At a loss...

Me? At a loss? For what you ask? Normal answer for most people is words...however, since speaking is a part of my job on a daily basis, I'm rarely at a loss for words anymore, unless you shock the hell out of me...which has been known to happen from time to time.

No, no, today, I was at a loss for...music. Huh? What? You don't get it? I'll try to explain...

Most occasions, social and otherwise, I've always been able to find just the right "soundtrack" for lack of a better word, that goes with the occasion. In college, going to a certain party, no problem, let me just whip up my super awesome CD of dancable music. Need to rock out, I got it! That's just one example though.

What I'm really talking about here is being able to find that song, that album, that one lyric that manages to perfectly describe and sum up what is going on in my life, so that (1) I can listen to that song and maybe get through some of the emotions I'm feeling and so that (2) I can simply listen to the song or play the song and people understand my perspective at the moment. Music again, is a very big thing for me.

I'm at a loss in terms of music at the moment...I cannot seem to find that song, that lyric, that melody that I feel will perfectly sum up my life at the moment. I mean granted, nothing ever will, but I can usually come pretty close. I have nothing right now. Not a thing...I don't know how to put what I'm feeling into the form of music. I can't express it!

Quite frankly, its kinda killing me. I need that catharsis in my life. I mean there are songs, that are close, that are getting there, but I haven't found it yet. Its like a stupid itch I can't scratch! I want, no, NEED to find that song. I know it sounds silly, but its my thing, you know? Its like this, if I can find the song, that'll guide me towards the words, at least I hope it will. I mean I have some words to describe what I'm feeling, but they just don't compare to the actual feeling. Its the kind of thing where I can't even seem to talk about it with anyone, not because I don't WANT to, but because I don't know WHAT to say! Words just won't do it justice. I could pretend like they would, but they won't. My words, they just can't seem to explain what I want to say.

Gah! This is so fustrating! I mean I know I can put it in the simplest of terms and I have. I just don't feel like I'm doing the whole situation justice. Maybe because in truth, for once in my life, I'm in a situation that is bigger than words or music could ever express. Hmmm.