Debbie Downers...

::SIGH:: Hi, my name is Flaherty and I'm an optimist.

I have spent most of my life looking for the sunshiny side of things. The upside. Glass half-full kinda crap. It doesn't always work. I have my days. I get grumpy. But for the most part, I have to check everything out and see things through before I make a decision that it is bad for me or not a good option.

We have potentially found an apartment. A groovy apartment. An apartment two streets up from the Oceanfront. OH MY FREAKING GOD, I have been babbling about living at the beach since I was in high school. God, I don't even have to live there forever, but to be able to say I lived at the beach and cross that off the big list of things to accomplish in life, I would be so happy. Even better, its not overly expensive. Its expensive, but not overly expensive. We have to go check it out obviously, and I've long learned to stop putting all my eggs in one basket, but this could be sweet.

I'm excited, thrilled, really. This could be cool. So why do people like to rain on other people's parades? Is it because people can not be truly happy for someone else? Is it the need to be "real" and help others be "real"? Or does it just suck to hear that something is going right for two people who have been on the EPIC roller coaster of FAIL for the last year and a half and you just have to make them cranky? I don't rain on your parade. I'm truly happy for you and all your stuff. Jealousy is an ugly color on anyone and so are you in anything backless! (I'm bitter, sorry.)

Anyways, I'm excited, i can't wait. I'm going to check this place out and see where its at, what its like, what the parking is like and all sorts of other things and take pictures and then we'll see how me and the boy feel about it. He's getting all puffy chesty because he thinks he's providing me with something I want. Which is true. I want this real bad. We'll see how it is though and then go from there.

Being Cool...

I have been cool approximately 10 minutes of my life. Total. Maybe.

I have had really cool stuff happen to me. This does not in fact make a person cool. This simply means you were in the right place at the right time. Which is true for me about 75% of the time.

Being cool is this thing that always seems to just escape me. I never quite say the cool thing. I never quite make it on wearing the right clothes at the right time. I always just tried a little too hard in high school. Actually, high school was mostly about just skating on by, except for my Student Council days. But that didn't make me cool. That was just leadership and decorating skills and planning skills.

I was never athletically inclined. I danced. I was pretty good. Not fantastic. If we had the money, I probably would've gotten good at it. Other than that, not an athletic person. Cheerleader...in the first grade. Softball...Rec league, where no one really cares. Soccer in high school...i played the last 10 minutes of every game because the coach took pity on me.

College was really my blossoming years, as a person and as someone who knew the way she wanted to be. But years of knowing I was never cool still followed me to college and affected the kind of person I was not, not as badly as it had in high school, but enough to where I can still tell the difference between how I used to be and how I am now.

The way I got through high school and even parts of college, was being a people pleaser. I wasn't cool, I didn't quite fit in the way I wanted to, so I was really kind and really helpful. Sometimes to the point where I let myself be talked to in a way that wasn't kind and to where I allowed myself to be in bad relationships because I just wanted to be accepted. Because I had a hard time accepting myself.

I'm a very dorky, awkward, kind of hilarious person. No matter how much weight I lose after I have my baby, I will never be 'petite' or 'cute'. I will always be taller than average. I will always have a tendency to just kind of say whatever is at the tip of my tongue because its how I feel or because there is no point in holding back anymore. I will trip over my own feet, but dance rather gracefully because I had 4 years of ballet training, which makes me semi-graceful. I will read for the rest of my life, because it is how I learn and I like to learn and know and have 7 million random facts floating in my head for conversations with the many different people I know in my life. I like relating to lots of people and I like helping people, but I learn more and more everyday that helping and pleasing is not a way to be accepted. It is a way to be used and abused and mistreated.

The funny thing is, is that when you start changing, people don't like it. I understand it, to an extent, but i don't. Its hard for me some days, because I want to slip back into people pleaser mode to keep the peace. But, i'm not so good at keeping peace anymore. I get aggravated when I realize my kindness is being taken advantage of. That really creams my corn, a lot. And people don't want to take me seriously. They think that i'm nice and so they can do what they want and I'll come back for more. I have friends, good friends, and a nice family and the wonderful boy and a baby coming. I have a pretty full life. I'm tired of adding people who want to use me for my car and my perks at the radio station and other such nonsense. But then people get angry when i stand up for myself. If it was them in my shoes, they would act much the same way. I'm not mean. Not yet.

What concerns me the most, is that if i don't stop now, my child will follow my path. I already want so much more for this little person. I mean, you can't help personality, you are what you are. But, if mommy is not a pushover, baby will not be a pushover. I find more and more, everything I do is not only for the betterment of myself, but the betterment of my future child. It makes it a lot easier to not slip back into people pleaser mode.

Geez, my emotions are in overdrive right now. I need my pregnancy hormones to chill out!

Stubborn Biatch

That is thy name.

Sorry, its the harsh reality right now. As of right now, I'm 13 weeks pregnant. My feet are starting to swell, my face is breaking out, i'm getting chubbier and nausea still makes it impossible to eat somedays. Oh, and i'm an emotional nutcase.

The problem with being an emotional nutcase is that I don't react to things in a rational manner. (Not that I ever really did.) But I'm much more honest. I'm holding back a lot less. I'm coming off as a henious, stubborn bitch and I don't care.

Its not a personal thing. I've spent two-third's of my life being nice to people and finding a kind way to say things about people because I am just not fond of confrontation. Once confrontation surfaces, I normally avoid it like the black plague and go into hiding in my shell and just keep my thoughts to myself and stew. I seem to have lost this ability to be able to do this sort of thing all the time. But I can't say that I'm truly upset about this.

I love my boyfriend's family. I do. They are kind people, with redneck tendencies, but a lot of people are. That I can live with. What I can't live with is being driven nuts!

First off, this is my pregnancy. Which means I'm the one that's carrying this kid. Which means I can handle this situation how I want. The boy and I get to raise this kid the way we want, which means we get to make decisions about how we handle discipline, schooling and other such nonsense.

Secondly, if someone tries to push freaking boy baby clothes on me before we freaking know what I'm having, i'm going to literally strangle the person who does that to me. We don't know what I'm having. I think I'm having a girl, but on the off chance I'm not, I want to know for sure. Until I know for sure, I'm not buying a single stitch of clothing. (Well, i did buy a really cute Bunny ears hat for easter. Sue me, I'm a new mom.) Stop pushing stuff on me. I don't need it. I have enough on me as it is.

Third, there are three major events in a woman's life, only two of which she's has some kind of control over, because at your funeral, you're dead, and quite frankly as long as no one just throws me in the backyard, I really won't care anymore. But, you can control your wedding and your pregnancy/baby shower. Please let me have a say in what I want to do. Its mine. I don't want to have to live vicariously through someone else because I didn't get to do things the way I wanted to. Save us all the hassle and save me the tears and let me do what I want, because at this point, i'm going to be pushed to pay for it myself, have it in the backyard and invite 15 people tops. I'm not in kindergarten, and i'm less and less fond of the idea of inviting people who don't like me and who i don't consider friends or family to this thing. And on top of that, why is this such a big deal, its a party for me to be a freeloader. I'll take care of it when I'm good and ready. I would like to accomplish the red tape of Medicaid first before I start worrying about whether I want chocolate or yellow cake at the party. And hey, maybe I want confetti cake. Confetti frosting is the shit, ok?

And finally, quite frankly, you don't know what I'm putting in my mouth. You don't ask me. You just assume. Yes, i know I'm fat. I've been looking at this body for a really long time, I know the flaws and the good parts. But, just because i'm fat and now having a baby does not mean that I am treating my stomach like a trash shoot. I have a salad everyday. I've severly increased my intake of fiber, in a concentrated effort to not have to deal with constitpation and hemeroids. I am literally force feeding myself milk so that I get my daily quota of calcium and don't develop Osteoperosis. (Literally. I chug 3 glasses of milk a day. I hate milk. But i do it.) I already worry about gestational diabetes (because my mom got it both times when she was pregnant), high blood pressure, and the effects of stress on a baby. I take prenatal vitamins everyday, do yoga five days a week and have cut caffeine out of my life almost completely. I am so worried about how much weight I'm putting on and am trying my damndest to not put on too much weight but make sure I put on enough so that the baby will be healthy. And quite frankly, instead of being worried about what I put in my mouth, why don't you worry about what you are putting in your mouth.

Side note: The people who this is directed at don't read this blog, at least not as far as I know. I've actually said most of this to the people who this is directed at. I just need to try to get it out of my system. Its driving me nuts.

The point of all of this is please, please continue to try to tell me what to do. Seriously. All you are doing is turning me into a hard-headed, stubborn bitch, who is not going to listen to you. Seriously.

Love and Adventures

This picture reminds me perfectly of last summer. Days spent at the beach with good friends, my love and the bright sunshiny days of summer. It is why I love living at the beach and why I love everything about my life. (Well, most everything. But nothing is perfect.)

I'm an adventurous person who comes from a long line of adventurers. I mean c'mon my great grandparents did trek over here from Ireland, and it takes a lot of adventure to do that. My dad joined the navy and traveled literally all over the world and fought for his country. My mom joined the navy, left her family in Connecticut and went to Spain, went to Italy after an earthquake and coordinated a rescue team and met her future husband in Spain.

My Aunt Judy has always been an adventurer, even after her husband died, going to see her daughters in Florida and California at least 3-4 times a year and her daughter who lives in California is taking Aunt Judy to Ireland for St. Patrick's Day and then they are going to Paris. Proof enough for me that you can have adventures whether you are young, old, with kids, without kids, whatever.

I'm already making plans for more adventures, on top of everything else going on. The Summer Olympics are in 2012 in London, where my Aunt Claudia lives, who is extremely excited that I'm popping out a kid. So even though the baby will only be two and won't remember too much of it, i'm trying to figure out a way to save enough money in the next two years to travel to London that summer so that we can go see my Aunt and go on adventures. I want to take the baby to Colombia when she (or he) is four, just like I did. I'm already making plans for the torturous adventure to Disney World and I'm sure there's other stuff I'll come up with as I sit here, getting chubby and glorious.

I just want to go on adventures with people I love and experience life and prove that just because you get older, doesn't mean you get boring. It just means you move a little slower.

My First Baby Photo Shoot

I've been a pretty avid photographer for a long time. Even when I was young I was taking pictures and i realize that even though I didn't have that many friends in high school I still have a lot of pictures from high school. I didn't ever really refer to myself as a photographer until college, when I invested in my Canon Rebel my freshman year.

Photography is apparently something i'm just kind of good at, without really trying. If I could, I would have Photoshop and other such programs and would probably have a digital camera by now and I might even freelance from time to time. But right now, I have bigger things to deal with first. But one day, I will have it. And i'll be nerdy and do photoshoots and what not.

But even with only have a little digital Sony camera, I still get some pretty awesome shots. And I did a photo shoot with Baby Alex. These are some of my favs...

No, these are not edited yet. I really need photoshop. Bad.

This one is just my favorite, because his smile is just so damn cute.

The 2010 Self-Improvement Quest Update

Anytime any major self-improvement project comes along in my life, unless I am really into it, I need a motivator. I can handle the career improvements and educational improvements on my own, but unless I basically have someone slapping my ass and telling me to "GO GO GO!" or unless I have a really good reason to do something exercise or health wise, I probably won't do it.

As it turns out, being an expectant mom is quite a motivator. Yes, I should do these things for myself, but part of my problem is that I like to help people and by eating better and exercising, I'm helping my baby and then once the baby's born, I can set a good example by continuing to eat healthy and lose weight. I'm weird, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

While browsing my favorite bookstore, I stumbled upon two books that are quite helpful so far in my self-improvement quest "What to Expect When Expecting" and "The 50 Best Jobs for Your Personality". Along with common sense and a changing appetite, my diet has thoroughly changed over the last month and a half. "What to Expect" helped guide me along into learning exactly what I need to make sure I need to get in my system and how much of it to help my baby, but even before I got the book, I started to find myself leaning towards eating better snacks, better meals and drinking different items. Its tough. I had to give up my freaking coffee (because there is no freaking point in drinking Decaf, i might as well just drink hot water and tea, which helps with nausea, my freaking mortal enemy right now), I am trying to get myself to drink more milk everyday to increase my intake of calcium, which is not one of my favorite drinks. One of my bestestes' favorite meals includes yogurt, granola and fruit and I've been tearing it up! (OH MY GOD, Strawberries are awesome right now!) Salads have become a daily part of my life and I'm learning about the good fat I need to intake to help the baby grow. The worst part of all of this right now has been the nausea, which leaves me not wanting to eat at all and having to work past it so that I don't starve myself or the baby, but i don't make myself sick.

I started Yoga! It kicked my ass. I found the DVD at Wally World for 9 bucks and after reading and talking to my baby doctor, I went ahead and started working it out. I had to take a break a few times the first day I did it to get a better idea of what position I was doing and also because I am not the flexible yet (which leads me to worry about how i'm going to do this at 6 months when my belly is popping out more and my balance is not nearly as good). But I felt so much better stress wise and health wise. I'm going to have to find another DVD to watch because I think I'm going to get bored doing the same thing after a month or so and once the temps warm up around here (which should be within the next week to two weeks), i'm going to go walking around the lake near my house every other day and mix that up with the yoga. I'm impressed with my motivation right now and am totally running with it for all its worth. (Haha.)

Career improvement is so hard right now. I can't believe i'm saying that! But there is nothing more frustrating than going on job interviews at a temp agency, only to find out you are competing against 30 other people for a job! Its hard to be optimistic. I've also come the conclusion that I need to come up with some back up plans for future careers I can have in my life, but I have such a hard time coming up with stuff for myself, because I've been in such a rut the last several years that I don't even know what to do anymore. So while I was walking around the bookstore this weekend, I stumbled up "The 50 Best Jobs For Your Personality" and immediately grabbed it and ran home. In it, it tests your personality traits and breaks down where your interests lie in terms of realism, artisticness (?), research and 3 other categories. Its really helped me to start think outside the box in terms of things I might like to do in this next stage of my life. I still think I would like to find a job I can do from home for the next 5 years or so, so that I can raise the baby and get the experience all the cool stuff, so I've been doing research and trying to get through all the crap and scams and hopefully I'll find something legitimate soon.

Organization/ Minimization is going ok. The boy is pretty positive that I am never going to actually minimize my life down because I have a tendency to keep certain things that remind me of certain times of my life. I'm emotional and this is not my fault, it makes me a well-rounded person, damnit. But I have thrown out a lot of stuff. I think its going to be a constant work in progress until we move out. Whatever, I'll be happy if I get organized to where I know where my stuff is at.

Education is being turned on its head constantly. I have my two books that i'm reading through and my baby doctor gave me three different magazines which are giving me all kinds of ideas and knowledge on the little munchkin inside me. I'm pretty positive that I'm going to end up going back to school, which I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to do, except hoping that I'll be able to take a lot of my classes over the internet. A girl can dream, right? I dunno. We'll see how things go.

I have to say though, that I think my progress is way awesome considering its only a month and a half into the year. Onward and upward!

Snow, Babies and other such Nonsense...

Hate me all you want, but I live at the beach. No seriously. I love the beach. After recent developments in my life, I've discovered I will never leave this area unless I am moving to another beach, because I want the new person in my life to be a total beach bum, just like me. But, I love snow. It makes everything magical. This is a picture of my front yard a couple weeks ago, covered in 8 inches of snow! I loved it! Oh joy! And it'll be another 7 years before we get a snow like this again, which is the beauty of living at the beach. But I digress.

This was going to be my year. The year where I changed everything about myself that I didn't like and by the end of this year, I was supposed to sigh in contentment, lighter in weight, eating healthier, more knowledgeable and with a better job. Apparently, God heard me making plans and decided to remind me once again, that no, you are not completely in control of your life.

I'm pregnant. And believe me, nothing is more shocking than discovering that you are pregnant while sitting on a toilet at your local Target and one of your friend's 2 year old son is peeking his head underneath the bathroom stall door while you inform him "No, sorry, this is so NOT a moment I want to share with you." Its a very complicated emotion right now. But my family and the boy's family are extremely excited. My parents are going to be grandparents and most of my extended family members are so excited, which is helping me become more excited about it. Its not how I planned it at all. I was going to do things different. Get hitched and then get knocked up, but I suppose in the end, you gotta roll with it all. I'm hormonally deranged though. Its real bad. I've recently discovered the cream cheese is amazing, especially on Nila Wafers. I almost leaped through a drive thru window in a fit of anger when a customer started yelling at me for something that was not my fault. I showed up for my first baby doctor appointment a week early. You might as well get used to this. We've got a lot more of it to come.

I'm trying to figure out what direction my life is heading in right now. Now that I'm about to become a mom (WHOA!), my whole outlook on what I was going to do with my life has changed. Career wise, I'm not sure where I stand anymore. I want a career of some kind, but I also want to raise my child. I want to be there when she (or he, to be fair) rolls over, sits up, talks, smiles and walks. I don't want to be a part time mom, which means I may have accidentally just turned myself into a part time career woman for the next 5 years or so. I really don't know for sure. I have to do research and figure things out. I guess its a good thing a woman is pregnant for 9 months. Gives her time to figure out where the hell she is going.