I Will Not Hate Everything Because I Hate My Job...

I will not, I will not, I will not hate my life, because I hate my job with all my body and soul.

I mean, seriously, I have never hated something this much before in my life. Ever. And I have had some crappy jobs, dealing with crappy people, and I thought I hated that. But really, in the grand scheme of things I didn't. Not with even a tenth of what I hate my current job right now. The job that, if I didn't have, I wouldn't have health insurance. I like health insurance. I appreciate health insurance. (You never realize how badly you need it, until you don't have it.) But I HATE my job. Hate it from the roots of my hair to the tips of my toes. I think about having to go to it when I'm working my other jobs and I literally shudder.

The really sucky part is that for the most part, I don't hate this job because of what I do. Its actually kind of fun and most of the people I work with are awesome. But the parts of this job that I don't like, they kill me. With all my soul. And I'm not exaggerating it. Believe me, if you went through what I go through on almost a weekly basis, dealing with what I deal with and what i'm told and what I have to hear, you would hate this job with all of your soul. Believe me, I know what a crappy job is. For goodness sake's I had a kid puke on me on the first day of the first job I ever had, and that job was 20 times better than the job i'm in now. If I could walk away from this job, I would in a heartbeat, a nanosecond, wouldn't even think twice about it, would not have any regrets and would probably go home and throw a party and burn all attire associated with this position. Big bonfire. Huge.

Now, I know. Blah blah blah, you complain about your job, you hate it, do something about it. I'm trying, damnit. I have applied for position after position. I have tweaked my resume about 13 different ways. I tailor my cover letter to each position I apply to so that it doesn't sound like a uniform letter I blanket every company with, but that I actually took the time to find out about the position and stuff. I either haven't gotten past initial interviews or no one has called me or returned my calls. Part of that i'm sure is just that I'm competing against tons of people who have no jobs. I'm also starting to wonder if i'm so...God, I hate saying this...desperate for any job that I consider better than what I have, that it shows and I'm trying to fit myself into a job, that everyone knows I have no business applying for, or something like that. It makes sense in my head, work with me. The point is, I can't do this job forever. Actually, I'm not really sure I'm going to make it through the holidays with this job, before I go bananas, throw a hissy fit and go running into the night screaming "Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr again!" But, I have living standards. I like insurance and I like having a decent paycheck I can rely on coming in every two weeks. So, basically, I need a 36-40 hours a week job, that provides me with health insurance and guarantees that I won't be treated like shit. I'm probably asking for a lot. But I really feel like I'm not. I feel like i'm asking for what every other red-blooded, beer drinking American with a college education is expecting. I have a college education. And I'm really smart. I am so much better than this.

So, I've enacted a plan. Its my 'I'm going to find myself another job if it kills me, which it just might' plan. First, I need to really honestly sit down and figure out my skills for real, then figure out where all those skills can be applied, so that I can show I'm super awesome for some kind of job. Then apply for a job, hopefully do awesome in the interview, get a better job and escape my hellhole job. Everything else after that is really small potatoes.

I'll keep you updated as things progress.

The Fog's lifting?

Have you ever walked into a situation and realized for the first time, you're seeing it with clear eyes? Its kind of like the fog lifting, you just suddenly see everything. Its cool and crazy and disorienting all at the same time.

No, I'm not tripping. Promise. Unless you count my addiction to coffee. But I generally don't get coffee highs anymore. Makes it much easier to function, when you don't have the urge to do 17 backflips. Its just that last year seemed like a roller coaster for me, much like for everyone else. I was not handling things well. I think I finally realized today that I'm starting to deal with life better. I feel like I'm seeing the full picture and I feel better.

I was going to say that its not like anything has really changed from a year ago, but that's not true. A year ago, I was slowly but surely seeing what was heading towards me like a freight train career wise. I was avoiding it like the plague, telling myself that if I don't acknowledge it, I don't have to deal with it. Oh, sure, I took the coffee job, but that was just because I figured it would be helpful to have it to get through Christmas. Or maybe in the end, I knew what was coming. I knew I sucked wind at doing news. No two ways about it. Its not my strong suit. But, I didn't know what else I was going to do. So, I stubbornly kept at what I was doing, to my own demise. Well, sorta. Its complicated. Much like my life in general.

I'm still in radio. Yay! Not at the same capacity I used to be. I still get to do cool stuff and work cool shows. And, i'm still on air, just not as much as I used to be. I think it makes it easier to do it now. Radio has gone back to being fun for me, rather than something I dread. Which is freaking sweet.

Starbucks sucks the soul out of me. Its just not where I want to be. But, for the first time in almost 4 years, I have medical insurance. Which means I can afford to get hurt and sick. And I can tackle some health stuff that I've need to tackle, like a general check up with my doctor. That'd be nice. And get some new glasses. And get my teeth cleaned. That'd be nice too.

The truth of the matter, is that I think I've been working on parts of myself without realizing it. And I like the person I am. And while I don't like where I'm necessarily at in life, i'm positive that I'm going to look back on all this in about 10 years, and laugh, remembering the time I spilled soy milk all over myself three times in one week (which is a record, by the way), and being on the go, working events for the station and fitting in traffic and having to rely on my phone and my calendar to make sure that I don't forget where I'm supposed to be when. And while I'd like to find one job, where I can get insurance and paid enough to afford an apartment and a puppy, i'm working towards those goals my own way. I've come to realize that its not going to all happen overnight, and sometimes as hard as you work, you still have a long way to go before things really start to pan out. I'm mostly trying to stay positive about everything. Because worrying for the last year has gotten me nowhere, except upset and crying over bullshit that I can't control or situations that I can't change.

The fog's lifting and i'm starting to see the sun. And that's enough for me.

Finding something to be thankful for...

Its the most complicated thing to do. I mean, you're already having a crappy day, you hate everything and everyone pretty much, and then you get to the one day of the year when you are expected to actually be thankful for things. And all you want to do is to give everyone the finger and tell them "Screw you guys, I'm goin' home!!!!" Which of course makes you look mean and crazy.

Anyways, things were different this Thanksgiving. I mean, since I was a little kid, Thanksgiving has pretty much consisted of the same thing...turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatos with mini marshmallows (burnt of course), homemade cranberries, discussions on what we are going to watch on the tv, fights over who stuck their finger in the tub of whip cream, a long argument over the use of the dish washer and who's rinsing and loading the dishes, trying to haul out 20 bags of trash, finding the wishbone and then passing out on the couch while watching football. Its always been the four of us, just around the house.

Then the boy's mom invited us next door for Thanksgiving dinner. My dad was pretty happy since he wouldn't have to cook a turkey and all that, I think me and my little brother were relieved that we wouldn't have to fight over the dishes. We agreed to do desserts (Mom's apple pie, yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum) and pretty much didn't worry about it too much.

Then the day came. And like everything else, we can't just have a normal discussion about things, we have to argue about it. I don't think we are happy sometimes, unless our voices are raised. Anyhoo, my mom was all antsy about going. My dad just wanted to get over there, and eat and nap and we kept reminding the lil bro to keep himself in check. Finally after we got over it, we went next door and sat down at with 20 other people. (The boy has a lot of family.) It was fun and i'm happy we did something different.

But, like always, I have a tendency to reflect on what i'm thankful for, mostly while i'm half asleep on the couch. I dunno, i'm trying to think of what I'm thankful for this year. At the very least, I am thankful I have a job, while it may be crappy and drive me crazy, I do have some kind of money coming in, so that is good. I still have my friends and family, though I may not see them much or talk to them often, I do have them. I have the boy in my life, who is a wonderful person, no matter how exasperating he is. I suppose i should be thankful for the thread of sanity I have in still left in my little brain. I mean that's the best I have right now though.

Never take a part time job, because it will become your full time life

That's from Pablo Picasso...i'm too tired to come up with things like that on my own, but not too tired to not acknowledge the smartness from where the thought is coming from. Because it is so true, at least at my estimation, that its not even funny anymore.

My life has become the radio station and Starbucks. Oh, and sleep. Those three things. I've actually forgotten if I've taken a shower somedays, I don't always remember what I ate or when I ate or if I've actually eaten. I dreamed about making Starbucks coffee the other night. I've had espresso contact highs on 3 different occasions, which has basically consisted of me babbling like a mad woman either to myself or someone else, mostly my parents. When I see them that is. I don't talk to my friends, I don't see the boy, and I'm lucky if I see my parents.

Its only going to get worse next week. I'm working 37 hours, just at Starbucks. I'd like to take a vacation from the radio station for a day or two at least in the next few weeks to actually have the ability to sleep. I'm tired of having no time for anyone else or myself. There are not enough hours in the day to do the things I need or want to do. I'm tired of feeling like i'm letting everyone down and I'm sick to death of busting my ass to make ends meet and getting nowhere fast. I have goals, things I want to do and places I want to go see and be. I want to spend time with people and be able to talk to people and have a conversation that doesn't consist of "I worked and I worked some more and I hate my life". THIS IS NOT MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will not become the best Starbucks barista ever or continue to be paid what I'm not worth to do something, where I don't even feel I'm appreciated at in the first place. I want to do something to help people, to make a difference and will give me some sort of job satisfaction at the end of the day. I want the ability to make ends meet without having to work myself to death. I want to be able to have a social life. I want to be able to vegitate and read and not have to worry about having to be somewhere or doing something. I want to be busy, but be able to tell people "Sorry, I'm taking a personal timeout". I don't have time to do that. I don't have time to cry.

I don't even have time to finish this damn post. Damnit!!!!

Time is a luxury...

...well at least in my world currently. Because of different events that have unfolded within the last three weeks, things that I've been dealing with for months have to come to a head. To say the least, I'm still surprised by some of the turns of events and I don't know what to make with some decisions that have come up in my career. I'm trying to get my head on straight still, because everytime I think I know what direction things are heading in, the rug seems to get sweeped out from under me. I think this is commonly refered to as life, or something like it. Hmm.

I dunno, either way, i'm tired of talking about these sorts of things for the moment. When I'm not talking about it, i'm thinking about it, when i'm not thinking about it, i'm dreaming about it, and the questions seem to constantly float into my conciousness, and I just want to SCREAM at the top of my lungs for it to stop and for me to be able to think about something, at least for a moment.

However, because certain events, my life is now everyday the news. For the last two years, I've definetely paid more attention to the news and the goings on of the worlds, than say the previous 5 years of college. However, now I pay even more attention, because, well, its my job.

So yeah, anyways, things seem to be going pretty crazy in the world. Hmm, a thought, could the craziness in my life be a reflection of the world around me? Hmm. Anyways, paying attention to all that and a format switch (from "Classic Rock" to "Classic Hits" and yes, there is a difference), I made some of my own connections. We now play a song called "Allentown" by Billy Joel. The last few times that I've heard it, I've mostly just jammed along with the music, because when I heard the song when I was little I loved the melody. Then it occured to me yesterday when I heard it that I never knew the lyrics to it.

Now that I know the lyrics, I can't believe how much this particular song is still so dead on with the life we live and the state of our country, and the song was written 26 years ago. I'm not saying its not possible, but it just amazes me when it happens. Anyways, not only am I exposing you to the lyrics, i'm linking you to the video (Thanks You Tube), 80s cheese and all. Please note that you get a buttcheek shot, fire batons and a guy in daisy duke shorts. But most importantly, yeah just listen to the music.

Well we're living here in Allentown
And they're closing all the factories down
Out in Bethlehem they're killing time
Filling out forms
Standing in line.

Well our fathers fought the Second World War
Spent their weekends on the Jersey Shore
Met our mothers at the USO
Asked them to dance
Danced with them slow
And we're living here in Allentown.

But the restlessness was handed down
And it's getting very hard to stay

Well we're waiting here in Allentown
For the Pennsylvania we never found
For the promises our teachers gave
If we worked hard
If we behaved.

So the graduations hang on the wall
But they never really helped us at all
No they never taught us what was real
Iron and coke,
Chromium steel.
And we're waiting here in Allentown.

But they've taken all the coal from the ground
And the union people crawled away

Every child had a pretty good shot
To get at least as far as their old man got.
If something happened on the way to that place
They threw an American flag in our face, oh oh oh.

Well I'm living here in Allentown
And it's hard to keep a good man down.
But I won't be getting up today.

And it's getting very hard to stay.

And we're living here in Allentown.

I'm 26 years old and a pop culture fiend...

Supposedly at the age of 26 you're supposed to be responsible. I don't know if this is entirely true, but I figure since I've been cleaning my house since 11:00 this morning, I can entitle myself with a quick break to do something awesome....

like creating my own Superhero!!!



I'm a total nerd and I know it. But its The Lizzle! She sizzles! She flys! She probably accidentally eats her hair while she's flying and has hit herself in the head more times than she can count with those stupid swords. However, I do have cool shoes and gloves.

If you want your own, you can just go here: http://marvelkids.marvel.com/create_your_own_superhero

Ok, back to work. ::whoosh::

We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play them.

Backstory: Professor Randy Pausch, a Carnegie Mellon University Computer scientist whose "last lecture" about facing terminal cancer became an internet sensation and a best-selling book died today. He was 47 years old. He was diagnosed with incurable pancreatic cancer in September 2006. His popular last lecture at Carnegie Mellon in September 2007 garnered international attention and was viewed by millions on the internet. The speech was part of a series Carnegie Mellon called "The Last Lecture", where professors were asked to think about what matters to them most and give a hypothetical final talk.

My story: I initially saw this video not long after they made Randy Pausch ABC's Person of the Week one week. The thing that I caught from it was the quote I have as the subject line. In the end, it probably describes life better than any other words I could come up with. I'll write more later as to give everyone time to watch the lecture. (Forewarning: The lecture is an hour and 16 minutes.)



The lecture series was born out of this thought: What would you say if you knew you were going to die and had the chance to sum up everything that was most important to you? For all the other professors in the series, it was just a hypothetical. For Pausch, it was real. He was given 6 months to live. And I think he does his best to explain what he would do and how he lived his life and interestingly enough how he obtained his childhood dreams. I honestly haven't thought about my childhood dreams in quite a while. In fact, i'm not entirely sure I could remember them, nevermind even achieve them.

26 is just around the corner. 30 is a lot closer than it should be, at least in my book. My goal for myself for at least one part of this weekend, is to really sit down, think about the things I want to do, big and small, and start coming up with a plan for me to attempt some of these things. I figure if this guy can make his dreams come true, I probably can too.