, I would be throwing about $10,000 at this one fancy joint that does everything for you, but find your clothes, and call it a day. Alas, it is 2013, that money is not there. So what is a girl to do? Well, I have two options...

(1) Attempt to win this wedding giveaway that they are having at the Norfolk Botanical Gardens, which is GORGEOUS, and includes everything, but the wedding bands (and a few other things), hope like hell we win, and have a large wedding, with all the fixings.

(2) Make a contingency plan, in case we don't win, that involves the simplest of simple plans. Simply put, let's plan this sh!t and get married. Woot!

It's not easy. If we don't win the giveaway, we're looking at a budget of about $2000, $3000. I can't even explain how incredibly small that budget is. Dresses cost $3000, food and drinks alone can equal that much, depending upon what you want to serve, how many people you invite. Arrrrrgh.

Ok, so, fast forward 3 months...I'm getting married this Saturday. Hard to believe, considering when you see what I was writing above, sounds like a girl who was more likely to sit on her ass and eat cookies than she was to plan a wedding, managed to plan a wedding in 3 months time. 3 months. I'm so excited. And, nervous. And, sadly, I'm not one of those girls who gets nervous and then can't eat. Nope, I'm an emotional eater. I devour my feelings. But, I'm watching myself this week especially. I'm 5 days away from finally getting married. It's been rough sometimes, and there were a few points when I wasn't entirely sure we were going to pull it off, and a couple points when I thought we were going to elope, but we've made it. Dress is picked, Ray is wearing a tux, Eli has a cute suit, I've even got an actual photographer! Is it the wedding of my dreams? No. But, it's better than a dream. It's a reality. It's imperfect, and messy, and involves a lot of do it yourself crap. That's ok. I'm more hands on anyhow. I'm kind of a control freak. I act like I'm not, but for something like this, I pretty much want full control over decorations, the cake, my dress, how we're going to pull things off. I know. I sound crazy. I am, a little bit anyways. I'm less than 24 hours from being off for a week and a half. I'm less than 4 days away from being married. In some ways, it feels like getting married is going to be accomplishing something an adult is supposed to do. Sounds dumb, right? I know! But, it's how I feel.

Just gotta get through the next few days! I'm really excited! I swear!

The Darkness of the Abyss...

Abyss - A deep immeasurable space, gulf or cavity; vast chasm

I think the whole point of this blog has always been for me to figure out my brain. It has always felt like an abyss to me. This thing that is deep and seems to go on forever, that has 30 million things going on inside it. When I make the time for it, I write in this blog to get my feelings out. Because I want to believe that the things I'm going through in my life, someone has either gone through, is going through, or at least is willing to attempt to understand what it's like to go through what I'm going through. I know this is not a blog that will make me any money, it won't be anything that will suddenly become popular and be talked about on a major morning show or something like that. At the end of the day, this blog is for, well, me. 

There's a lot going on in my life lately. A lot more than I was prepared to deal with. I figured I had a lot to deal with being a mom, a fiance, working, trying to find time to clean my house, hang out with my family and friends, put time into photography, trying to plan a wedding and find time to take care of myself. Shouldn't that be enough for any one person? I thought so. 

My dad has lung cancer. Saying it makes it real. It makes it hurt my heart. It is completely devastating news, and has not been handled well by any member of my family. Which is to be expected. It's not as bad as it could be. They caught it in the early stages and they are saying that with any amount of luck and treatment, they could give my dad an additional 15-20 years to live. That's good. That means he might get to see another grandkid, he may get to watch Eli graduate from high school. It means I get to keep my daddy. He's one of my important persons. But, this is still going to be hard, the treatment is going to be rough, there's no guarantee that his body will even be able to deal with it, so we are obviously still in the early stages of this and will have to figure out what's going to be done and what he'll decide to do. It's his life and every decision he makes now, he has to decide if it's going to be worth it. I mean, surgery guarantees that they'll get the cancer, but could leave him with 15% usage of his lungs, which means he'll have to be on oxygen for the rest of his life, which he does not want. Again, it's early, and he has more options than most for treatment, so it's a lot of browsing and deciding. He's better off than his sister...

His sister, my Aunt Pat, has cancer also. Her's has spread. Even with radiation, they are only giving her a year to live. Her only option is radiation and chemo and to go home and live out the rest of her life as best as she can. My dad's family is an optimistic one, so even in the face of those odds, my aunt is still ok with it all. She has 6 daughters, 14 grandkids and 6 great grandkids. She's traveled, enjoyed a wonderful life with her husband (who died about 15 years ago), spends time with her sisters, brother and daughters when she can, and makes the dirtiest jokes on the face of the earth. She is a literal laugh riot. I feel terrible that I have not been back to Pittsburgh since I've had Eli, so that she can meet him, so as long as all goes well with Dad, I'm hoping to make the trip sometime in the next few months or so. Hopefully. 

Anyways, all this turmoil is just making for insanity. My mom seems to be literally losing her mind, and her frustration with the cancer is turning into frustration towards me, because it's easier to take it out on me than on anyone else. I deal with it as best as I can, and then proceed to lose my own mind and freak out on her as to why she has to pick this time to yell at me. It's a nightmare, literally, my worse nightmare come true. I don't have the heart to take all this. I can't deal fighting with people as it is, so to have my mom get riled up just makes me an emotional wreck. Ray deals with all the fallout from this, loses his temper and threatens to tell everyone to go to hell. Anybody who makes me cry, immediately ends up on Ray's bad side. He doesn't seem to understand that I cry at the drop of a hat anyhow. It's fine. We argue, then we make up and everything is fine again, until my mom loses her mind again. Ray will probably be mad at her for a few weeks, and then he'll get over it too. 

Ray's cousin decided to pick this time to lose his job and need a place to stay. He has a little one year old, and I took pity on him, and agreed to allow him, his baby mama and their kid to live in our house for a couple weeks. (Until the first of August.) After his inability to be reliable and to understand that if he lives in my house and just plays video games, he shall be babysitting my kid, since my parents can't and we need help, he's getting out this week.  He was supposed to show up yesterday to babysit, I finally text messaged him and asked if he was coming, he said no, I threw my hands up in the air, called my friend Ashton, got lucky and she wasn't working, so she agreed to watch Eli. Called Ray and told him what was up, he lost his mind and said he was telling him to get out. Fine. Honestly, with everything else going on with my family, I can't deal with people who I can't rely on, when they agree to be reliable. Apparently, we aren't any "fun". I didn't know it was in my job description to be "fun". I thought I was supposed to be a human being with emotions and problems, and good and bad. I also have pimples and am about 100,000 pounds overweight. Yes, this comes from a selfish place, but I have ENOUGH crap to deal with, without dealing with his crap. He can find somewhere else to live. 

Anyways, the WHOOOOLE point of all of this, is that I have spend YEARS exploring the deep dark abyss of my brain, and I still am completely lost. How is one person supposed to deal with all of this. Why, after all the years of crap I've been through, am I still completely lost on how to handle all this. You would figure, since I've dealt with some variation of these problems with my family's health, my mom's mental problems and my amazing ability to get myself in trouble without even trying, that I would know how to handle this. But, I don't. I guess I need to keep exploring the abyss. The answer has to be in there somewhere. (I may also need Xanax. That would be killer.)

Andrew Largeman - Good Luck exploring the infinite abyss.

Albert - Thank you! And, hey, you too! - Garden State

Hmmm...oh, hey there...

Yes, I slack on blog posts. Regularly. I have a life outside of my computer, and a serious lack of motivation for wanting to devel into my thoughts more than necessary, however, because of what is going on lately, I feel like I should. Writing down where I am now, and looking back on it, seems to help motivate me to improve my life and know what needs improving and what is ok.

I find that most times, when it seems like my life is going ok, that's usually when things are about to go bananas. I also always go back to my self-improvement project I was working on a few years ago, while I was preggers, because that seems to help remind me of what I want to do. I think. My knowledge of what I want to do with myself seems to change from year to year, so, I try to roll with it. Whatever.

The point, is that when I look back at where I was four years ago, compared to now, things are much better. But, they could still be better than what they are now. I have my own place, but am completely broke on a regular basis. Add to that, the fact that my legit job that I've held for the last year just announced job cuts and hour cuts, does not bode well for the gal that just got a legit place. So, I'm back to job hunting, but at least I have a current job with decent hours, pay and benefits, which makes life much easier. However, my standard of living is higher now, so I expect to find a job with at least the same pay and close to the same benefits. I am having a debate about whether I can actually afford the benefits or not, but I can change my mind on them until October of this year, hopefully I will have another job by then and not have to worry about it.

I've noticed something about myself. It's always outside circumstances that push me towards doing one thing or another. Don't get me wrong, there are certain things in life that I'm always striving towards, like being a better photographer, or a better cook. But, once I got this job that I have now, I got comfy. Then, things got shaken up, and now I gotta figure out a new plan. Again. I guess life is like this for everyone.

Anyways, I've got other things going on, stuff I'm not going to talk about right now, because I don't want to be all melodramtic and crap. However, this stuff is the kind of stuff that shakes me to the core. And, I was filling my friend Ashton in on it, and discussing how all this stuff happening makes me realize how much I just want to go ahead and get married. Screw the photobooth, fancy food, sweet dj, designer dress, fancy decorations, etc. Ray and I just need to figure out how to get married. Ashton did her wedding for $1500 total. I'm completely overwhelmed and don't know where to start. Ashton stepped in said she would help me! Yay! We're going to get together over the next few months with all the rest of the people who would help, like moms, dads, sibs, friends etc and figure out how everybody could help, so that Ray and I can get married by April of next year. My goal when I was house hunting was to have a yard large enough to have a backyard wedding in, however, that did not work out, at all. So, Ashton and her hubby Dave offered up there house to use for a wedding. It will obviously be small, but, with any luck, and epic good time. I go for epic good times. So, I'll try to keep on top of everything, not slack, and hopefully get this wedding planned by next year.

I got this. I can do this. 

I'm old and itchy...

The itchy part I'll get to in a minute.

I'm going to harp on the old part of my life. You're going to have to get over it. I'm turning 30. I don't complain about too much, but you will have to listen to this. I'm getting old and I know it. Eating a cookie makes me put on 10 lbs. I want to be in bed before 10pm. I creak. If I don't move for long periods of time, my body actually hurts from it. My eyes are getting weaker. My hearing is not too great. Sometimes, when I laugh, I pee. Not a lot, just a little, but enough to remind me I'm getting ooooooooold. Oh, and forget my mind. I have to write down everything that I want to make sure I accomplish, otherwise, I will forget and not do it. (Literally, one of the things I have to do this week is figure out what day mine and Erica's tickets are for The Hunger Games. I have to write this down, otherwise, we will either miss it or show up to early.) I care about my rug in my house staying clean. Teenagers piss me off. I'm ooooooold!!!

It's fine. Really, it's a part of life and in spite of the fact that I'm getting old, I'm really happy with this stage of my life. I'm officially on my own with Ray and Eli. I have my own house that I may operate any way I please. (It's usually chaotic and wild and loud, but if it wasn't any of those things, it wouldn't be me.) I still wish some things were different, maybe that me and Ray weren't parents yet, because it feels awkward sometimes, when it seems like nobody else has kids. But, I am older than most of my friends, so I don't feel but so bad. Plus, Eli wouldn't be here, and that kid, he's my heart. Even when he's driving me crazy with his wild temper tantrums and ridiculous amount of energy and I'm almost dropping him off my shoulders because I'm desperate just to get him to calm down for 5 minutes so that I can have an adult conversation. (Plus, he's not old enough for me to let walk off while I watch him out of the corner of my eye, even though some people act that way. With my luck, he will figure out how to operate the lawn mower he's climbed onto, or he will grab the half open beer, or end up with the screwdriver up his nose. I KNOW my kid.)

Anyways, in spite of what I am talking about, there are things that I'm not talking about. I've developed the itchies. That's the only way to describe it. I can pinpoint the moment it started because I was terrified it was something else entirely. I had a delicious lunch of fried clams and shrimp. I love shrimp. Oh mylanta, love love love. I'm always terrified that I will develop an allergic reaction to it and never be able to eat it again, so I'm a bit paranoid about it. So, I had delicious lunch and then proceeded to move on with my day. I noticed I was a bit itchy, but just chalked it up to randomness and moved on with my day. 24 hrs later, I am laying in bed, dying, because I'm itching everywhere, my feet, my head, my face, my lady parts. I'm going insane, finally I can't take it anymore and march out to my mom who takes me to the hospital to get me checked out. 2 hours later, the doctor looks at me like i'm wacked out, gives me pregnezone and sends me home. I'm still itchy, but less miserable and move on with my life. But, i'm still itchy. It has disipated a ton since I moved out of my parents place and sort of have our finances figured out. But, I still get itchy. Mostly at work. My general doctor says it's not seafood, so it's a mind thing. Great. I'm really crazy. I don't know what exactly brings it on, because on occasion, it does happen when I'm not at work. But, mostly now at work. So, hopefully the college will call me soon, tell me I'm perfect and hire me. Then, hopefully the itchies will go away. The itchies are stupid.

Yep. I'm old.

Boo for being right...

I'm talking to those people who insist that "when you least expect it, everything will fall into place." Fine. You're right. That doesn't mean I like you, that just means that I'm willing to admit that you're right once in a while.

So, finally, after 6 yrs, 13 million threats, a baby, the engagement, 4 job changes for me, 3 job changes for Ray, getting the car fixed and other assorted hiccups, disasters and general mayhem, we officially have a house. We're moving!! Finally!! And, I'm doing it before I officially turn 30, so that means that I won't be the freak girl who still lives with her parents. Not that I wasn't before, it just won't be so bad now.

The house is cute! It's small. A foreclosure that the real estate guy bought and renovated and decided to rent out. Fine, whatever. It's ours! We have a washer and dryer, so no laundromat adventures w/ Eli, which sounded like a horendous idea. We have a dishwasher. I hate dishes more than cleaning the toilet. That's bad. The dishwasher is my friend. We took my very large tax return and bought us a whole bunch of new house crap. And, I'm really serious this time. We signed the lease last Sunday and we started moving in today. Like, our couch(es), our kitchen stuff and other assorted crap is over there. All we have left to move is basic crap, like the bed and Eli's room and other assorted nonsense and then there's organizing everything which I'm going to start working on Wednesday.

So, like there's all the house stuff, and at the same time, we find out Ray just got a major promotion and pay raise at work. And, then, I got a job interview with college!!!! Aaaaah!!! Now, it's just a phone interview, so obviously, the process is still long and crazy and I may not even get an in person interview, but I got a call back, so that is really cool. I'm actually on a good streak right now...maybe I should play the lottery.

I promise I'll put pictures up as soon as I have them of the new place! So exciting! I'm a grown up! :)

I am, in fact, Old....

Hey there, hi there, ho there! (Hehe.) Yes, I know. I disappeared off the face of the earth, without a word, for a year or so. Don't be hurt, it's not that I don't love the two of you who do read this blog. I've just been legitimately busy. Seriously. You want an update? Ok!

-First...I continues down the path of trying to be a good mom to the wildly enthusiastic, high energy monkey, known as Eli

Eli devouring his first chocolate cake on his first birthday...yes, he is mine.

-I got a legit job!! Holy crap!!! I left McDonald's (after I thought that was never going to happen), and am now working for...well, I can't tell you specifically. But, I will tell you it is for a large retail company that sells their wares on TV. And, there's only three letters in their name. Ok, that's all I can tell. Well, that and I now have legit health insurance. And, vacation time. It's nice. I'm not going to say ideal, because the people I deal with are NUTS! Not your garden variety either. But, I will continue to work towards furthering my career aspirations.

-I photographed my first official wedding!

My favorite photograph from the Anderson-Wall Wedding!

It was really fun! And, terrifying. But, definitely fun. I won't be doing any weddings for a while though, because I am just way to busy with my job and just don't have the time I need to devote to doing weddings. But, I'm still working on projects for my friends. And of course, taking 3 million pics of Eli, because I have to document every moment of Eli.

Case in point, because this kid, is cute!

That's the highlights. I mean, there's the usual nonsense, going to the beach, hanging out with friends, going to concerts, just having fun. Oh, and the whole planning a wedding thing. Ray and I finally decided on a date...April 20, 2013. So, we have a little bit over a year to start getting stuff together. I'm aiming for low key...like really low key. Like, having coolers full of beer, getting married in the backyard, hanging out with friends low key. Reality check: I choose a life over a perfect wedding. Don't get me wrong, I WANT a fancy wedding with all the fixings, including a photo booth. But, I have a life to live and what I really want, more than anything...is a new place.

We're almost there, finally. I graduated from college in 2006. That means it's taken me 6 years just to finally move out of my parents house. But, we are all set. Well, almost. There's actually getting the money and then putting down the security deposit/1st month's rent, etc. So, we're looking at the end of February/beginning of March. That's cool. That means I will be out of my parent's home before I'm 30. No, seriously.

This leads back to my whole point, that, I'm getting old. Now, please understand that for me, age has always been just a number. I don't have many wrinkles. My grey hairs are disguiseable. And, I still have most of my mind. However, my body has deeply betrayed me, to the point where I know I have to start working out, because I can't take it anymore. Plus, I want to be smaller for the wedding. But, mostly, I want to be in shape. My mom was a nano-second away from throwing away my brother's bike. I stopped her and said I would take it. I almost died, because I'm special and I tried to peddle around the neighborhood on a bike that was set on the highest gear possible, which made me work three times as hard and wore me out three times as fast because I'm sedentary at my new job. (No bueno.) But, once I dropped the gears down to normal person speed, I did good and now make it around the neighborhood 5 or 6 times before I go inside to drink water. Plus, I did something crazy and signed up for dun dun dun the Tour for the Cure. Its a road bike race that raises money for the American Diabetes Association. I'm a red rider, because I found out I'm pre-diabetic, so I get a really nifty red shirt that they get in the Tour De France...only red instead of multi-colored. I'm really excited, though I know that I may die. I'm only going to bike 10 miles this year, because trying to bike 100 miles in my first year is ridiculous and I would've had to start training a year ago to actually do that and I only have 3 months to train, so its better that way.

There's more, tons more. But, I'll continue to fill you in later.

I'm a slacker...

(Originally started in March. Prime example of slackerdom...)

I admit it. Don't hold it against me, I love all 3 of you who read my blog...seriously! But honestly, I've been well, busy. And grumpy, which really doesn't bode well for strong blog entries about adventures in motherhood or adventures in life. It mostly just bodes for whiny complaints about the weather and how unfair life is. I'd rather write about the mostly good, with a lil bit of bad in it.

I still haven't found a legit job yet. Its frustrating. I've been out of work since January. I'm not a fan of being out of work. Without the job, I am much less likely to accomplish things anywhere else apparently. So, i've gotten a bit messy. And put some weight back on.

(real time update 5/19/11)

I still haven't found a legit job yet. I've gone back to my crappy ass, lame ass former job b.c. (before child). Yes, I've gone back because of my finances. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm shallow about money. I like money. I like having money. I like being able to pay my bills. And buy my kid clothes. And buy some a.c. (after child) clothes for myself, because I need them. Oh, and food. Food is good.

I don't know what frustrates me more some days...the fact that the economy has sucked just about as long as I've been writing this blog, or the fact that the super awesome skills I have, can't seem to translate to a job that is worth, well, me. Yes, I think I am above fast food. I went to college. I have no business in fast food. If you want the honest truth, if it wasn't for the fact that the store manager is my mother in law, I probably wouldn't have the job at all and would either be working at the radio station making pennies or would be completely jobless. None of this, makes me feel any better about my situation.

I have put weight back on. According to a friend's scale, less than I thought, but more than what I'm happy with. This ticked me off so bad, that I'm forcing myself to focus on what I did so differently a year and a half ago, that not only allowed me to drop 20 pounds before I got pregnant with Eli, but also allowed me to not put on an extreme amount of weight while I was pregnant. I know a lot of it had to do with the fact that I developed Gestational Diabetes, which made me much more observant about what I was putting in my body, because the best way to control diabetes in general, is diet and exercise. So, I was really good about watching what I ate. But, now, there's no baby inside of me to make me feel better if I eat fruit and veggies, rather than 15 cupcakes. (Not that I've ever ate that much in one sitting...i'm just saying!) My motivation, most of the time, is helping others, which is fine, until I forget to help myself. Plus, if I expect Eli to continue to eat well, like he is now, I need to do the same.

I'm a slacker in other departments too. I have about 3 weeks worth of pictures on my Nikon that I need to upload, edit and send out to people/print. I'm slacking financially. I'm a slacker. I need someone, who is an adult, to kick my ass into shape. Or, you know, just take responsibility for myself and kick my own ass into shape. Although...

I'm not a complete slacker. Eli is well taken care of. (Check mark, Ray and I.) I just conned/convinced my mommy friend Ashton to do a 2 mile walk with me, which is going to raise money for CHKD (Children's Hospital of the King's Daughters), which will benefit our kids and our waistlines! So, that will be good training for the Susan G. Komen Foundation walk I want to do in October. And, today I drank a ton of water. (It was hot. Dehydration is bad.) Ooh, and ate a mango. (So worth the work!) And, came up with a good idea for what to bring to a Memorial Day cookout. (Grilled Shrimp Salad, yuuuuuum!) Ok, i'm going to pat myself on the back, kinda.

I'm not a total slacker. I just need to work on prioritizing. At least I know what my problem is! (Now, to solve it. Drat!)

Oh, fine...

So, maybe I have more than just the goal of being happy for 2011...sue me, I'm very adamant about improving my life, in small, yet accomplishable ways. Judge away. Its fine. I'll never judge YOU! (Seriously, I won't.)

Anyways, I'm intent on doing a few things this year.

1. Finding a legit career/job...Seriously.

I'm not fooling around with this crap anymore. I'm tired of working crappy retail/food service jobs because "I need the money". I can't stay at the radio station anymore, because they have made it ABUNDANTLY clear that where I'm at is where they are leaving me, even if I stand on my head. So, I just have to figure out what I would be satisfied with doing for the next 2-5 years, while I figure out my next educational move and Eli is still tiny. For the time being, I'm working on getting some kind of administrative/office job. Yes, I know everyone in the world finds them boring. I don't. I actually find that kind of job RELATIVELY unstressful, so it only makes sense to work in the field, make decent money and be able to provide for my child.

2. Treat my body like the temple its meant to be...

I'm bound and determined to walk the Susan G. Komen Foundation walk in October. And, yes the only times I run are when I'm running away from something coming after me, so no, you are not ever going to see me run a marathon, well, ever. I'll bike for a cure. I'll walk for a cure. I might even consider crawling for a cure. Plus, I'm continuing the groundbreaking changes I make in 2010 of improving my eating habits (as I sit here nibbling on an apple and a clementine.) I like the fact that I lost weight last year, and would like to be able to continue to lose weight and get fit and be able to play with my kid as he grows. It would be cool to not be exhausted. I'm only 28 after all...

3. Re-ignite my relationship...with photography...

I for the life of me cannot explain to myself why I walked away from my passion of photography a few years ago. Except that outside factors frustrated me so bad, that I stupidly put down my camera, like a fool. I love photography. Have for a very long time. Of course, this is also the year, that I'm purchasing my super cool, nifty neato camera that I've had my eye on for the last 2 1/2 months. After that, I may go ahead and start working on my side job of being a freelance photographer. But, the year will mostly be spent getting cuddly with the camera and taking random jobs from friends and getting a portfolio together. You know, and taking 3 billion pictures of Eli, naturally.

4. Learning how to be a super awesome mom...

Being a mom is a 24 hour a day job. Anyone who has told you otherwise, has not gotten up with a 3 month old who DOESN'T understand the concept that you are supposed to sleep when its dark. He's so cute though, so I don't hold it against him. But, seriously, I am looking forward to reading my books, learning about being a mom and trying to find the instruction manual for Eli...I know he's just hiding it from me. He thinks he's so funny.

5. Plan a wedding...

Ohmygah, I'm gonna die before its all over with, but yes, I'm attempting to plan my wedding. Planning the wedding is more stressful than the event or even the marriage in my opinion. I'm looking forward to the day itself, but I will be glad when we nail down a lot of these "silly" details and have the money for them too. It'll be good. I already have a lot of ideas and I'm getting my wedding planning book and a magazine or two. After I have my job nailed down, or at the very least by next month, I'm making an appointment to go try on dresses and see if what I see on the Internet is actually what I want to wear or if I'm just gonna go for a white or beige sheet and wrap myself 15000 times in ribbon with white flip flops. (Though I haven't completely thrown out the idea of wearing rhinestone encrusted flip flops yet...which my mother will roll her eyes out once she finds out about...) No tiaras. Lots of lilies (real and fake). Eli and his cousin Julie as ring bearer and flower girl. Oh, and designing my own centerpieces and invitations. ::claps excitedly::

Oh, 2011, I'm so happy you are here...here's to hoping everyone else's will be just as much fun. :)

Taking Stock of 2010...

Oh, lets face it...you always set out for bigger and better...so when it actually kind of happens, its hard to know what to do with it sometimes. You don't always accomplish everything you expect or hope to, but instead, I choose to focus on what did happen this year...

-I had a baby...

My adorable and sweet little Eli...

(Feel free to awwwwwwwwwwwww your head off...If you don't, there's something wrong with you, I don't care how biased I am...)

-In spite of having child, still lost 20 pounds...give or take...

This is just a prediction, but i'm pretty positive I did anyways...I know my double chin disappeared and my face is not as round. I take this as a positive step forward...:) And since I won't be going through pregnancy this year, i'm gonna shoot for an additional 25 pounds off the body...or at least better muscle mass...and continued better eating...

-I have more than 5 dollars in the bank!

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssss!

-I have less stuff...

This is a good thing....less clutter = more time to think about other things...like my kid...

And best of all...

I'M ENGAGED!!!

Ummm, omg, I have something super sparkly on my finger...that's just crazy! :)

Goal for 2011...Happiness...unadulturated, ridiculous amounts of happiness...Yup, I like that plan...

Working Mom Vs. Stay At Home Mom

That right there, is like one of the ultimate wars NEVER talked about. Pretty much everybody sits on one side of the fence or the other...I, of course, being a moderate, fall in the middle of the argument.

I want so badly to have been home with Eli for the last 6 weeks. Going back to work when he was 6 weeks old, was one of the hardest decisions of my life. You never know or realize how hard the decision is going to be until you make it. I never cried so much before in my life. (And, I had already cried hard through the first 3 weeks of breastfeeding.) It was so heartbreaking for me to go through, because all I wanted to do was sit at home with Eli, play with him, feed him, make faces at him, and work on personal things for myself. However, when its a matter of playing with him vs. him having diapers, I choose my kid having diapers. After the last six weeks of working, I can't say its any easier, its only more tolerable. Some things have changed at the job, and as of this week, I get three days off a week, which i'm thrilled about, because it equals more Eli time! (Yay!) But, I there are some realities I've come to terms with in six weeks.

-Working at home will not be a real option for a long while, at least not without a babysitter.

Let's face reality, when you are home, your child wants to be with YOU. They don't want to be home with you, while you shush them 90 bajillion times because you are trying to answer phones, read e-mails, and do other job-related things. Sooo, in reality, my genius plan of being a stay at home working mom, doesn't really compute in my head. Some things I am able to accomplish from home, so I debate about doing those things part-time, but I have to see how those work out, before I reveal more. No need to get overly excited...

- However, not working at all, is not an option, at least not in my case. And, in a shocker, it have nothing to do with finances, and much more to do with the long haul. If I take an extended period of time off, I might as well start from scratch with my education when Eli hits kindergarten. So, in order to avoid having to go through school, or having to work at crappy jobs to make a living, i'm going to try to get to the point where financially, we may be able to afford for me to only have to work part-time, so that I can be home with Eli a lot for a few years, but I don't lose out on good opportunities to further a career. I dunno, its all a work in progress.

Look, i'm not knocking one or the other in terms of what a mom chooses to do when it comes to life with a child. Life with a kid is not easy. A kid sucks up your life. It changes your life completely. Its much easier to stay kidless if you do not want to have to work your schedule around something that relies on you for the first four years of his or her life and then can suddenly turn on you for the next 13 - 15 years afterwards. The reality, is that you can't have your kid be the center of your life, because what the hell do you do, when they don't need you anymore. And, that point comes, eventually. We all have to suck it up and grow up. You teach your kids a lot about life. They teach you a lot more about life. A lot more than you expect and could ever ask for.

Being a mom is amazing. I love every second of it, and I look forward to all the joys and heartaches that are headed my way, because each one of them is going to make my kid and myself better people. Its why its hard working outside the home 40 hours a week. I miss being able to see life from his perspective a lot. But, you get breathing room working outside the home. You learn how to not be attached to the hip. Its still hard. There are still days i'm not sure i've made the right decision. But, 2/3rds of motherhood is leaping. Its hoping like hell, that you are doing the right thing, for your kid's sake and your own.

The Self - Improvement Quest - Post-Partum Update

Ok, not gonna lie, I really didn't think I was going to be writing this soon about self-improvement. I pretty much figured that I was going to be writing at the end of the year, about how there's always next year. I'm shocked to discover that I'm not! Yay!

K, here we go...

-Career Development

This out of everything has to be the exciting improvement! I got another job!! Yay! A job I like!! Yay! A job that only lasts until the end of January!! Uhh, awwwwwww. Oh well. Its another job. A job I like or at the very least, can tolerate. It makes me decent money. It gets me away from the ugly trend I've had over the last 2 1/2 to 3 years of taking crappy ass jobs because I needed the money and didn't really have a choice, because the economy sucked and everybody was competing for the jobs I wanted the most. Of course, I'm a mom now, and its amazing how much your priorities change in 9 months. I was devastated, heartbroken, over the loss of my radio career, and at a loss as to what I was going to do about it, because if I wasn't in radio, then who was I? Like, seriously, that was my attitude about it. I still think things happen for a reason, even if it takes a while for those things to happen. Maybe I was too into the whole working thing. I mean, I have to work, money is important if you want to do things, like take care of your child. It just doesn't have to be my whole life. More importantly, I don't want it to be my whole life. Like I was telling E (the runner) yesterday, I would like a job that pays decent, has decent benefits, and allows me the luxury of taking a week of paid vacation once in a while. While this job only lasts until January, there is the potential that I could turn this around in my favor and turn it into a permanent job. I did it with radio, not to mention several other jobs. The key is to get my foot in the door. My foot's in, now I've just got 4 months to prove myself.

-Financial Stability

This is the area that has improved the least since I wrote my mid-year update. Financially, we are technically barely keeping our heads above water, which sucks. Our saving grace was the simply fact that Ray makes good money and that I scrimped and saved before I went on maternity leave so that we would have gift cards and cash to fall back on when we really needed it. But, it still hurts to be out of work for 6 weeks or so, and then have Ray's paycheck take a beating because of the stupid weather (torrential rain = no work in Ray's world), so that hurt a lot. But, our kid has had food, diapers and wipes, which is like the big three of things they require most in baby world. It hasn't been easy, but I think by the end of the year, we'll back on a more even keel, especially since i'm making more money then what I was making before I went on maternity leave.

-Health and Wellness

This one is another shocker for me. Five weeks after birth and I'm back down to my pre-pregnancy weight! HOLY CRAP!! No seriously, you have no idea how excited I am about this. Couple this with the fact that my pre-pregnancy weight is the lowest I've weighed since I've graduated from college, and I'm setting a good trend for my future endeavor of losing some serious weight over the next year or so. I'm doing really well with my eating habits, continuing my trend of eating well-rounded, colorful meals and drinking LOTS of water, and very little other things, though my caffeine intake has increased some, since well, I don't sleep much. That's my only problem to an extent right now, but its not really my fault or my kid's. Its just how things roll. As he gets older, i'll get to sleep more.

Exercise is of course lacking, since I went through vaginal labor and i'm not allowed to do anything strenuous without official clearance. Its fine, I go back to the doctor on the 22nd, when I should get clearance to exercise and go back to my yoga and start my year long goal of training to walk/run the Susan G. Komen Foundation 5k. I'm trying to be positive, and i'm not guaranteeing the 5k will happen, but we'll see what happens.

Stress-wise, things have improved ENORMOUSLY since giving birth. Its not perfect, but i'm more back to my normal stress level, which is pretty cool. I feel better about life in general, and things feel accomplish-able, which I haven't felt about life in a really long time. We'll see how things go once i'm back on birth control. The one i'm going on has the potential to make me a little bit loopy, but i'm crossing my fingers it will be temporary.

-Education

That whole goal has been completely turned upside down on its head. This is because my career goals have changed and all that good crap. I still want to go to Barnes and Noble and get a Ms. Fix it book I was told about that hooks you up with how to fix things around your home. I'm officially ready to research taking a cooking class to really learn how to cook "outside the box". My friend A, who's practically Suzy Homemaker, gets creative with her cooking, so my goal is to aspire to be her to an extent. Bacon-wrapped Asparagus is pretty frigging sweet, so i'm looking for a class that will allow me to expand my mind enough to make things besides Hamburger Helper and things of that nature. Oh, and the one other thing, a parenting class of some kind, I think mostly as a way to meet other mommies and also to prove to myself that i'm not completely screwing up my kid.

-Minimalization/Organization

Uuugh, this more than anything has crashed and burned like you wouldn't believe. Of course, you try having this tiny person that some days refuses to be with anyone else, but YOU! Its getting better though, but i'm not nearly as organized as I could be. Minimalization is easier, of course, because I get rid of lots of stuff everyday and as Eli grows out of stuff, i have a tendency to put it away for future use for others. I'm hoping by the end of the year I'll be back into the swing of things being able to organize my stuff and my life and packing things away and getting ready to move somewhere next year.

-Future plans

I haven't made many future plans over the last few years. I've never felt I've had the ability to, without paid vacation and making more than $8.00 an hour. Having had those two things potentially change, makes me want to plan for the future. Finalizing our moving plans, marriage in another year or two maybe, planning a major trip for me, my son and my mom to go to England, so that he can experience culture like I did when I was little. Going to Disney World, making plans for holidays, having fun, learning, exposing my son to the joys and heartbreaks of life. I'm really excited about my future...more than I have been in a really long time.

Breastfeeding...

is for the birds...seriously.

I'm a wimp. Its fine, whatever. I survived 37 hours of labor, 28 of it sitting at home, breathing it out WITHOUT meds mind you. So, my boobs, my heart and my kid could not take more than 11 days of breastfeeding. The litmus test for boobie feeding seems to be 3 months. My cousin lasted 7 weeks. Had I tried to do it for a month I might have had to cut my boobs off.

The first night, it seemed really easy. Eli and I seemed to get into a rhythm of things, he was feeding, I was feeding him, we were both really happy. Day two went really well too, he ate, slept and pooped. I ate and slept.

Then, there was night two. When suddenly, Eli had a fit. Its fine, to an extent, except that hearing my child SCREAM cry is not something I can remotely handle at all. It kills me quite frankly. I can deal with him crying in general, and I can deal with some moaning and whining, but screaming? Nope, not happening, breaks my heart. So, when he did it that night, and I couldn't seem to calm him down to save mine or his life, I freaked out. I was exhausted. They took him from me to do some tests and I slept while he was gone. When he came back, he was sleepy and so was I, but the nurse insisted that I had to feed my kid, who was asleep. It was a rather painful feeding and Eli seemed to struggle through it. Something was off from the night before.

The next day, the day we were released from the hospital was even worse. First off, they circumsized him, poor little guy. When they came to get him for his circumsision, they took him in the middle of a feeding, so he only got to eat for 15 minutes and was STILL HUNGRY! After they did that, he was obviously upset, but instead of bringing him back or waiting until I was done feeding him to take him, so that maybe he would've handled it a bit better, they gave him sugar water! WHY ARE YOU GIVING MY KID SUGAR WATER WITHOUT MY PERMISSION??? By the time they brought him back to me, 3 hours later (because he had to have other tests done), he was passed out from the stress of it all, and didn't want to eat. 2 hours later, Eli finally wakes up and he's PISSED! He's upset, i'm trying to eat and feed him, he seems to be having trouble latching on, and on top of that, he keeps pulling away from me and SCREAMING! Ack! I'm starting to freak out, because at the rate we are going, we are never going to be able to leave, because I can't feed my poor kid. On top of everything else, breastfeeding is a bit of an art form, and if your kid doesn't latch on right, you are asking for problems, i.e. my nips cracking! Owwwwwwwwwww! Some how or another we got through it, and made it home. That night was exhausting, with lots of crying on both his and my part, but we sorta made it through it.

Here was what pushed me over the edge...

1. My kid crying relentlessly and fighting me constantly to get on and off the boob. First, he'd cry to get on, then pull off and cry some more. Who has time for that fight?

2. Eli developed the worst diaper rash in the world. I mean, his butt turned bright red and it started blistering. My son literally scooted away from me at a week and a half old to have me avoid touching his ass with a diaper wipe. Ummm, I'm not sure that's entirely okay with me.

3. We had a 4 day stretch of the following scenario. 5 to 7 hours of...eat, poop, sleep for 10-25 minutes, wake up, scream to eat, poop, sleep, eat, poop, sleep, eat, poop, sleep...Don't get me wrong, babies eat, poop and sleep. That's what they do. Its fine. But doing it without a relentless break for hours on end. I'm sorry, i'm not a strong enough woman to do that. And quite frankly, neither are my boobs or Eli's little butt.

I finally relented when Ray lost his mind and told me to end it, because he couldn't take coming home and finding me and Eli both crying. Fix the problem. We first tried regular formula. That ended lovely when me and Ray took him to his first doctor's appointment, fed him while we waited for the doctor and then first had Eli spit up all over daddy and not just a little bit, but quite a bit, and then while Ray was cleaning himself up, had Eli spit up all over me...down my shirt by the way. The doctor was a bit concerned and suggested we try another formula. Ray went and bought soy and two days later, Eli's diaper rash cleared up, we had no more 5 hour stretches of relentless eating and both me and Eli started eating and sleeping better.

I understand the wonderfulness of breastfeeding, don't get me wrong. Its healthier for mommy and baby, its cheaper (to an extent), and a whole host of other things you get told when they are first trying to convince you to breastfeed. However, at the end of the day, I can't help but feel like the best decision I ever made for me and my son, was to switch to the bottle.

I never thought...

I'd have a child. There. I said it.

Most women, when they think about their future, usually have a long term plan. It usually involves, at the very least, a career of some kind, a place of their own to live in, friends, and eventually, co-habitation with a significant other, maybe leading to marriage and eventually, if you like them enough, kids. These last two things I pretty much planned on never happening to me.

Dating never happened much for me in high school or college. Most people who knew me I think got pretty used to me being perpetually single. This was not a bad thing necessarily. I did a lot of things, I had a lot of fun. But, was I lonely when I looked at my attached friends and knew I was going home to an empty bed? You bet I was. Sometimes, I felt like the loneliest person around. For goodness sakes, I was 26 years old and a virgin, so how attractive could I really be to the opposite sex? After a long time, I did my best to not worry about it, because what was the point? If I was meant to walk through this life alone, that was what I was meant to do.

I became further convinced of this, when I found out I had Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. Along with giving me the WORST menstrual cycles of my life, and potentially leading to other problems such as diabetes and high blood pressure, I was also told it would be next to impossible for me to conceive and carry a child. I hid my emotions at the time, because I was in college, but I was devastated. I would never have a child. Never be able to experience pregnancy. It is, in my opinion the most heartbreaking news a woman can receive in her life, especially, if eventually, even for a moment, she contemplated having kids.

So, I moved forward. What any normal person does their best to achieve when they are dealt that kind of news. I focused on finishing school, finding a career and trying to improve my financial situation, so I could eventually move out of my parents house and live on my own. You know, attempt to be a grown up. It wasn't easy. I wasn't making much money in my choice of career, even though I experienced some of the most amazing moments of my life at my job. Without making a lot of money, I had a lot of trouble moving out on my own and worked towards finding a second part-time job to help with the lack of money. I still had fun though. I went out with friends, I traveled some, I had experiences and adventures. I was happy, or as happy as I could imagine myself being.

Then, enter Ray. (i.e. the boy) Some people claim things happen for a reason. The other half of the world claims it's bahooey. I think things happen for a reason. Had I moved out of my parents house, would Ray and I have ever met? Or re-met, considering we went to the same elementary school, rode the same bus and the same middle school too. I don't know. It really doesn't do any good to play that game. But, we met or re-met. And, we started talking. I wasn't sure how I felt. I liked him, but getting my hopes up was normally reserved for things like Buy One, Get One Free Cupcake days, not for things like love. I had became very insistent that I was going to be alone, for well, ever. Ray changed that for me. I know its bad to an extent, but he helped me to believe that I was beautiful, worth going after, and lovable. He was, and still is, my comfort, my calm when chaos is reigning supreme. I can go to him, and talk to him, or sometimes not even talk, just sit and just be with him and things will be better or will get better eventually. That was the deciding factor, the final push I needed to know that in spite of my own emotional misgivings, that I would find happiness with this person.

Don't get me wrong. Nothing is perfect, not even a relationship. Its good, its great even, its fun and exciting. Heartbreaking and unforgiving. You get in fights, say things you don't mean, sometime say things you do mean. You learn to live with a persons' good and bad parts. You know, all that crap. You go through the ups and downs, you have debates about changing things and improving your lives together. You find yourself making decisions together. You get happy when you feel things coming together.

And, then, you are thrown a loop, you'd never in a million years expect. Even weirder, when you make the discovery at your local Target bathroom, while your friend's two year old tries to peek under the door to find out what you are up to. A baby. Of course, I automatically think this is a joke, maybe a false positive (very rarely do those exist by the way). Instead, its a baby. Growing inside me. A person that Ray and I created together. I wouldn't have believed it, if I hadn't had it confirmed via ultrasound. I was still on birth control. (Because, obviously, YOU NEVER KNOW.) Again, things happening for a reason? I mean, a million in one shot almost. Yet, there I was, pregnant! HOLY CRAP!!

Pregnancy was really crazy. Overwhelming and stressful at some points. Hormonally deranged, terrifying, back and forth on what you want to do, how you handle things, how you REALLY feel about it. If your honest, you're excited, scared, shocked...there aren't enough words to describe the emotions. How could I not be overwhelmed? Then, the problems start. Gestational Diabetes, easy to manage once you know what you are doing. Then, concerns over his growth rate, which was smaller than expected. That made me cry. My little boy, smaller than what he should be. How could it be? I was trying to be so careful. I was trying so hard. How could this happen? Was he going to survive all this? Delivery, life outside the womb all together? Only one way to find out...

He was supposed to be arriving last Tuesday. He decided to start heading out last Sunday, and arrived last Monday, a week before his due date. 6 pounds, 11 oz. 20 inches long. A head full of hair just like me. He's little, so little, but he's strong. One hell of a temper. My little Elijah. Eli for short. Ray, me and Eli. A little group of 3. Ray loves him so much, he so proud to be a dad. I can't believe I'm a mom, especially to this little tiny bundle. I never thought I would have him, and I wasn't sure he was going to survive. But, he's here. And, I don't know how I've lived without him.

Reality Check...Part 2

REALITY: You will never be more terrified, excited or aflurry with as many emotions as you will be when you get ready to give birth to your child.

I'm crazy. I admit to it. I went to work, in spite of my better judgement, and was going along fine. Then came 5:45. And, an almost heart stopping braxton-hicks contraction. (I.E. False Labor) Oh, its fine, i'm cool. Almost an hour labor another heart stopping contraction. Come the third one in the 7:00 hour and it hits me...I am in the early stages of labor. Grrreeeeaaaaat!

Terrified. I'm going to completely mess up my child and destroy him some way or another. I don't know how, I just know I will. Oh sure, I've babysat. I worked in the kids camp at the YMCA. I took care of the boy's nephew all last year from 2 months on. But, i'm about to become a mom. Why in the world would God let ME become a mom?! I'm a walking disaster case. I'm selfish. I've only cared about my career before this point. My life will never be the same EVER AGAIN!

Excited. Oooh, he's finally almost here! Probably 24-36 hours at most! I finally will get to see my lil jellybean! I hope he's cute! I wonder if he'll have a lot of hair like me. Do I have everything? Did I take care of everything? I need my checklists! Do his laundry! Hell, maybe I should do my laundry! EEEEEEEEHHHHH!!!!

Anger. I need more time. Who the hell does this kid think he is? I'm not ready. The boy's not ready. WE are not ready for this! How dare he! (This emotion really only lasts about 5 seconds when you remind yourself its not your kids' fault he's coming into the world.)

Its all there. All these emotions. Spaz attack central. As of this point, we're estimating i've been in labor for just over 12 hours today. I'm still at home, obviously. They don't want me to go in until my contractions are 5 minutes apart for an hour. Right now, i'm at 23-25 minutes apart an hour. OMG! This is gonna take way too effing long. But, we are hitting the home stretch.

The Plight of Preggo...

So, as of today, i'm 38 weeks pregnant, making me REAAALY preggo at this point. I'm glad that this is almost over. Its exhausting. Like, more exhausting than you can imagine if you've never been through this before. There comes a certain point, where your done, then there comes the point when you are REALLY done, and you're ready for this to be over. Why?...

-You can't do things for yourself after a certain point...I know some people don't mind this, but for me, this is the most frustrating thing in the world. I HATE having to rely on other people to do basic things for me, like picking things up off the floor and such other nonsense. I'm ready to go back to being the capable normal lady who can do crap for herself.

-I have lost my mind, literally...Like, literally, lose track of what I was saying 5 minutes ago, can't remember what I was doing, lost car keys for a month, lost everything! I have spent more time the last month in a half driving past my neighborhood before realizing that I completely missed the turn, than ever before in my life. I want my mind back. Apparently though, preggo mind is just training for mommy brain, when you not only lose your mind, but your senses also. Just freaking perfect.

-I'm over the diabetes bullshit...Seriously, i'm over it. I'm over having to watch my intake of sugar and all that shit, and doing it right, but at the same time trying to make sure i'm getting enough carbs to give my son energy to do well enough and be awake enough for his NSTs. If i'm going to cut back on my sugar intake and exercise well too, i need this kid out!

-I WANT TO DRINK!!!...Sorry, hate breaking it to you, but I have never wanted a drink so bad before in my life! I mean, pregnancy is stressful, its a change of your life, COMPLETELY. And, that's just adjusting to the fact that you're carrying around a child and becoming a mommy, nevermind everything else that comes with it. Honestly, a drink is the least of what you want...its really more like a half bottle of vodka, with a splash of tomato juice. Its ridiculous, but fine, whatever, i'm ridiculous, I WANT AN EFFING DRINK!

-I'm so tired of being called preggo...Almost everyone calls me preggo. It has become the most annoying nickname of my life. I'm tired of being preggo. I want to be normal Flaherty. I'm ready to be normal Flaherty. I know that normal Flaherty is really a thing of the past to an extent, because i'm becoming a mom and that changes everything...but i'm done with Preggo. Preggo needs to be in my past.

I dunno...there's so much more to it than just that, that drives me CRAZY about pregnancy, but i'm having a hard time remembering all of it. Damn you pregnancy brain!!!

Reality Check...

As my mom (or Grandma) informed me this morning, I have two weeks and 6 days left until my due date. That is down right frightening news considering...

1. We do not have all the parts for my son's furniture. Oh, you read that right. My son is here in two weeks and I only have one shelf for his dresser and half of his changing table put together, because in my infinite new mom wisdom, I thought that this was a good company to go with. I was wrooooong. The company doesn't even have a website. Which is pretty sad and pathetic in the grand scheme of things. Oh well. At least his crib went together with no problem. I'll take what I can get right now.

2. I'm having my last baby shower this weekend. Lesson: Don't let passive aggressive behavior get in the way of what is normally, logical thinking, because you will probably regret it in the long run. Am I getting what I want in the end? Yes. Was it really worth it in the end? Not in the grand scheme of things. There are now too many parties and WAAAAAAY too much stuff. Well, the last part is not true. You really can never have too much stuff for your child. Except maybe newborn onesies. You can have too many of those.

3. I've been so busy, I have not packed a hospital bag yet. This is a bit like living on the wild side in mommy to be world, because I should've apparently had the bag packed like three weeks ago. I'm attempting to pack it this weekend. We'll see if I have time for it.

In truth, if you haven't learned it at this point, you are a crazy mommy to be. YOU ARE NOT INVINCIBLE AND YOU CAN NOT DO IT ALL! Two months ago, I thought I could do it all. I thought I could be a creative artist, a health guru, a good employee and a good mommy to be. You can't and you probably won't accomplish everything. In reality, you will be lucky if you accomplish a third of what you set out to accomplish at the beginning of your pregnancy. You will have to accept it and move forward with your life, because, your kid will not remember the fact that he slept in his grandparents living room, and that it wasn't painted, or that you didn't have the laundry done on the day he arrived, or that you didn't walk a marathon a month after he arrived, or that you didn't show off your creative artistic abilities right before he was born. You will care if he arrives into the world in one piece and he will care that you love him, and feed him and take care of him and be the best mommy you can be.

Realistically speaking, thinking you can do it all leads you to act crazy, do crazy things way out of your character, and slightly lose touch with reality. You really don't mean to, but it happens, even to the best of us. Blame it on the hormones. It really is the truth.

What's in a name?...

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The 2010 Self-Improvement Quest Mid-Year Update...

Umm, exsqueeze me, but we are already halfway through the year? Shut the hell up. No, seriously, I mean it. Anyways, since its been six months since I originally set out on the adventure of trying to improve my life FOR REAL this year, I figured I'd pause for a second and review what I planned on doing, and if I've actually gotten anywhere...

-Career Development

Ok, so here's the thing...unfortunately, the job market is tough. Whoa, way for me to blow your mind. However, I've still been job hunting. Well, I was job hunting until I got to be about 4.5 months pregnant and there was no way to ignore the fact that i'm, well, preggo. I mean, I tried, but unfortunately, while they may not come out and out and tell you they aren't hiring you because they don't want to lose you in 4 - 5 months to maternity leave, THEY DON'T WANT TO HIRE YOU BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU IN 4-5 MONTHS TO MATERNITY LEAVE. Blah! It sucks. I have lots of skills. I made a list of them for goodness sakes. But, you can't make someone hire you, I still fully believe that with all my heart. I have plans though. I sent my resume to the local chapter of the Susan G. Komen Foundation to volunteer with office work and event planning, because that is one good way to get some good experience, even if I can't convince people to hire me right now, maybe 6 months down the line they will. It can't hurt to try. I'll try to work on improving this after my son arrives.

-Financial Stability

Surprisingly, in spite of the fact that my job stinks and the pay stinks, I am on financially better ground than I was a year ago. Crazy, i know. But, our bills are being paid, on time. My credit card is going to be paid off hopefully before I go on maternity leave, and by tax time next year, we should only be paying two bills..cell phone and car insurance. Holy crap! The one thing I've sucked at is still savings. However, if we can continue down the path of paying off bills, i'm hoping that we will be able to start adding to our savings account when I get back to work. At least, that's my goal.

-Health and Wellness

Health and Wellness took on a mind of its own. Along with pregnancy, came my sudden addiction to fruits, vegetables, wheat bread, peanut butter and milk and water. Caffeine has not been in my system in over 7 months. (Imagine what I'm going to be like when I get it back, yikes!) I've cut a lot of unnecessary crap from my diet. I do yoga five days a week. (Not the most flexible gal still, but it helps with certain wellness aspects.) And, with Gestational Diabetes, i'm extremely picky about what I put in my mouth and how much. I'm not going to lie, i'm not perfect. I still like a little bit of sweets every once in a while, but it's quite different from a year ago, where I just kinda put whatever I felt like in my mouth and was done with it.

The one thing I didn't think about wellness wise, was stress. Stress is actually still quite a big thing in my life, and I really have got to find some constructive ways to deal with besides eating, or yoga...or crying, blech. I'll have to do some research on this and go from there.

-Education

There's a tie in I didn't talk about up in career development. But, its education too. Its considering taking tax preparation classes and becoming a tax preparer during tax season. Earlier this year, I ended up doing 4 different people's taxes, including my own. I mean, I got paid for it a little, but if i'm gonna do it, why not get really paid for it. I need to find a good program though. H&R Block has one, but its $300!! Aaaah, how do I pay for that? I'm researching that plan. (And looking into it for my mom, who needs a part time job.)

In other education aspects, I've had a lot of education on stuff I didn't plan on, especially the whole becoming a mommy thing. I'm taking a Lamaze class at the end of the month, a breastfeeding class, oh, I also took a nutrition class about having Gestational diabetes too. I don't know, my genius plan of getting a book to learn about my car failed miserably when my car died and we haven't been able to get the car fixed yet. I basically want to try to get a "Mrs. Fix-it" kind of book and learn how to fix basic things around the house, toilets, this, that and the other. And the boy and I have been discussing taking a cooking class together as something fun to do after I have the baby, though it might have to wait until next year depending upon the cost. Yes, i am in fact a nerd.

-Minimalization/Organization

Ok, here's my opinion. After the last 8 months, I really think minimalization/organization is a LIFETIME process. You can get rid of as much stuff as you want, and still end up with more stuff. Now, this may have to do with the fact that I keep accumulating so much stuff for the jellybean, but seriously, the amount of clothes I've donated, the things from college that i've gone through and decided what I did or didn't want once and for all, and then minimizing my parents house down some, its been unreal. We've gotten rid of so much stuff. But, it feels like we have so much more stuff!! I was really proud of myself for getting rid of quite a bit of our DVD collection, which was craziness, and in actuality, we only got rid of about half of what we actually had, but we still got a good chunk of change from it, which was pretty cool.

I think that's the best summary of my self-improvement, at least at this point...Things are about to get seriously crazy, especially with my jellybean coming. We'll see how things progress from there!

Apparently...

I'm just not happy giving birth to a child this year and becoming a mother...I have to go save everybody's ta-tas too.

Realistically, there are several reasons for all these things occurring right now, none of the least, that I have AMAZING timing. (Please note sarcasm.) Anyways, in the past, when I have experienced times of high stress, (the good majority of college, a decent part of high school) one of the best things for me to combat the stress was to immerse myself in activities, usually along the creative lines, to help me focus on other things and take my mind off the stress. High school was all about event planning...homecoming, dances, activities around school etc. It was the first time I took ceramics, and while I suck at it ROOOYYYALLLYY, it was therapeutic to mess with clay on wheels and in general. (One of my pieces got entered in a city wide competition among high school students, so hey, don't knock my artistic talents.) One other thing that helped was volunteering. I volunteered in the Summer Camp program at the YMCA for two years, and the first year I did it, I received the Youth Volunteer of the Year award...at the age of 16, no less. (Continuing proof that giving to others CAN help you.)

Anyways, I've had my eye on the annual Bra-ha-ha competition that started up about 2 years ago in the area. They only have the competition in two areas, here and in New York. Basically, you decorate a 38C bra in whatever design you choose from hilarious to whimsical and submit it to the competition. All the money raised goes towards the local regional hospital's breast center, and whoever wins with the best design, wins $1000. If nothing else, I feel like this will be a good way to keep my hands occupied for an additional two months, along with baby shower planning, baby room planning, and baby planning in general. (69 days to go by the way. Yikes!)

Then, in a rather disappointing turn of events, I've developed Gestational Diabetes! Arrrrgh! Measure everything! Grrr! Eat 6 times a day! Arrrrgh! Poke myself 4 times a day! Blaaaarrrgh! Still get to eat carbs...huh? Yep. Saw my dietitian today, who was very helpful with meal planning, ideas for things to eat, what things to be careful about intaking, measuring out how much I need to eat and all other kinds of dietary nonsense. After this, i'm excited, surprisingly. Its helpful to have an idea of what things I can and can't have and how much to have, and while its annoying, well, i'm still intaking 2000 calories a day (which is the normal intake for the preggos of the world.) Its not as scary as other people made it sound, its more a matter of just being careful how much you eat and what you are eating, and keeping an eye on it all. Its really what everyone should do.

There are several ways you can develop Gestational Diabetes, and no, its not just from being a fat ass or drinking soda all the time (though none of that helps). A lot of it is family history stuff, like being Hispanic or African-American, being over 25 when having a child, and family history of diabetes. I'm half-Hispanic, almost 28 years old and my mom developed gestational diabetes when she had me! Gee, I wasn't predisposed to develop this at all. I'm not thrilled, but I needed this. It'll help me get my eating habits under control.

Two big things that will help cut my blood sugar down, is (1) reducing stress (I.E., less freaking out about baby stuff, more yoga), and (2) Exercise. This is where saving ta-tas once again comes into play. I've always wanted to do the Susan G. Komen Foundation Run for the Cure, but have always allowed myself to come up with all these reasons why I don't have time to do it. But, losing the baby weight within the next year or so, and then continuing to lose weight afterwards is really important to me, if nothing else for my health. So, i'm going to do the 5k Walk for the Cure, a month after I have the baby. (Well, as long as he doesn't decide to cook for an extra couple of days or so.) I'm kind of excited. I'm not much a runner at all, so I highly doubt I'll ever actually run a race, but, i'm pretty good at walking and walking is a good form of exercise, especially at this stage of pregnancy. I'll keep you abreast (hahaha) of my progress as I go. :)

Other than that, I'm trying to focus on healthy thoughts for my baby. Everything else becomes less important as my child gets closer and closer to arriving. I can do this. I can do this. NO, wait, WE can do this.