I am, in fact, Old....

Hey there, hi there, ho there! (Hehe.) Yes, I know. I disappeared off the face of the earth, without a word, for a year or so. Don't be hurt, it's not that I don't love the two of you who do read this blog. I've just been legitimately busy. Seriously. You want an update? Ok!

-First...I continues down the path of trying to be a good mom to the wildly enthusiastic, high energy monkey, known as Eli

Eli devouring his first chocolate cake on his first birthday...yes, he is mine.

-I got a legit job!! Holy crap!!! I left McDonald's (after I thought that was never going to happen), and am now working for...well, I can't tell you specifically. But, I will tell you it is for a large retail company that sells their wares on TV. And, there's only three letters in their name. Ok, that's all I can tell. Well, that and I now have legit health insurance. And, vacation time. It's nice. I'm not going to say ideal, because the people I deal with are NUTS! Not your garden variety either. But, I will continue to work towards furthering my career aspirations.

-I photographed my first official wedding!

My favorite photograph from the Anderson-Wall Wedding!

It was really fun! And, terrifying. But, definitely fun. I won't be doing any weddings for a while though, because I am just way to busy with my job and just don't have the time I need to devote to doing weddings. But, I'm still working on projects for my friends. And of course, taking 3 million pics of Eli, because I have to document every moment of Eli.

Case in point, because this kid, is cute!

That's the highlights. I mean, there's the usual nonsense, going to the beach, hanging out with friends, going to concerts, just having fun. Oh, and the whole planning a wedding thing. Ray and I finally decided on a date...April 20, 2013. So, we have a little bit over a year to start getting stuff together. I'm aiming for low key...like really low key. Like, having coolers full of beer, getting married in the backyard, hanging out with friends low key. Reality check: I choose a life over a perfect wedding. Don't get me wrong, I WANT a fancy wedding with all the fixings, including a photo booth. But, I have a life to live and what I really want, more than anything...is a new place.

We're almost there, finally. I graduated from college in 2006. That means it's taken me 6 years just to finally move out of my parents house. But, we are all set. Well, almost. There's actually getting the money and then putting down the security deposit/1st month's rent, etc. So, we're looking at the end of February/beginning of March. That's cool. That means I will be out of my parent's home before I'm 30. No, seriously.

This leads back to my whole point, that, I'm getting old. Now, please understand that for me, age has always been just a number. I don't have many wrinkles. My grey hairs are disguiseable. And, I still have most of my mind. However, my body has deeply betrayed me, to the point where I know I have to start working out, because I can't take it anymore. Plus, I want to be smaller for the wedding. But, mostly, I want to be in shape. My mom was a nano-second away from throwing away my brother's bike. I stopped her and said I would take it. I almost died, because I'm special and I tried to peddle around the neighborhood on a bike that was set on the highest gear possible, which made me work three times as hard and wore me out three times as fast because I'm sedentary at my new job. (No bueno.) But, once I dropped the gears down to normal person speed, I did good and now make it around the neighborhood 5 or 6 times before I go inside to drink water. Plus, I did something crazy and signed up for dun dun dun the Tour for the Cure. Its a road bike race that raises money for the American Diabetes Association. I'm a red rider, because I found out I'm pre-diabetic, so I get a really nifty red shirt that they get in the Tour De France...only red instead of multi-colored. I'm really excited, though I know that I may die. I'm only going to bike 10 miles this year, because trying to bike 100 miles in my first year is ridiculous and I would've had to start training a year ago to actually do that and I only have 3 months to train, so its better that way.

There's more, tons more. But, I'll continue to fill you in later.

I'm a slacker...

(Originally started in March. Prime example of slackerdom...)

I admit it. Don't hold it against me, I love all 3 of you who read my blog...seriously! But honestly, I've been well, busy. And grumpy, which really doesn't bode well for strong blog entries about adventures in motherhood or adventures in life. It mostly just bodes for whiny complaints about the weather and how unfair life is. I'd rather write about the mostly good, with a lil bit of bad in it.

I still haven't found a legit job yet. Its frustrating. I've been out of work since January. I'm not a fan of being out of work. Without the job, I am much less likely to accomplish things anywhere else apparently. So, i've gotten a bit messy. And put some weight back on.

(real time update 5/19/11)

I still haven't found a legit job yet. I've gone back to my crappy ass, lame ass former job b.c. (before child). Yes, I've gone back because of my finances. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm shallow about money. I like money. I like having money. I like being able to pay my bills. And buy my kid clothes. And buy some a.c. (after child) clothes for myself, because I need them. Oh, and food. Food is good.

I don't know what frustrates me more some days...the fact that the economy has sucked just about as long as I've been writing this blog, or the fact that the super awesome skills I have, can't seem to translate to a job that is worth, well, me. Yes, I think I am above fast food. I went to college. I have no business in fast food. If you want the honest truth, if it wasn't for the fact that the store manager is my mother in law, I probably wouldn't have the job at all and would either be working at the radio station making pennies or would be completely jobless. None of this, makes me feel any better about my situation.

I have put weight back on. According to a friend's scale, less than I thought, but more than what I'm happy with. This ticked me off so bad, that I'm forcing myself to focus on what I did so differently a year and a half ago, that not only allowed me to drop 20 pounds before I got pregnant with Eli, but also allowed me to not put on an extreme amount of weight while I was pregnant. I know a lot of it had to do with the fact that I developed Gestational Diabetes, which made me much more observant about what I was putting in my body, because the best way to control diabetes in general, is diet and exercise. So, I was really good about watching what I ate. But, now, there's no baby inside of me to make me feel better if I eat fruit and veggies, rather than 15 cupcakes. (Not that I've ever ate that much in one sitting...i'm just saying!) My motivation, most of the time, is helping others, which is fine, until I forget to help myself. Plus, if I expect Eli to continue to eat well, like he is now, I need to do the same.

I'm a slacker in other departments too. I have about 3 weeks worth of pictures on my Nikon that I need to upload, edit and send out to people/print. I'm slacking financially. I'm a slacker. I need someone, who is an adult, to kick my ass into shape. Or, you know, just take responsibility for myself and kick my own ass into shape. Although...

I'm not a complete slacker. Eli is well taken care of. (Check mark, Ray and I.) I just conned/convinced my mommy friend Ashton to do a 2 mile walk with me, which is going to raise money for CHKD (Children's Hospital of the King's Daughters), which will benefit our kids and our waistlines! So, that will be good training for the Susan G. Komen Foundation walk I want to do in October. And, today I drank a ton of water. (It was hot. Dehydration is bad.) Ooh, and ate a mango. (So worth the work!) And, came up with a good idea for what to bring to a Memorial Day cookout. (Grilled Shrimp Salad, yuuuuuum!) Ok, i'm going to pat myself on the back, kinda.

I'm not a total slacker. I just need to work on prioritizing. At least I know what my problem is! (Now, to solve it. Drat!)

Oh, fine...

So, maybe I have more than just the goal of being happy for 2011...sue me, I'm very adamant about improving my life, in small, yet accomplishable ways. Judge away. Its fine. I'll never judge YOU! (Seriously, I won't.)

Anyways, I'm intent on doing a few things this year.

1. Finding a legit career/job...Seriously.

I'm not fooling around with this crap anymore. I'm tired of working crappy retail/food service jobs because "I need the money". I can't stay at the radio station anymore, because they have made it ABUNDANTLY clear that where I'm at is where they are leaving me, even if I stand on my head. So, I just have to figure out what I would be satisfied with doing for the next 2-5 years, while I figure out my next educational move and Eli is still tiny. For the time being, I'm working on getting some kind of administrative/office job. Yes, I know everyone in the world finds them boring. I don't. I actually find that kind of job RELATIVELY unstressful, so it only makes sense to work in the field, make decent money and be able to provide for my child.

2. Treat my body like the temple its meant to be...

I'm bound and determined to walk the Susan G. Komen Foundation walk in October. And, yes the only times I run are when I'm running away from something coming after me, so no, you are not ever going to see me run a marathon, well, ever. I'll bike for a cure. I'll walk for a cure. I might even consider crawling for a cure. Plus, I'm continuing the groundbreaking changes I make in 2010 of improving my eating habits (as I sit here nibbling on an apple and a clementine.) I like the fact that I lost weight last year, and would like to be able to continue to lose weight and get fit and be able to play with my kid as he grows. It would be cool to not be exhausted. I'm only 28 after all...

3. Re-ignite my relationship...with photography...

I for the life of me cannot explain to myself why I walked away from my passion of photography a few years ago. Except that outside factors frustrated me so bad, that I stupidly put down my camera, like a fool. I love photography. Have for a very long time. Of course, this is also the year, that I'm purchasing my super cool, nifty neato camera that I've had my eye on for the last 2 1/2 months. After that, I may go ahead and start working on my side job of being a freelance photographer. But, the year will mostly be spent getting cuddly with the camera and taking random jobs from friends and getting a portfolio together. You know, and taking 3 billion pictures of Eli, naturally.

4. Learning how to be a super awesome mom...

Being a mom is a 24 hour a day job. Anyone who has told you otherwise, has not gotten up with a 3 month old who DOESN'T understand the concept that you are supposed to sleep when its dark. He's so cute though, so I don't hold it against him. But, seriously, I am looking forward to reading my books, learning about being a mom and trying to find the instruction manual for Eli...I know he's just hiding it from me. He thinks he's so funny.

5. Plan a wedding...

Ohmygah, I'm gonna die before its all over with, but yes, I'm attempting to plan my wedding. Planning the wedding is more stressful than the event or even the marriage in my opinion. I'm looking forward to the day itself, but I will be glad when we nail down a lot of these "silly" details and have the money for them too. It'll be good. I already have a lot of ideas and I'm getting my wedding planning book and a magazine or two. After I have my job nailed down, or at the very least by next month, I'm making an appointment to go try on dresses and see if what I see on the Internet is actually what I want to wear or if I'm just gonna go for a white or beige sheet and wrap myself 15000 times in ribbon with white flip flops. (Though I haven't completely thrown out the idea of wearing rhinestone encrusted flip flops yet...which my mother will roll her eyes out once she finds out about...) No tiaras. Lots of lilies (real and fake). Eli and his cousin Julie as ring bearer and flower girl. Oh, and designing my own centerpieces and invitations. ::claps excitedly::

Oh, 2011, I'm so happy you are here...here's to hoping everyone else's will be just as much fun. :)

Taking Stock of 2010...

Oh, lets face it...you always set out for bigger and better...so when it actually kind of happens, its hard to know what to do with it sometimes. You don't always accomplish everything you expect or hope to, but instead, I choose to focus on what did happen this year...

-I had a baby...

My adorable and sweet little Eli...

(Feel free to awwwwwwwwwwwww your head off...If you don't, there's something wrong with you, I don't care how biased I am...)

-In spite of having child, still lost 20 pounds...give or take...

This is just a prediction, but i'm pretty positive I did anyways...I know my double chin disappeared and my face is not as round. I take this as a positive step forward...:) And since I won't be going through pregnancy this year, i'm gonna shoot for an additional 25 pounds off the body...or at least better muscle mass...and continued better eating...

-I have more than 5 dollars in the bank!

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssss!

-I have less stuff...

This is a good thing....less clutter = more time to think about other things...like my kid...

And best of all...

I'M ENGAGED!!!

Ummm, omg, I have something super sparkly on my finger...that's just crazy! :)

Goal for 2011...Happiness...unadulturated, ridiculous amounts of happiness...Yup, I like that plan...

Working Mom Vs. Stay At Home Mom

That right there, is like one of the ultimate wars NEVER talked about. Pretty much everybody sits on one side of the fence or the other...I, of course, being a moderate, fall in the middle of the argument.

I want so badly to have been home with Eli for the last 6 weeks. Going back to work when he was 6 weeks old, was one of the hardest decisions of my life. You never know or realize how hard the decision is going to be until you make it. I never cried so much before in my life. (And, I had already cried hard through the first 3 weeks of breastfeeding.) It was so heartbreaking for me to go through, because all I wanted to do was sit at home with Eli, play with him, feed him, make faces at him, and work on personal things for myself. However, when its a matter of playing with him vs. him having diapers, I choose my kid having diapers. After the last six weeks of working, I can't say its any easier, its only more tolerable. Some things have changed at the job, and as of this week, I get three days off a week, which i'm thrilled about, because it equals more Eli time! (Yay!) But, I there are some realities I've come to terms with in six weeks.

-Working at home will not be a real option for a long while, at least not without a babysitter.

Let's face reality, when you are home, your child wants to be with YOU. They don't want to be home with you, while you shush them 90 bajillion times because you are trying to answer phones, read e-mails, and do other job-related things. Sooo, in reality, my genius plan of being a stay at home working mom, doesn't really compute in my head. Some things I am able to accomplish from home, so I debate about doing those things part-time, but I have to see how those work out, before I reveal more. No need to get overly excited...

- However, not working at all, is not an option, at least not in my case. And, in a shocker, it have nothing to do with finances, and much more to do with the long haul. If I take an extended period of time off, I might as well start from scratch with my education when Eli hits kindergarten. So, in order to avoid having to go through school, or having to work at crappy jobs to make a living, i'm going to try to get to the point where financially, we may be able to afford for me to only have to work part-time, so that I can be home with Eli a lot for a few years, but I don't lose out on good opportunities to further a career. I dunno, its all a work in progress.

Look, i'm not knocking one or the other in terms of what a mom chooses to do when it comes to life with a child. Life with a kid is not easy. A kid sucks up your life. It changes your life completely. Its much easier to stay kidless if you do not want to have to work your schedule around something that relies on you for the first four years of his or her life and then can suddenly turn on you for the next 13 - 15 years afterwards. The reality, is that you can't have your kid be the center of your life, because what the hell do you do, when they don't need you anymore. And, that point comes, eventually. We all have to suck it up and grow up. You teach your kids a lot about life. They teach you a lot more about life. A lot more than you expect and could ever ask for.

Being a mom is amazing. I love every second of it, and I look forward to all the joys and heartaches that are headed my way, because each one of them is going to make my kid and myself better people. Its why its hard working outside the home 40 hours a week. I miss being able to see life from his perspective a lot. But, you get breathing room working outside the home. You learn how to not be attached to the hip. Its still hard. There are still days i'm not sure i've made the right decision. But, 2/3rds of motherhood is leaping. Its hoping like hell, that you are doing the right thing, for your kid's sake and your own.

The Self - Improvement Quest - Post-Partum Update

Ok, not gonna lie, I really didn't think I was going to be writing this soon about self-improvement. I pretty much figured that I was going to be writing at the end of the year, about how there's always next year. I'm shocked to discover that I'm not! Yay!

K, here we go...

-Career Development

This out of everything has to be the exciting improvement! I got another job!! Yay! A job I like!! Yay! A job that only lasts until the end of January!! Uhh, awwwwwww. Oh well. Its another job. A job I like or at the very least, can tolerate. It makes me decent money. It gets me away from the ugly trend I've had over the last 2 1/2 to 3 years of taking crappy ass jobs because I needed the money and didn't really have a choice, because the economy sucked and everybody was competing for the jobs I wanted the most. Of course, I'm a mom now, and its amazing how much your priorities change in 9 months. I was devastated, heartbroken, over the loss of my radio career, and at a loss as to what I was going to do about it, because if I wasn't in radio, then who was I? Like, seriously, that was my attitude about it. I still think things happen for a reason, even if it takes a while for those things to happen. Maybe I was too into the whole working thing. I mean, I have to work, money is important if you want to do things, like take care of your child. It just doesn't have to be my whole life. More importantly, I don't want it to be my whole life. Like I was telling E (the runner) yesterday, I would like a job that pays decent, has decent benefits, and allows me the luxury of taking a week of paid vacation once in a while. While this job only lasts until January, there is the potential that I could turn this around in my favor and turn it into a permanent job. I did it with radio, not to mention several other jobs. The key is to get my foot in the door. My foot's in, now I've just got 4 months to prove myself.

-Financial Stability

This is the area that has improved the least since I wrote my mid-year update. Financially, we are technically barely keeping our heads above water, which sucks. Our saving grace was the simply fact that Ray makes good money and that I scrimped and saved before I went on maternity leave so that we would have gift cards and cash to fall back on when we really needed it. But, it still hurts to be out of work for 6 weeks or so, and then have Ray's paycheck take a beating because of the stupid weather (torrential rain = no work in Ray's world), so that hurt a lot. But, our kid has had food, diapers and wipes, which is like the big three of things they require most in baby world. It hasn't been easy, but I think by the end of the year, we'll back on a more even keel, especially since i'm making more money then what I was making before I went on maternity leave.

-Health and Wellness

This one is another shocker for me. Five weeks after birth and I'm back down to my pre-pregnancy weight! HOLY CRAP!! No seriously, you have no idea how excited I am about this. Couple this with the fact that my pre-pregnancy weight is the lowest I've weighed since I've graduated from college, and I'm setting a good trend for my future endeavor of losing some serious weight over the next year or so. I'm doing really well with my eating habits, continuing my trend of eating well-rounded, colorful meals and drinking LOTS of water, and very little other things, though my caffeine intake has increased some, since well, I don't sleep much. That's my only problem to an extent right now, but its not really my fault or my kid's. Its just how things roll. As he gets older, i'll get to sleep more.

Exercise is of course lacking, since I went through vaginal labor and i'm not allowed to do anything strenuous without official clearance. Its fine, I go back to the doctor on the 22nd, when I should get clearance to exercise and go back to my yoga and start my year long goal of training to walk/run the Susan G. Komen Foundation 5k. I'm trying to be positive, and i'm not guaranteeing the 5k will happen, but we'll see what happens.

Stress-wise, things have improved ENORMOUSLY since giving birth. Its not perfect, but i'm more back to my normal stress level, which is pretty cool. I feel better about life in general, and things feel accomplish-able, which I haven't felt about life in a really long time. We'll see how things go once i'm back on birth control. The one i'm going on has the potential to make me a little bit loopy, but i'm crossing my fingers it will be temporary.

-Education

That whole goal has been completely turned upside down on its head. This is because my career goals have changed and all that good crap. I still want to go to Barnes and Noble and get a Ms. Fix it book I was told about that hooks you up with how to fix things around your home. I'm officially ready to research taking a cooking class to really learn how to cook "outside the box". My friend A, who's practically Suzy Homemaker, gets creative with her cooking, so my goal is to aspire to be her to an extent. Bacon-wrapped Asparagus is pretty frigging sweet, so i'm looking for a class that will allow me to expand my mind enough to make things besides Hamburger Helper and things of that nature. Oh, and the one other thing, a parenting class of some kind, I think mostly as a way to meet other mommies and also to prove to myself that i'm not completely screwing up my kid.

-Minimalization/Organization

Uuugh, this more than anything has crashed and burned like you wouldn't believe. Of course, you try having this tiny person that some days refuses to be with anyone else, but YOU! Its getting better though, but i'm not nearly as organized as I could be. Minimalization is easier, of course, because I get rid of lots of stuff everyday and as Eli grows out of stuff, i have a tendency to put it away for future use for others. I'm hoping by the end of the year I'll be back into the swing of things being able to organize my stuff and my life and packing things away and getting ready to move somewhere next year.

-Future plans

I haven't made many future plans over the last few years. I've never felt I've had the ability to, without paid vacation and making more than $8.00 an hour. Having had those two things potentially change, makes me want to plan for the future. Finalizing our moving plans, marriage in another year or two maybe, planning a major trip for me, my son and my mom to go to England, so that he can experience culture like I did when I was little. Going to Disney World, making plans for holidays, having fun, learning, exposing my son to the joys and heartbreaks of life. I'm really excited about my future...more than I have been in a really long time.

Breastfeeding...

is for the birds...seriously.

I'm a wimp. Its fine, whatever. I survived 37 hours of labor, 28 of it sitting at home, breathing it out WITHOUT meds mind you. So, my boobs, my heart and my kid could not take more than 11 days of breastfeeding. The litmus test for boobie feeding seems to be 3 months. My cousin lasted 7 weeks. Had I tried to do it for a month I might have had to cut my boobs off.

The first night, it seemed really easy. Eli and I seemed to get into a rhythm of things, he was feeding, I was feeding him, we were both really happy. Day two went really well too, he ate, slept and pooped. I ate and slept.

Then, there was night two. When suddenly, Eli had a fit. Its fine, to an extent, except that hearing my child SCREAM cry is not something I can remotely handle at all. It kills me quite frankly. I can deal with him crying in general, and I can deal with some moaning and whining, but screaming? Nope, not happening, breaks my heart. So, when he did it that night, and I couldn't seem to calm him down to save mine or his life, I freaked out. I was exhausted. They took him from me to do some tests and I slept while he was gone. When he came back, he was sleepy and so was I, but the nurse insisted that I had to feed my kid, who was asleep. It was a rather painful feeding and Eli seemed to struggle through it. Something was off from the night before.

The next day, the day we were released from the hospital was even worse. First off, they circumsized him, poor little guy. When they came to get him for his circumsision, they took him in the middle of a feeding, so he only got to eat for 15 minutes and was STILL HUNGRY! After they did that, he was obviously upset, but instead of bringing him back or waiting until I was done feeding him to take him, so that maybe he would've handled it a bit better, they gave him sugar water! WHY ARE YOU GIVING MY KID SUGAR WATER WITHOUT MY PERMISSION??? By the time they brought him back to me, 3 hours later (because he had to have other tests done), he was passed out from the stress of it all, and didn't want to eat. 2 hours later, Eli finally wakes up and he's PISSED! He's upset, i'm trying to eat and feed him, he seems to be having trouble latching on, and on top of that, he keeps pulling away from me and SCREAMING! Ack! I'm starting to freak out, because at the rate we are going, we are never going to be able to leave, because I can't feed my poor kid. On top of everything else, breastfeeding is a bit of an art form, and if your kid doesn't latch on right, you are asking for problems, i.e. my nips cracking! Owwwwwwwwwww! Some how or another we got through it, and made it home. That night was exhausting, with lots of crying on both his and my part, but we sorta made it through it.

Here was what pushed me over the edge...

1. My kid crying relentlessly and fighting me constantly to get on and off the boob. First, he'd cry to get on, then pull off and cry some more. Who has time for that fight?

2. Eli developed the worst diaper rash in the world. I mean, his butt turned bright red and it started blistering. My son literally scooted away from me at a week and a half old to have me avoid touching his ass with a diaper wipe. Ummm, I'm not sure that's entirely okay with me.

3. We had a 4 day stretch of the following scenario. 5 to 7 hours of...eat, poop, sleep for 10-25 minutes, wake up, scream to eat, poop, sleep, eat, poop, sleep, eat, poop, sleep...Don't get me wrong, babies eat, poop and sleep. That's what they do. Its fine. But doing it without a relentless break for hours on end. I'm sorry, i'm not a strong enough woman to do that. And quite frankly, neither are my boobs or Eli's little butt.

I finally relented when Ray lost his mind and told me to end it, because he couldn't take coming home and finding me and Eli both crying. Fix the problem. We first tried regular formula. That ended lovely when me and Ray took him to his first doctor's appointment, fed him while we waited for the doctor and then first had Eli spit up all over daddy and not just a little bit, but quite a bit, and then while Ray was cleaning himself up, had Eli spit up all over me...down my shirt by the way. The doctor was a bit concerned and suggested we try another formula. Ray went and bought soy and two days later, Eli's diaper rash cleared up, we had no more 5 hour stretches of relentless eating and both me and Eli started eating and sleeping better.

I understand the wonderfulness of breastfeeding, don't get me wrong. Its healthier for mommy and baby, its cheaper (to an extent), and a whole host of other things you get told when they are first trying to convince you to breastfeed. However, at the end of the day, I can't help but feel like the best decision I ever made for me and my son, was to switch to the bottle.