Fretting about the Future...

If you've taken the time to read my last entry, you may have noticed it took me fricking forever to publish it. That was because in the mid-process of a huge thought process about art and how it plays into my life...well, life happened.

Things change, constantly. And life happens whether you participate in it or not. And I don't know if I've been truly participating in some parts of my life lately. Especially a while back. I was kind of in a haze for a mix of different reasons. Having a new boy will do that. Having a lot of stress on you will do that. Existing on a lack of sleep will do that. The point is, I was existing. Which was nice, sorta. And I think when I decided to participate again was when everything hit the fan...almost quite literally.

I won't go into full details, but 3 major, almost life changing events happened around me within less than 24 hours. I'm sorry if that seems dramatic, but believe me, its almost typical of my life. It was like a 1-2 punch more or less. I'm not really sure how i'm standing and that happened almost 3 weeks ago. I don't know why those were such life changing events for me, except that maybe it was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was like I literally blew a fuse and just took that jump off the deep end. Those 3 events, seemed to set me on the path to make some changes in my life, and the only logical thing I can come up with, was that I needed that final push to do something and not just exist anymore. Not that I've been totally just existing, I've been doing a lot of things, a lot of fun things that are exciting, once in a lifetime adventures that I would never have been able to do, if I wasn't where I was at. I guess what it is, is that those things just aren't enough for me anymore. Those adventures are not going to sustain me and help me get to where I truly want to be. And it is time to move onward and upward.

I want more for myself than what I have right now. I want my own place. I want to be able to share a kitchen and bathroom with one person, not 3 other people. I want to be able to afford to pay all my bills and then have something left over to make it through the week, without feeling like if I spend a penny, i'm going to end up broke. In a year from now, I'd like a newer car, a newer camera and maybe a karaoke machine. I want a lot of things. But i'm not going to get those things continuing along the path I'm on.

I dunno, i've been fretting a lot lately. Worrying. About the future and my place in it. About life and the things going on around me and what sort of decisions people in my life are making. Of course, I worry about everything. And I apologize for worrying. I apologize for everything. I have even been known to apologize for apologizing! I'm a weird, strange human being. But I know this about myself which is half the battle.

Thank goodness I know that too. Thank goodness for knowing who I am to a certain extent. I mean, I don't think everyone ever truly knows themselves, or by the time you do, you're about 97 years old and pretty much on your last legs. I guess by then its just nice to know it and just keep going, breathing. Its hard to know yourself though I suppose. I still discover new stuff about myself everyday. Some of its simple, like that I seem to have become an amazingly good bowler. Some of it is much more complicated, like the strength I seem to have within that sometimes I seem to forget about until its brought out of me, one way or another.

All good things to know, especially for the future. You never know what the future is going to bring or what things you will need to know to get through what the future throws at you. I didn't expect, well, any of the things that have happened to happen the way they happened. You know what I mean? You expect life to take turns, to take time, to not seem to have a lot of things happen all at once. And when that does happen, you really only want to collapse in a heap and not get up for a while. It would be really nice to give up and just not worry about it. But, when you're at the point I'm at, I guess you just can't give up. You have to keep going and hope that things get better. Its a slow process, but I already feel better for some of the decisions that I've chosen to make. And that makes the future, look oh so much brighter.