2010: Let's Try Again

New Year's Resolutions are silly and well, a pain. For the most part I think most people have good intentions, but end up getting caught up in the day to day of life and forget about what they swore they were going to do to change, while they were half-drunk on alcohol and euphoria and 2 months after the fact, you say to yourself "Eh, I'll try again next year."

I'm hoping this will be the last time I have to say that. I'm going to try and actually accomplish some goals for myself this year. One at a time. Not all at once, I think that's how you end up saying "Next year." In my head, its called "One Woman's Quest to Self-Improvement". That's probably a bit overly ambitious than what will actually happen, but one step at a time. There are several different departments I'm going to work on over the next year.

• Career Development
• Financial Stability
• Health and Wellness
• Education
• Minimalization/Organization

Gosh. That seems like a lot when I write it down. But, some of it is not nearly as complicated as it sounds. Some of it is going to coincide when other areas actually improve some and some future changes actually come through. In the mean time though...

-Career Development
I simply refuse to settle for crappy ass jobs that are way below what I'm worth and what I can actually accomplish. I also need to figure out what exactly I want to do with the rest of my life. I think Radio is over for me for the most part. I've spent the last year mourning it in one way shape or form and accepting the fact that the way it used to be is gone and will probably never be again. I'm OK with that. I just am not entirely sure what I want to do for the rest of my life, or at least the next 10-20 years, until I get bored with it, sell all my possessions, move to Tahiti and spend the rest of my life living on an island as a bartender/ vacation photographer. Yes, I'm still planning to move to Tahiti. No, I'm really not kidding. I just have bills to pay first before I can leave.

-Financial Stability
This is in part going to come with finding a better job, but I still am starting now. I'm working on better handling my money, so that I not only can pay my bills, but have a little bit left over to contribute to gas and food for two weeks. Its hard and complicated and required a serious breakdown of taking a look at my bank statements (bletch) and really looking at what I spend money on and then deciding what I can afford to cut from my spending, so that I can live more within my means. Once I can get in the swing of doing that consistently, then I'm hoping I'll have enough money to start saving money for things I need (items for place, car parts etc) and contributing more to my Roth IRA account I've had since I've had a job at 16, that way, when I'm ready to retire, I have enough money to do it.

-Health and Wellness
No, this does not mean I'm doing Weight Watchers, Atkins or severely changing my lifestyle, though that might come into play eventually. Right now, I'd like to go see my doctor, get a general checkup and make sure that I'm doing at least OK, health wise. I found a gym I'd like to join, but need Financial Stability to improve some before I enact that plan, so for the time being I still go to the Rec Center, along with light cross training at home (Sit-ups, push-ups and things of that nature). I move into my new apartment in a month, so once I do that, I will officially be buying food for myself and the boy, which means I can keep my food for myself and make food for myself and not worry about either (a)people eating it or (b)how much of it I have to buy.

-Education
This is going to be a long one, but one that will hopefully be worth it all in the end. Part of it is working on going back and getting my Masters in Public Administration or some other degree to further my career and it'll be great as soon as I figure out what I'm doing. The other part of it though is self-education on basic things in life. For instance, the other day, my mommy friend and I were standing in front of my car while I tried to tinker with the oil measuring stick thingy when she asked me if I had a manual for my car. The boy's car mechanic uncle had told me months ago to get one if I wanted to learn more about my car, and I really need one for several reasons. One, if something goes wrong with the car and no one is around to help me, I at least want to be able to try to figure out what's wrong with it. Two, I have no intention of getting rid of this car until it falls apart. Definition of "falls apart" - I'm sitting at a red light. Suddenly, the engine falls out from underneath the hood, the tires fall off of the spokes that hold it on, the doors fall off and there has to be absolutely, positively no way that I can fix the car, for me to get rid of this car. So I need to learn about it, so I know how to fix it and what to do with it. There are other things I need to get books for so I can learn how to fix them. As soon as I remember what else I want to learn how to fix, I'll know what else I'm educating myself on.

-Organization/Minimization
I have one month until I move into my new apartment. I look like I have no intentions of moving out of my 22 year old room for another 20 years. I'm moving into the apartment with 3 other boys and I'm sharing a room with one of the boys. Its time to minimize down. Right now, I'm on the Clothes minimization phase of things, going through my closet and taking everything out that I haven't wore since I took it out of storage last summer. Whatever I don't want I'm letting the boy's sister look at first to see if she wants it and then whatever she doesn't want I'm giving to either Plato's Closet or Goodwill depending upon quality. Then I pack what I do keep away for the next two months and pull all my winter clothes out (since it finally go cold about 3 weeks ago) and same thing. I'm bad about minimizing things down, because for me some things hold significant meaning. I've just had it though. I'm tired of tripping over clothes that I no longer want or no longer need and so I'm forcing myself to organize and get rid of stuff. Much easier said than done, but its actually happening, so I feel this is good progress.

We'll see how it all pans out in the end. Right now, I work on the things I can and hope that I can tackle other parts as the year goes on and then update this regularly, so I can see how I've progressed.

Happy 2010! Things can only get better from here.

Project Find Another Job Update: Take this Job aaaand...

shove it, shove it, shove it up your butt! Yahoo!!

I put in my two weeks notice last Thursday. Oh my god, I can't believe I did it. Finally. Its still taking time to sink in that after next Friday, I will no longer have to return to my personal job from hell. Right now, I'm counting it down by shifts (currently 3 to go) and stitching my pants together everyday, because I absolutely refuse to go out and buy another pair of khaki pants for 3 shifts, and then will never wear ever again. I probably won't believe it until Black Friday is over (for me, 11:00 at night) and get into my car. I will probably clap happily. I might even run over my apron a couple of times in the parking lot and then go screeching off into the night. I have never been so happy about escaping from somewhere before. And yes, this is an escape.

Its an escape from baseball caps, khaki pants that don't ever seem to fit me right, a broken down for the SEVENTH TIME this year espresso machine and from burning my fingers off. Its an escape from feeling and knowing that i'm 27 years old and responsible, yet treated like a 7 year old who doesn't comprehend the meaning of responsibility. From having people roll their eyes at me when i make suggestions for improvement and then being told "That's just not possible." An escape from crappy hours, stinky pay and yet being worked like a farm animal. Mostly, its an escape from a situation that is just not fixable. In three shifts, i get to say "This is not my problem anymore!" I can not wait.

My solution for getting out of the job is not perfect and not without its flaws. But its an improvement. If nothing else, there will be the opportunity for advancement, benefits and the closest to 40 hours that i've seen in the last year and a half, on a consistent basis. Leaving my current job has now given me the opportunity to focus on something I want to focus on...my career. On top of that, I have an interview with a TV station for their sales department. And, i've found two other jobs to apply for that I might actually semi-enjoy. We'll see. I still don't ask for much.

I feel like i've moved forward in the right direction. I feel like my soul died a lot within the last year of having to be at this job and feeling like there was no escape. I guess there always is an escape. Sometimes, you have to step back, ask yourself how much you are willing to take, willing to put up with, before you say "This is just not worth the paycheck." Money is important, especially if you want to live. I've just hit the point where I refuse to stress myself out when I can be somewhere else I am appreciated.

So, i'm still in food service. It won't be fantastic. But it will be better. And I can continue to look for another job in my field, figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life and maybe accomplish some life goals before I die. Unless I give up entirely and just sell my car and move to Tahiti. Tahiti could be good.

Limits...

Everyone has them. If they say they don't, they are lying. No one is that patient.

The point, where you feel your blood boil, your eyes cross and you're 99% positive that the next person who crosses your path is going to be strangled, because YOU HAVE HAD IT!

I knew my limits were being reached. I knew that I was starting to lose patience and that the mantra that I had been repeating to myself for a month and a half was starting to be listened to less and less. I even told the boy and his cousin this. That I knew it wasn't going to take much more before I was going to be pushed over the edge and the person in question was going to see a side of me that not many have seen, well, ever.

I'm a really patient person. A really forgiving person. I give people a lot of chances, sometimes at a cost to myself, because it allows me to be taken advantage of. Because that's the kind of person I am. I help people. I'm really good at it. But, as I've gotten older, I've started to debate whether its good for me.

So I excused the money owed. I excused the late nights of being woken up to arguments and yelling and partying, because I reminded myself "You were 19 once." I excused the irresponsible behavior as a phase that was going to pass and told myself "you are at fault too" more than once, when I took him to work and ended up late for work myself after I told him I couldn't do it, and he gave me the pleading eyes and I gave in, after I was really proud of myself for standing my ground. I even excused the night of having to sleep in a smelly, stinking of beer room because he and his girlfriend were drinking and spilled beer in the room I sleep in. (Not my bedroom at home obviously, because I would've lost patience a long time ago.) I excused a lot of things.

Last week, I woke up groggy and confused. Without looking at the time I knew something was off. The boy was lying next to me "What time is it?" "I don't know" "Has your alarm gone off?" "I don't know." "Well, look at your phone." "O---------k, where the hell's my phone?" Panic button pushed at 6:02 in the morning. I know I had my phone last night. I pulled it out of my purse, set the alarm, put it by my pillow and went to sleep. The night before was long, but not long enough for me to forget what I did with my phone. Its been a long few months, my purse had been stolen, which has led me to not think the best of people anymore, and take into consideration whether my phone had been stolen, which was the only conclusion either of us could come to, after calling it and not hearing it ringing anywhere in the house. The boy immediately got upset and went to talk to his mom about what happened, while I ran to my car and my parents house in hopes that maybe I had just left it in one of those two places even though I knew i hadn't. Even though I knew that friends had been in and out of the house the previous night and I knew that the friends are suspect, and that's horrible to think, but honestly, what else am I supposed to think?

I manage to get the boy to work at 6:40, while I have started simmering in a slow rage thinking more and more about the situation and how dare they take my phone! Mothertruckers, I'm kicking somebody's butt to the moon and back. And its not about the phone itself, I have insurance and so the phone itself is replaceable. Its about peace of mind. Its about being able to go to sleep and not having to worry about locking everything I own in a box, so I don't have to worry about it being taken. AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

By the time I get home, I already have a plan. Look in the house one more time. Maybe it got kicked and put on silent or something. If I can't find it, call work, call out sick, call the cops, call the phone company and get my phone turned off and then have the situation looked at until somebody is busted. I'm downstairs, tearing pillows off couches and moving couches away from the wall, when the boy's brother walks downstairs, around the corner and then asks "Are you looking for something?" "No, I tear all houses apart before I go to work, it helps me center myself, of course I'm looking for something!" "This?" and out appears the phone. DEEP sigh of relief and then "Where did you find?" "In the bathroom upstairs." "I never went up there last night." "Oh, well so and so must have mistaken it for theirs and took it up there and left it." Boy's brother walks away. I'm left going "what?"

I sit at work all day and process the situation and continue to get mad. I'm pretty positive I'm being lied to and am feeling taken advantage of. I'm staring at cups and if I had lasers shoot out of my eyes, paper coffee cups would've been on fire all morning long. My co-worker wanted to know what the cups did to me. I call a friend to discover that my suspicions have been confirmed, that I have in fact been lied to, and I am in a rage all over again. But this is the quiet plotting rage. Its the not good rage. I need to fix this, now, and I know it, or it will be impossible to repair the damage that has been done in my head.

The situation remained unfixed for two days. Not good. It only allowed me to continue to think and to get my thoughts together, to get them more coherent. I finally get a chance to deal with the situation, but I don't think it did me any good. I'm still angry. Worse yet, I'm continuing to be lied to, which is only making the situation in my head worse. I'm becoming more quiet, I'm being allowed to stew, and I'm telling you right now, that's not a good place for me or for the person I'm angry with. I'm not prone to vindictiveness, but its become too dramatic. And when things become too dramatic, I either become vindictive, or I walk away from it, and do my best to keep it at bay, because I'm trying to be the bigger person. I really don't want to react in either of those ways. I really can't in a way. He's almost family, and that's a problem. But he's thrown my life into an upheaval, and I am at a loss as to how to handle it.

I Will Not Hate Everything Because I Hate My Job...

I will not, I will not, I will not hate my life, because I hate my job with all my body and soul.

I mean, seriously, I have never hated something this much before in my life. Ever. And I have had some crappy jobs, dealing with crappy people, and I thought I hated that. But really, in the grand scheme of things I didn't. Not with even a tenth of what I hate my current job right now. The job that, if I didn't have, I wouldn't have health insurance. I like health insurance. I appreciate health insurance. (You never realize how badly you need it, until you don't have it.) But I HATE my job. Hate it from the roots of my hair to the tips of my toes. I think about having to go to it when I'm working my other jobs and I literally shudder.

The really sucky part is that for the most part, I don't hate this job because of what I do. Its actually kind of fun and most of the people I work with are awesome. But the parts of this job that I don't like, they kill me. With all my soul. And I'm not exaggerating it. Believe me, if you went through what I go through on almost a weekly basis, dealing with what I deal with and what i'm told and what I have to hear, you would hate this job with all of your soul. Believe me, I know what a crappy job is. For goodness sake's I had a kid puke on me on the first day of the first job I ever had, and that job was 20 times better than the job i'm in now. If I could walk away from this job, I would in a heartbeat, a nanosecond, wouldn't even think twice about it, would not have any regrets and would probably go home and throw a party and burn all attire associated with this position. Big bonfire. Huge.

Now, I know. Blah blah blah, you complain about your job, you hate it, do something about it. I'm trying, damnit. I have applied for position after position. I have tweaked my resume about 13 different ways. I tailor my cover letter to each position I apply to so that it doesn't sound like a uniform letter I blanket every company with, but that I actually took the time to find out about the position and stuff. I either haven't gotten past initial interviews or no one has called me or returned my calls. Part of that i'm sure is just that I'm competing against tons of people who have no jobs. I'm also starting to wonder if i'm so...God, I hate saying this...desperate for any job that I consider better than what I have, that it shows and I'm trying to fit myself into a job, that everyone knows I have no business applying for, or something like that. It makes sense in my head, work with me. The point is, I can't do this job forever. Actually, I'm not really sure I'm going to make it through the holidays with this job, before I go bananas, throw a hissy fit and go running into the night screaming "Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr again!" But, I have living standards. I like insurance and I like having a decent paycheck I can rely on coming in every two weeks. So, basically, I need a 36-40 hours a week job, that provides me with health insurance and guarantees that I won't be treated like shit. I'm probably asking for a lot. But I really feel like I'm not. I feel like i'm asking for what every other red-blooded, beer drinking American with a college education is expecting. I have a college education. And I'm really smart. I am so much better than this.

So, I've enacted a plan. Its my 'I'm going to find myself another job if it kills me, which it just might' plan. First, I need to really honestly sit down and figure out my skills for real, then figure out where all those skills can be applied, so that I can show I'm super awesome for some kind of job. Then apply for a job, hopefully do awesome in the interview, get a better job and escape my hellhole job. Everything else after that is really small potatoes.

I'll keep you updated as things progress.

The Fog's lifting?

Have you ever walked into a situation and realized for the first time, you're seeing it with clear eyes? Its kind of like the fog lifting, you just suddenly see everything. Its cool and crazy and disorienting all at the same time.

No, I'm not tripping. Promise. Unless you count my addiction to coffee. But I generally don't get coffee highs anymore. Makes it much easier to function, when you don't have the urge to do 17 backflips. Its just that last year seemed like a roller coaster for me, much like for everyone else. I was not handling things well. I think I finally realized today that I'm starting to deal with life better. I feel like I'm seeing the full picture and I feel better.

I was going to say that its not like anything has really changed from a year ago, but that's not true. A year ago, I was slowly but surely seeing what was heading towards me like a freight train career wise. I was avoiding it like the plague, telling myself that if I don't acknowledge it, I don't have to deal with it. Oh, sure, I took the coffee job, but that was just because I figured it would be helpful to have it to get through Christmas. Or maybe in the end, I knew what was coming. I knew I sucked wind at doing news. No two ways about it. Its not my strong suit. But, I didn't know what else I was going to do. So, I stubbornly kept at what I was doing, to my own demise. Well, sorta. Its complicated. Much like my life in general.

I'm still in radio. Yay! Not at the same capacity I used to be. I still get to do cool stuff and work cool shows. And, i'm still on air, just not as much as I used to be. I think it makes it easier to do it now. Radio has gone back to being fun for me, rather than something I dread. Which is freaking sweet.

Starbucks sucks the soul out of me. Its just not where I want to be. But, for the first time in almost 4 years, I have medical insurance. Which means I can afford to get hurt and sick. And I can tackle some health stuff that I've need to tackle, like a general check up with my doctor. That'd be nice. And get some new glasses. And get my teeth cleaned. That'd be nice too.

The truth of the matter, is that I think I've been working on parts of myself without realizing it. And I like the person I am. And while I don't like where I'm necessarily at in life, i'm positive that I'm going to look back on all this in about 10 years, and laugh, remembering the time I spilled soy milk all over myself three times in one week (which is a record, by the way), and being on the go, working events for the station and fitting in traffic and having to rely on my phone and my calendar to make sure that I don't forget where I'm supposed to be when. And while I'd like to find one job, where I can get insurance and paid enough to afford an apartment and a puppy, i'm working towards those goals my own way. I've come to realize that its not going to all happen overnight, and sometimes as hard as you work, you still have a long way to go before things really start to pan out. I'm mostly trying to stay positive about everything. Because worrying for the last year has gotten me nowhere, except upset and crying over bullshit that I can't control or situations that I can't change.

The fog's lifting and i'm starting to see the sun. And that's enough for me.

Finding something to be thankful for...

Its the most complicated thing to do. I mean, you're already having a crappy day, you hate everything and everyone pretty much, and then you get to the one day of the year when you are expected to actually be thankful for things. And all you want to do is to give everyone the finger and tell them "Screw you guys, I'm goin' home!!!!" Which of course makes you look mean and crazy.

Anyways, things were different this Thanksgiving. I mean, since I was a little kid, Thanksgiving has pretty much consisted of the same thing...turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatos with mini marshmallows (burnt of course), homemade cranberries, discussions on what we are going to watch on the tv, fights over who stuck their finger in the tub of whip cream, a long argument over the use of the dish washer and who's rinsing and loading the dishes, trying to haul out 20 bags of trash, finding the wishbone and then passing out on the couch while watching football. Its always been the four of us, just around the house.

Then the boy's mom invited us next door for Thanksgiving dinner. My dad was pretty happy since he wouldn't have to cook a turkey and all that, I think me and my little brother were relieved that we wouldn't have to fight over the dishes. We agreed to do desserts (Mom's apple pie, yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum) and pretty much didn't worry about it too much.

Then the day came. And like everything else, we can't just have a normal discussion about things, we have to argue about it. I don't think we are happy sometimes, unless our voices are raised. Anyhoo, my mom was all antsy about going. My dad just wanted to get over there, and eat and nap and we kept reminding the lil bro to keep himself in check. Finally after we got over it, we went next door and sat down at with 20 other people. (The boy has a lot of family.) It was fun and i'm happy we did something different.

But, like always, I have a tendency to reflect on what i'm thankful for, mostly while i'm half asleep on the couch. I dunno, i'm trying to think of what I'm thankful for this year. At the very least, I am thankful I have a job, while it may be crappy and drive me crazy, I do have some kind of money coming in, so that is good. I still have my friends and family, though I may not see them much or talk to them often, I do have them. I have the boy in my life, who is a wonderful person, no matter how exasperating he is. I suppose i should be thankful for the thread of sanity I have in still left in my little brain. I mean that's the best I have right now though.

Never take a part time job, because it will become your full time life

That's from Pablo Picasso...i'm too tired to come up with things like that on my own, but not too tired to not acknowledge the smartness from where the thought is coming from. Because it is so true, at least at my estimation, that its not even funny anymore.

My life has become the radio station and Starbucks. Oh, and sleep. Those three things. I've actually forgotten if I've taken a shower somedays, I don't always remember what I ate or when I ate or if I've actually eaten. I dreamed about making Starbucks coffee the other night. I've had espresso contact highs on 3 different occasions, which has basically consisted of me babbling like a mad woman either to myself or someone else, mostly my parents. When I see them that is. I don't talk to my friends, I don't see the boy, and I'm lucky if I see my parents.

Its only going to get worse next week. I'm working 37 hours, just at Starbucks. I'd like to take a vacation from the radio station for a day or two at least in the next few weeks to actually have the ability to sleep. I'm tired of having no time for anyone else or myself. There are not enough hours in the day to do the things I need or want to do. I'm tired of feeling like i'm letting everyone down and I'm sick to death of busting my ass to make ends meet and getting nowhere fast. I have goals, things I want to do and places I want to go see and be. I want to spend time with people and be able to talk to people and have a conversation that doesn't consist of "I worked and I worked some more and I hate my life". THIS IS NOT MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will not become the best Starbucks barista ever or continue to be paid what I'm not worth to do something, where I don't even feel I'm appreciated at in the first place. I want to do something to help people, to make a difference and will give me some sort of job satisfaction at the end of the day. I want the ability to make ends meet without having to work myself to death. I want to be able to have a social life. I want to be able to vegitate and read and not have to worry about having to be somewhere or doing something. I want to be busy, but be able to tell people "Sorry, I'm taking a personal timeout". I don't have time to do that. I don't have time to cry.

I don't even have time to finish this damn post. Damnit!!!!