I'm 26 years old and a pop culture fiend...

Supposedly at the age of 26 you're supposed to be responsible. I don't know if this is entirely true, but I figure since I've been cleaning my house since 11:00 this morning, I can entitle myself with a quick break to do something awesome....

like creating my own Superhero!!!



I'm a total nerd and I know it. But its The Lizzle! She sizzles! She flys! She probably accidentally eats her hair while she's flying and has hit herself in the head more times than she can count with those stupid swords. However, I do have cool shoes and gloves.

If you want your own, you can just go here: http://marvelkids.marvel.com/create_your_own_superhero

Ok, back to work. ::whoosh::

We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play them.

Backstory: Professor Randy Pausch, a Carnegie Mellon University Computer scientist whose "last lecture" about facing terminal cancer became an internet sensation and a best-selling book died today. He was 47 years old. He was diagnosed with incurable pancreatic cancer in September 2006. His popular last lecture at Carnegie Mellon in September 2007 garnered international attention and was viewed by millions on the internet. The speech was part of a series Carnegie Mellon called "The Last Lecture", where professors were asked to think about what matters to them most and give a hypothetical final talk.

My story: I initially saw this video not long after they made Randy Pausch ABC's Person of the Week one week. The thing that I caught from it was the quote I have as the subject line. In the end, it probably describes life better than any other words I could come up with. I'll write more later as to give everyone time to watch the lecture. (Forewarning: The lecture is an hour and 16 minutes.)



The lecture series was born out of this thought: What would you say if you knew you were going to die and had the chance to sum up everything that was most important to you? For all the other professors in the series, it was just a hypothetical. For Pausch, it was real. He was given 6 months to live. And I think he does his best to explain what he would do and how he lived his life and interestingly enough how he obtained his childhood dreams. I honestly haven't thought about my childhood dreams in quite a while. In fact, i'm not entirely sure I could remember them, nevermind even achieve them.

26 is just around the corner. 30 is a lot closer than it should be, at least in my book. My goal for myself for at least one part of this weekend, is to really sit down, think about the things I want to do, big and small, and start coming up with a plan for me to attempt some of these things. I figure if this guy can make his dreams come true, I probably can too.

The Long Haul...

Gag me with a spoon if you want, but like I recently mentioned, me and the boy have hit 6 months. This is a big deal for me personally, but not for the reason you'd probably think. I'm pretty sure this is the longest relationship I've had up to this point, so at least at this particular moment, I am officially capable of staying in and maintaining a decent relationship for an extended period time, which after the last few years, I wasn't sure if I could actually pull off. For me and the boy, one, we didn't even realize it until two days after we made it "official" and when we did, it was more or less "Hey, we've been together 6 months ::pause:: Neat, want to watch a movie?" I mean its cool, but when we get to year, then we'll throw confetti at each other and do something ridiculous like go see a ridiculous movie or feed each other chocolate covered strawberries...actually, scratch that, if that happens, I'm going to need someone to haul me off to the looney bin for an extended stay. I'll feed myself chocolate strawberries, thanks anyways.


The point of this rather silly and drawn out story though, is that we've been together for 6 months and again me and a friend got into a discussion recently about...forever. F-O-R-E-V-E-R, forever. The long haul. Are we, as average, everyday human beings really meant to be together forever? We came to the initial conclusion that this might not be the case. Maybe we are supposed to have more than one person in our life, the idea that there's not just one person out there, because really, when we thought about it, that was a pretty scary thought, because what if you don't find that one person?


But, then we started thinking about couples who we knew who had done forever. Actually, i started that, because (1) I'm the eternal optimist and (2) for every one person who says you can't do it, I can always think of one couple who managed to beat the odds and stick it out for the long haul and be happy about it, my aunt and uncle who were together for 52 years. They went through the good, the bad and the ugly together. Dealing with the death of her parents and the repercussions that had on their life (they were taking care of kids before they had their own), financial troubles, losing two children in childbirth, raising 5 kids of their own, the death of his mother, buying a home and staying there for 40 years, going on their own adventures across the country, spending time with their nieces, nephews and grand kids and great grand kids, my aunt's life changing crippling knee injury and subsequent knee surgery, the celebration of their 50th wedding anniversary and then the subsequent decline in health of my uncle from asbestosis and his eventual death almost two years later. They went through a ton together. Some of those things would've caused one of the two partner's to walk away if it was any other combination of people, but they stuck it out together. And, I can honestly say that I have never met two people who were happy to be with each other. I mean, my uncle drove my aunt totally nuts sometimes, especially with his 5000 projects that he worked on around the house that never got totally finished and his inability to allow anyone to help in the kitchen during Christmas. And, my aunt drove my uncle nuts with her need to invite 7000 people over to the house during Christmas, her need to vacuum every single day, and the fact that they had managed to house birds, dogs, and several children and grandchildren over again. My aunt is a softy for anything with big eyes and a sad face. But, they loved each other, no matter what, and you could see that constantly.

My biggest memory from my Uncle's funeral was when I walked up to his casket and talked to my aunt for a few minutes, who was standing over him and just had her hand resting over his. She looked at me and told me that she just didn't know what she would do without him anymore. She was surrounded by so many people, her family, her friends and the community they lived in, but she had never felt so alone in her life. He had been the one true constant in her life for over 52 years, and all she could think about was how much she missed him, and how much she wished that he would get up out of that casket, so that he could help guide her through how she was going to handle all of this. I think that's when I realized how scary that feeling must be, to be on your own after the one person you've spent 50 years making decisions with is not there to help you. It would scare the crap out of me. At the same time though, that's exactly what I want.


Its such a nice idea, the idea that you can find someone who you can tolerate for longer than 15 minutes, who you can share everything with and still find more to share with them. You help each other get through the good and the bad, and you really are in it for the long haul, no matter what. I've met plenty of people that for them, when the going gets tough, they get the hell out. Its understandable, especially if you have the ability to walk away, to go ahead and walk away. Plus, you've got to know your tolerance level, what you can deal with and what you can't deal with. I also think it depends upon what kind of relationship you have with the person you're with. Sometimes, no matter how good or bad a situation is, you realize you can't be with them, and maybe its just the realization that you aren't supposed to be with this particular person, so I guess you keep going and hope that the right person is out there. I just know its a really nice idea. And maybe its my watching of silly chick flicks, but geez, I hope its true. I mean if its not I suppose I'll live, but, for once, just once, I'd like to believe that its possible that two people can love each other forever. And, not kill each other in the process anyways.

Go Your Own Way

Fleetwood Mac song, which came out about 2,000 years ago, but its a good song, and in particular, the title of the song struck me over the weekend.

We are all born and start out on a path. For about 18 years of our life, our parents are guiding us along, helping us out, teaching us what they think is the right and wrong thing to do. We have the influence of friends and peers who are learning right along with us and other influences that affect and help us make that final decision of which way we are going to go in each situation. That's a lot to process for one person, especially at the age of say like 13, when I first noticed that a lot of people around me were pretty prone to make decisions and well, live their life. Me? Well, I made my own decisions to a certain extent. I've also not made certain decisions because I knew that there would be people who would "disapprove". This has been a definete crutch for me in certain situations to an extent, and I didn't even realize how much so until I was talking with a friend and realized that. Sometimes, I feel so stunted in certain departments and I know its different for everyone, but its hard to feel that way, mostly because you feel like you are supposed to be that way, even if its ok for you to not be that way, you know? I dunno, i'm kinda talking out my ass on that one.

Anyhoo, the point is that during the start of my "rebellous" formative teenage years, I wasn't very, well, rebellous. Quite frankly, I went to school, followed the rules, stuck to the lines and pretty much didn't go there, for lack of a better description. I mean, I had my moments, where i'd tiptoe over the line, but for the most part, I went to school, I did stuff after school, i came home, i hung out with a few people and that was it. I can honestly say I never went to a party, I never drank anything I wasn't supposed to that my parents didn't know about, never smoked anything I wasn't supposed to, but most importantly, i never really adventured. I was just trying to get from point A to point B without getting my head shot off. God, I was a stick in the mud.

Then, I got to college, the "breakout" years. My freshman year, I was still pretty much sticking to the lines, at least at the beginning. By the end of that year, i had at least gotten drunk once and done something dumb (practical jokes, falling for an inappropriate boy, going to my one and only field party, which actually wasn't worth all the hype), which was nice, at least I could say I was experiencing college life. Sophomore year, I almost joined a sorority, still had a thing for an inappropriate boy and I think I sloppily made out with at least one other inappropriate boy...wait no, that was junior year. Between junior year and my two (count'em two) senior years, I did some "growing", took a couple chances and was willing to stick more than my toes over the line. There were still certain things that never happened for me at that point and let's face realities, i was perpetually single, for well, ever.

I'm going to be an old woman in just a few short weeks (HOLY CRAP!). I've been home for just over two years. In those two years, my family life has been shaken up, stirred and thrown around for the good, bad and ugly; i've reconnected with old friends, made new friends, gotten in fights with friends new and old and done my best to be a good friend in general; i've gone from being perpetually broke, to being kinda broke, to feeling like I was starting to inch ahead, and back to where I am now, which is well, being kinda broke; I have successfully managed to work where I wanted to work, for the first time in my life, a true decision that I made, inspite of the concequences that I knew faced me at the time, I did it, I worked where I wanted, I made that choice and I have to say that i'm happy I did that, despite being broke for two years; i've fallen for more inappropriate boys, dated a couple of them for a moment or two, made out with a few boys, almost beaten up one or two of them and am now officially (go ahead, gag with me) at 6 months with THE boy; best of all, i'm slowly, but surely, learning about taking care of myself and being their for myself, because there are a lot of people in the world, who want a piece of me one way or another, and i've realized that without taking care of myself and doing ridiculous things like sitting in my room with a face mask on, while reading Rolling Stone and listening to cheesy 80s music, i'm never going to be able to be, well, me. And in order to be me, in order to go my own way, i've got to be able to know what I want. Much easier said than done. But, i'm learning more and more everyday that its possible; worst of all I've come to realize that without doing things for yourself, you will get cheated out of living life.

Let me really explain that last part. People have their own minds, their own life experiences, their own way of making decisions. Now, you could be how I was for a long time, making decisions for the good of everyone, bending over backwards and overextending myself to make sure that everyone was ok and taken care of and having fun etc. I was perfectly content, as long as everyone else was having fun. This saved me from a lot of things. Most specifically, it saved me from ever having to make a decision. I didn't have to decide, because I let everyone decide for me and went with it. Which was good for me, because as I've discovered, especially within the last few months, I don't totally know what I want. I mean there are certain things I know about myself, and certain things I know that I want. But, for the first time in a while, I'm starting to realize that I don't know what I want, and I have to figure out what I want. My brain finally is starting to get that its not selfish to do what you want and take care of yourself. I've always said that no one is going to take care of you, unless you take care of yourself. And, you're never going to live life to the fullest going "Well, I'll just go with the flow". Sometimes you have to go out there, let your opinion be known right or wrong, fall on your face, say what you mean and mean what you say and have some damn fun, damn the costs or what others think, because as a friend told me last week, "If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong". Now, I won't say that I don't still find myself reverting back to my first mindset of sometimes doing things, even when I don't want to do them, but, i'm starting to get better. I'm reminding myself that its ok to take care of myself, make time to clean my room, to exercise, to eat, to sleep, to watch a movie I want to watch, the laugh hysterically at the silliness that is "Gene Simmons: Family Jewels", to figure out how the hell my car works, to eat shrimp on a regular basis and to still have more than 3 pairs of shoes. I'm also slowly but surely accepting that i'm going to make mistakes, I'm not going to be perfect, i'm not going to spend my money perfect, and that sometimes making the right decision for me, means that there may just be others who are not going to approve. The day when I can truly and honestly believe that it doesn't matter and that I have to be happy that I made the decision that's best for me, that'll be a good day for me.

Its rare but it happens...

I'm going to take one moment out of my blog that is usually reserved for my random life ramblings to show you something of a big impact to our nation. Well, I don't know if its a big impact, but its a reflection of the impact that a person can have on another person. Granted he's in the media, but you've got to give him props for his ballsiness.



I normally do not talk about my opinions on politics and war. In all truth, I have much stronger opinions about the war, than I do about politics itself. Maybe they are entertwined, but in all honesty, nothing gets me more hopped up some days than the war.

I have been against the war for quite a while. If nothing else, I've always felt that the war was an excuse to keep the country distracted while there were a lot of other things going on behind the scenes to benefit everyone except this country and the world at large. It was the benefit the big guys, the man. Not to help save the world from terrorism. The world hasn't been saved. We've got big, huge problems throughout the world, from the cyclone disaster in Myanmar and the earthquake in China, to Global Warming, to the recession of this country and the financial distress that exists in many other countries, to the lack of general caring about anyone else or those in need. But that's the thing. My dad told me recently that "Charity starts at home." And I believe that with all my heart. Its not a selfish thing, its about the idea that before you can fix anyone else's problems, you have to fix your own. And yes, we were attacked. But our country's President tried using the rather flimsily disguised excuse that we had to save the world from terrorism. And for some reason we marched into Iraq, the country that didn't even attack us and now we've lost many men and women over a war that no one still understands the true reason behind to this day. It wasn't about helping anyone or saving anyone. It was about looking good to the world and money and many other reasons that we may never know. Maybe if we had fixed problems within our own country first, we would be able to help other people now. Or hell, maybe we would be able to help ourselves now if we had just stayed out of a country we had no business going in, in the first place.

Ok, sorry, I know. Pushing political beliefs and opinions on others, is against my very nature. I just needed a rant I suppose.

Fretting about the Future...

If you've taken the time to read my last entry, you may have noticed it took me fricking forever to publish it. That was because in the mid-process of a huge thought process about art and how it plays into my life...well, life happened.

Things change, constantly. And life happens whether you participate in it or not. And I don't know if I've been truly participating in some parts of my life lately. Especially a while back. I was kind of in a haze for a mix of different reasons. Having a new boy will do that. Having a lot of stress on you will do that. Existing on a lack of sleep will do that. The point is, I was existing. Which was nice, sorta. And I think when I decided to participate again was when everything hit the fan...almost quite literally.

I won't go into full details, but 3 major, almost life changing events happened around me within less than 24 hours. I'm sorry if that seems dramatic, but believe me, its almost typical of my life. It was like a 1-2 punch more or less. I'm not really sure how i'm standing and that happened almost 3 weeks ago. I don't know why those were such life changing events for me, except that maybe it was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was like I literally blew a fuse and just took that jump off the deep end. Those 3 events, seemed to set me on the path to make some changes in my life, and the only logical thing I can come up with, was that I needed that final push to do something and not just exist anymore. Not that I've been totally just existing, I've been doing a lot of things, a lot of fun things that are exciting, once in a lifetime adventures that I would never have been able to do, if I wasn't where I was at. I guess what it is, is that those things just aren't enough for me anymore. Those adventures are not going to sustain me and help me get to where I truly want to be. And it is time to move onward and upward.

I want more for myself than what I have right now. I want my own place. I want to be able to share a kitchen and bathroom with one person, not 3 other people. I want to be able to afford to pay all my bills and then have something left over to make it through the week, without feeling like if I spend a penny, i'm going to end up broke. In a year from now, I'd like a newer car, a newer camera and maybe a karaoke machine. I want a lot of things. But i'm not going to get those things continuing along the path I'm on.

I dunno, i've been fretting a lot lately. Worrying. About the future and my place in it. About life and the things going on around me and what sort of decisions people in my life are making. Of course, I worry about everything. And I apologize for worrying. I apologize for everything. I have even been known to apologize for apologizing! I'm a weird, strange human being. But I know this about myself which is half the battle.

Thank goodness I know that too. Thank goodness for knowing who I am to a certain extent. I mean, I don't think everyone ever truly knows themselves, or by the time you do, you're about 97 years old and pretty much on your last legs. I guess by then its just nice to know it and just keep going, breathing. Its hard to know yourself though I suppose. I still discover new stuff about myself everyday. Some of its simple, like that I seem to have become an amazingly good bowler. Some of it is much more complicated, like the strength I seem to have within that sometimes I seem to forget about until its brought out of me, one way or another.

All good things to know, especially for the future. You never know what the future is going to bring or what things you will need to know to get through what the future throws at you. I didn't expect, well, any of the things that have happened to happen the way they happened. You know what I mean? You expect life to take turns, to take time, to not seem to have a lot of things happen all at once. And when that does happen, you really only want to collapse in a heap and not get up for a while. It would be really nice to give up and just not worry about it. But, when you're at the point I'm at, I guess you just can't give up. You have to keep going and hope that things get better. Its a slow process, but I already feel better for some of the decisions that I've chosen to make. And that makes the future, look oh so much brighter.

Perspectives...

Note: Forgive me, I know I haven't posted, but my life has been pure chaos the last few weeks. Its taken me three weeks to post this thought process. Its very scrambled. My next post will be more entertaining or enlightening or whatever.

After years (and I really do mean years, its not an exageration) of taking pictures, I've come to one conclusion...its all about perspective.

Recently, I had the chance to take my trusty Canon 35 mm camera out of its bag, dust it off and put it to some more good use. I've had this camera since I was a freshman in college. Used my money from my tax return that year to purchase the camera. I was so excited, I could hardly stand it. I knew the minute I saw this camera in the window at the store, I had to have it. I was so proud of my purchase and protective of this camera, I bought a huge Canon case and camera cleaning supplies. The minute I got to school that weekend, I strapped on my camera and took pictures around my dorm, mostly of the dorm itself, the flowers I had bought, people on my hall, the outside of the building, stuff like that. Some pictures came out cool, some didn't.

I blame that purchase on my freshman biology professor, who's name I couldn't recall if my life depended on it. However, as it turns out, if it wasn't for her, I probably wouldn't even have taken photography into consideration, wouldn't have really gone ahead and purchased the camera, nothing. I had to do an environment project for the class, basically take pictures in or around the city I lived in back home, of one area that was an example of a "healthy" environment and another of a "polluted" area. That was easy enough, i'm surrounded by water, and I knew of the lake that I had been going to since I was a little kid that was actually in really great condition (and still is to this day) and then another body of water that connects with the ocean that well, quite frankly is a mess. Hmm. Anyhoo, I went down there, took pictures with, of all things a disposable camera, cause I was in a hurry and just needed to get the pictures done. (Yes, I procrastinate.) Got them developed, slapped them up on foam board and hauled ass back to school.

Went to class that Monday and did a little presentation, about the enviroment, the distances between the two areas I went to, the biggest problems with the bad enviroment, what, if anything could be done to improve the bad area to look as good as the good enviroment, etc. Anyhoo, I had to go to her office to get the grade or whatever and while we were sitting there talking, she asked me about my pictures...where I took them at, what I took them with etc. She said the pictures were really good, had I ever considered taking photography courses or a minor? That thought had never even crossed my mind. But once she put it there, I couldn't get it out. Of course, I, in my course of studying at Longwood, never got around to actually finishing a minor, but I did take some classes. Enough to definetely improve my talent a great deal. Or at least give myself the knowledge to improve it.

Well, in truth, I don't know if I could blame my photography interest on my biology teacher. Maybe it started before. Recently, me and my mom were looking at old pictures from when me and the baby brother were little and as we were flipping through, I stumbled upon a picture of my parents and baby brother as a newborn. My parents were looking down at him, and he's got his little fist balled up, he's all red and tiny. But I can't explain the look on my parents face, its one of pure joy and peace. Me not thinking obvious at the time, I asked my mom who took the picture and she said "you did, you just turned around, looked at us, and took the shot, then turned back around and went back to looking at the camera." I'll have to find the picture and put it up sometime. Its not the greatest picture ever, and its obvious that the camera quality wasn't too great, and had i moved a quarter of an inch up or down, I probably would've cut my dad's head off or cut my brother out of the picture all together. But honestly, for a 7 year old? It shows promise.

I guess that's why I like photography so much. In much of my life where sometimes my perspective doesn't matter or when I can't seem to get my perspective out there, photography is the one place where I can take a picture of what I want and its mine, all mine. Its what I saw at the particular moment, that I wanted to capture. Its nice to know that I can get those out there and maybe give people not only a peek into what I see, but hopefully something pretty too.

This whole perspective thing kind of plays into my life lately, well certain parts of my life anyway. There are a lot of things changing right now. Some of it is going to be for the better. Some of it may not be. And I find that there's not much I can do about all of it. I've been angry and upset and annoyed a lot lately. I'm tired of all those things. I don't want to be angry and upset anymore. In the past and even now, the question once in a while gets thrown out there of "What do you want out of life?" For the most part, truthfully, I just want to be content and happy. I want to enjoy life. I'll figure out the rest later. And some of it I may never figure out. I just know that in some parts of my life, perspectives have been blown out of proportion. Bigger deals have been made out of things than necessary. Right and Wrong and who's on which side of it has been put before friendship. It really is about perspective. But you have to put that perspective in the right frame of mind, or your doomed to never see the whole picture. (Cheesy, yes I know. Don't judge me.)

Anyways...I really do believe that photography is all about perspective. I believe in the end that no two people see something the same way. Or at least they rarely do. There are pictures my friends take that I wouldn't have thought to take, or for me, I catch something at just the right moment that makes me go "I need to get this shot now". But its about what your eye sees. Sometimes, its about tilting your head at the right angle, or squinting just right. And I think the beautiful thing about photography, is that everyone can show off their perspective.