Breastfeeding...

is for the birds...seriously.

I'm a wimp. Its fine, whatever. I survived 37 hours of labor, 28 of it sitting at home, breathing it out WITHOUT meds mind you. So, my boobs, my heart and my kid could not take more than 11 days of breastfeeding. The litmus test for boobie feeding seems to be 3 months. My cousin lasted 7 weeks. Had I tried to do it for a month I might have had to cut my boobs off.

The first night, it seemed really easy. Eli and I seemed to get into a rhythm of things, he was feeding, I was feeding him, we were both really happy. Day two went really well too, he ate, slept and pooped. I ate and slept.

Then, there was night two. When suddenly, Eli had a fit. Its fine, to an extent, except that hearing my child SCREAM cry is not something I can remotely handle at all. It kills me quite frankly. I can deal with him crying in general, and I can deal with some moaning and whining, but screaming? Nope, not happening, breaks my heart. So, when he did it that night, and I couldn't seem to calm him down to save mine or his life, I freaked out. I was exhausted. They took him from me to do some tests and I slept while he was gone. When he came back, he was sleepy and so was I, but the nurse insisted that I had to feed my kid, who was asleep. It was a rather painful feeding and Eli seemed to struggle through it. Something was off from the night before.

The next day, the day we were released from the hospital was even worse. First off, they circumsized him, poor little guy. When they came to get him for his circumsision, they took him in the middle of a feeding, so he only got to eat for 15 minutes and was STILL HUNGRY! After they did that, he was obviously upset, but instead of bringing him back or waiting until I was done feeding him to take him, so that maybe he would've handled it a bit better, they gave him sugar water! WHY ARE YOU GIVING MY KID SUGAR WATER WITHOUT MY PERMISSION??? By the time they brought him back to me, 3 hours later (because he had to have other tests done), he was passed out from the stress of it all, and didn't want to eat. 2 hours later, Eli finally wakes up and he's PISSED! He's upset, i'm trying to eat and feed him, he seems to be having trouble latching on, and on top of that, he keeps pulling away from me and SCREAMING! Ack! I'm starting to freak out, because at the rate we are going, we are never going to be able to leave, because I can't feed my poor kid. On top of everything else, breastfeeding is a bit of an art form, and if your kid doesn't latch on right, you are asking for problems, i.e. my nips cracking! Owwwwwwwwwww! Some how or another we got through it, and made it home. That night was exhausting, with lots of crying on both his and my part, but we sorta made it through it.

Here was what pushed me over the edge...

1. My kid crying relentlessly and fighting me constantly to get on and off the boob. First, he'd cry to get on, then pull off and cry some more. Who has time for that fight?

2. Eli developed the worst diaper rash in the world. I mean, his butt turned bright red and it started blistering. My son literally scooted away from me at a week and a half old to have me avoid touching his ass with a diaper wipe. Ummm, I'm not sure that's entirely okay with me.

3. We had a 4 day stretch of the following scenario. 5 to 7 hours of...eat, poop, sleep for 10-25 minutes, wake up, scream to eat, poop, sleep, eat, poop, sleep, eat, poop, sleep...Don't get me wrong, babies eat, poop and sleep. That's what they do. Its fine. But doing it without a relentless break for hours on end. I'm sorry, i'm not a strong enough woman to do that. And quite frankly, neither are my boobs or Eli's little butt.

I finally relented when Ray lost his mind and told me to end it, because he couldn't take coming home and finding me and Eli both crying. Fix the problem. We first tried regular formula. That ended lovely when me and Ray took him to his first doctor's appointment, fed him while we waited for the doctor and then first had Eli spit up all over daddy and not just a little bit, but quite a bit, and then while Ray was cleaning himself up, had Eli spit up all over me...down my shirt by the way. The doctor was a bit concerned and suggested we try another formula. Ray went and bought soy and two days later, Eli's diaper rash cleared up, we had no more 5 hour stretches of relentless eating and both me and Eli started eating and sleeping better.

I understand the wonderfulness of breastfeeding, don't get me wrong. Its healthier for mommy and baby, its cheaper (to an extent), and a whole host of other things you get told when they are first trying to convince you to breastfeed. However, at the end of the day, I can't help but feel like the best decision I ever made for me and my son, was to switch to the bottle.

I never thought...

I'd have a child. There. I said it.

Most women, when they think about their future, usually have a long term plan. It usually involves, at the very least, a career of some kind, a place of their own to live in, friends, and eventually, co-habitation with a significant other, maybe leading to marriage and eventually, if you like them enough, kids. These last two things I pretty much planned on never happening to me.

Dating never happened much for me in high school or college. Most people who knew me I think got pretty used to me being perpetually single. This was not a bad thing necessarily. I did a lot of things, I had a lot of fun. But, was I lonely when I looked at my attached friends and knew I was going home to an empty bed? You bet I was. Sometimes, I felt like the loneliest person around. For goodness sakes, I was 26 years old and a virgin, so how attractive could I really be to the opposite sex? After a long time, I did my best to not worry about it, because what was the point? If I was meant to walk through this life alone, that was what I was meant to do.

I became further convinced of this, when I found out I had Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. Along with giving me the WORST menstrual cycles of my life, and potentially leading to other problems such as diabetes and high blood pressure, I was also told it would be next to impossible for me to conceive and carry a child. I hid my emotions at the time, because I was in college, but I was devastated. I would never have a child. Never be able to experience pregnancy. It is, in my opinion the most heartbreaking news a woman can receive in her life, especially, if eventually, even for a moment, she contemplated having kids.

So, I moved forward. What any normal person does their best to achieve when they are dealt that kind of news. I focused on finishing school, finding a career and trying to improve my financial situation, so I could eventually move out of my parents house and live on my own. You know, attempt to be a grown up. It wasn't easy. I wasn't making much money in my choice of career, even though I experienced some of the most amazing moments of my life at my job. Without making a lot of money, I had a lot of trouble moving out on my own and worked towards finding a second part-time job to help with the lack of money. I still had fun though. I went out with friends, I traveled some, I had experiences and adventures. I was happy, or as happy as I could imagine myself being.

Then, enter Ray. (i.e. the boy) Some people claim things happen for a reason. The other half of the world claims it's bahooey. I think things happen for a reason. Had I moved out of my parents house, would Ray and I have ever met? Or re-met, considering we went to the same elementary school, rode the same bus and the same middle school too. I don't know. It really doesn't do any good to play that game. But, we met or re-met. And, we started talking. I wasn't sure how I felt. I liked him, but getting my hopes up was normally reserved for things like Buy One, Get One Free Cupcake days, not for things like love. I had became very insistent that I was going to be alone, for well, ever. Ray changed that for me. I know its bad to an extent, but he helped me to believe that I was beautiful, worth going after, and lovable. He was, and still is, my comfort, my calm when chaos is reigning supreme. I can go to him, and talk to him, or sometimes not even talk, just sit and just be with him and things will be better or will get better eventually. That was the deciding factor, the final push I needed to know that in spite of my own emotional misgivings, that I would find happiness with this person.

Don't get me wrong. Nothing is perfect, not even a relationship. Its good, its great even, its fun and exciting. Heartbreaking and unforgiving. You get in fights, say things you don't mean, sometime say things you do mean. You learn to live with a persons' good and bad parts. You know, all that crap. You go through the ups and downs, you have debates about changing things and improving your lives together. You find yourself making decisions together. You get happy when you feel things coming together.

And, then, you are thrown a loop, you'd never in a million years expect. Even weirder, when you make the discovery at your local Target bathroom, while your friend's two year old tries to peek under the door to find out what you are up to. A baby. Of course, I automatically think this is a joke, maybe a false positive (very rarely do those exist by the way). Instead, its a baby. Growing inside me. A person that Ray and I created together. I wouldn't have believed it, if I hadn't had it confirmed via ultrasound. I was still on birth control. (Because, obviously, YOU NEVER KNOW.) Again, things happening for a reason? I mean, a million in one shot almost. Yet, there I was, pregnant! HOLY CRAP!!

Pregnancy was really crazy. Overwhelming and stressful at some points. Hormonally deranged, terrifying, back and forth on what you want to do, how you handle things, how you REALLY feel about it. If your honest, you're excited, scared, shocked...there aren't enough words to describe the emotions. How could I not be overwhelmed? Then, the problems start. Gestational Diabetes, easy to manage once you know what you are doing. Then, concerns over his growth rate, which was smaller than expected. That made me cry. My little boy, smaller than what he should be. How could it be? I was trying to be so careful. I was trying so hard. How could this happen? Was he going to survive all this? Delivery, life outside the womb all together? Only one way to find out...

He was supposed to be arriving last Tuesday. He decided to start heading out last Sunday, and arrived last Monday, a week before his due date. 6 pounds, 11 oz. 20 inches long. A head full of hair just like me. He's little, so little, but he's strong. One hell of a temper. My little Elijah. Eli for short. Ray, me and Eli. A little group of 3. Ray loves him so much, he so proud to be a dad. I can't believe I'm a mom, especially to this little tiny bundle. I never thought I would have him, and I wasn't sure he was going to survive. But, he's here. And, I don't know how I've lived without him.

Reality Check...Part 2

REALITY: You will never be more terrified, excited or aflurry with as many emotions as you will be when you get ready to give birth to your child.

I'm crazy. I admit to it. I went to work, in spite of my better judgement, and was going along fine. Then came 5:45. And, an almost heart stopping braxton-hicks contraction. (I.E. False Labor) Oh, its fine, i'm cool. Almost an hour labor another heart stopping contraction. Come the third one in the 7:00 hour and it hits me...I am in the early stages of labor. Grrreeeeaaaaat!

Terrified. I'm going to completely mess up my child and destroy him some way or another. I don't know how, I just know I will. Oh sure, I've babysat. I worked in the kids camp at the YMCA. I took care of the boy's nephew all last year from 2 months on. But, i'm about to become a mom. Why in the world would God let ME become a mom?! I'm a walking disaster case. I'm selfish. I've only cared about my career before this point. My life will never be the same EVER AGAIN!

Excited. Oooh, he's finally almost here! Probably 24-36 hours at most! I finally will get to see my lil jellybean! I hope he's cute! I wonder if he'll have a lot of hair like me. Do I have everything? Did I take care of everything? I need my checklists! Do his laundry! Hell, maybe I should do my laundry! EEEEEEEEHHHHH!!!!

Anger. I need more time. Who the hell does this kid think he is? I'm not ready. The boy's not ready. WE are not ready for this! How dare he! (This emotion really only lasts about 5 seconds when you remind yourself its not your kids' fault he's coming into the world.)

Its all there. All these emotions. Spaz attack central. As of this point, we're estimating i've been in labor for just over 12 hours today. I'm still at home, obviously. They don't want me to go in until my contractions are 5 minutes apart for an hour. Right now, i'm at 23-25 minutes apart an hour. OMG! This is gonna take way too effing long. But, we are hitting the home stretch.

The Plight of Preggo...

So, as of today, i'm 38 weeks pregnant, making me REAAALY preggo at this point. I'm glad that this is almost over. Its exhausting. Like, more exhausting than you can imagine if you've never been through this before. There comes a certain point, where your done, then there comes the point when you are REALLY done, and you're ready for this to be over. Why?...

-You can't do things for yourself after a certain point...I know some people don't mind this, but for me, this is the most frustrating thing in the world. I HATE having to rely on other people to do basic things for me, like picking things up off the floor and such other nonsense. I'm ready to go back to being the capable normal lady who can do crap for herself.

-I have lost my mind, literally...Like, literally, lose track of what I was saying 5 minutes ago, can't remember what I was doing, lost car keys for a month, lost everything! I have spent more time the last month in a half driving past my neighborhood before realizing that I completely missed the turn, than ever before in my life. I want my mind back. Apparently though, preggo mind is just training for mommy brain, when you not only lose your mind, but your senses also. Just freaking perfect.

-I'm over the diabetes bullshit...Seriously, i'm over it. I'm over having to watch my intake of sugar and all that shit, and doing it right, but at the same time trying to make sure i'm getting enough carbs to give my son energy to do well enough and be awake enough for his NSTs. If i'm going to cut back on my sugar intake and exercise well too, i need this kid out!

-I WANT TO DRINK!!!...Sorry, hate breaking it to you, but I have never wanted a drink so bad before in my life! I mean, pregnancy is stressful, its a change of your life, COMPLETELY. And, that's just adjusting to the fact that you're carrying around a child and becoming a mommy, nevermind everything else that comes with it. Honestly, a drink is the least of what you want...its really more like a half bottle of vodka, with a splash of tomato juice. Its ridiculous, but fine, whatever, i'm ridiculous, I WANT AN EFFING DRINK!

-I'm so tired of being called preggo...Almost everyone calls me preggo. It has become the most annoying nickname of my life. I'm tired of being preggo. I want to be normal Flaherty. I'm ready to be normal Flaherty. I know that normal Flaherty is really a thing of the past to an extent, because i'm becoming a mom and that changes everything...but i'm done with Preggo. Preggo needs to be in my past.

I dunno...there's so much more to it than just that, that drives me CRAZY about pregnancy, but i'm having a hard time remembering all of it. Damn you pregnancy brain!!!

Reality Check...

As my mom (or Grandma) informed me this morning, I have two weeks and 6 days left until my due date. That is down right frightening news considering...

1. We do not have all the parts for my son's furniture. Oh, you read that right. My son is here in two weeks and I only have one shelf for his dresser and half of his changing table put together, because in my infinite new mom wisdom, I thought that this was a good company to go with. I was wrooooong. The company doesn't even have a website. Which is pretty sad and pathetic in the grand scheme of things. Oh well. At least his crib went together with no problem. I'll take what I can get right now.

2. I'm having my last baby shower this weekend. Lesson: Don't let passive aggressive behavior get in the way of what is normally, logical thinking, because you will probably regret it in the long run. Am I getting what I want in the end? Yes. Was it really worth it in the end? Not in the grand scheme of things. There are now too many parties and WAAAAAAY too much stuff. Well, the last part is not true. You really can never have too much stuff for your child. Except maybe newborn onesies. You can have too many of those.

3. I've been so busy, I have not packed a hospital bag yet. This is a bit like living on the wild side in mommy to be world, because I should've apparently had the bag packed like three weeks ago. I'm attempting to pack it this weekend. We'll see if I have time for it.

In truth, if you haven't learned it at this point, you are a crazy mommy to be. YOU ARE NOT INVINCIBLE AND YOU CAN NOT DO IT ALL! Two months ago, I thought I could do it all. I thought I could be a creative artist, a health guru, a good employee and a good mommy to be. You can't and you probably won't accomplish everything. In reality, you will be lucky if you accomplish a third of what you set out to accomplish at the beginning of your pregnancy. You will have to accept it and move forward with your life, because, your kid will not remember the fact that he slept in his grandparents living room, and that it wasn't painted, or that you didn't have the laundry done on the day he arrived, or that you didn't walk a marathon a month after he arrived, or that you didn't show off your creative artistic abilities right before he was born. You will care if he arrives into the world in one piece and he will care that you love him, and feed him and take care of him and be the best mommy you can be.

Realistically speaking, thinking you can do it all leads you to act crazy, do crazy things way out of your character, and slightly lose touch with reality. You really don't mean to, but it happens, even to the best of us. Blame it on the hormones. It really is the truth.

What's in a name?...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The 2010 Self-Improvement Quest Mid-Year Update...

Umm, exsqueeze me, but we are already halfway through the year? Shut the hell up. No, seriously, I mean it. Anyways, since its been six months since I originally set out on the adventure of trying to improve my life FOR REAL this year, I figured I'd pause for a second and review what I planned on doing, and if I've actually gotten anywhere...

-Career Development

Ok, so here's the thing...unfortunately, the job market is tough. Whoa, way for me to blow your mind. However, I've still been job hunting. Well, I was job hunting until I got to be about 4.5 months pregnant and there was no way to ignore the fact that i'm, well, preggo. I mean, I tried, but unfortunately, while they may not come out and out and tell you they aren't hiring you because they don't want to lose you in 4 - 5 months to maternity leave, THEY DON'T WANT TO HIRE YOU BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU IN 4-5 MONTHS TO MATERNITY LEAVE. Blah! It sucks. I have lots of skills. I made a list of them for goodness sakes. But, you can't make someone hire you, I still fully believe that with all my heart. I have plans though. I sent my resume to the local chapter of the Susan G. Komen Foundation to volunteer with office work and event planning, because that is one good way to get some good experience, even if I can't convince people to hire me right now, maybe 6 months down the line they will. It can't hurt to try. I'll try to work on improving this after my son arrives.

-Financial Stability

Surprisingly, in spite of the fact that my job stinks and the pay stinks, I am on financially better ground than I was a year ago. Crazy, i know. But, our bills are being paid, on time. My credit card is going to be paid off hopefully before I go on maternity leave, and by tax time next year, we should only be paying two bills..cell phone and car insurance. Holy crap! The one thing I've sucked at is still savings. However, if we can continue down the path of paying off bills, i'm hoping that we will be able to start adding to our savings account when I get back to work. At least, that's my goal.

-Health and Wellness

Health and Wellness took on a mind of its own. Along with pregnancy, came my sudden addiction to fruits, vegetables, wheat bread, peanut butter and milk and water. Caffeine has not been in my system in over 7 months. (Imagine what I'm going to be like when I get it back, yikes!) I've cut a lot of unnecessary crap from my diet. I do yoga five days a week. (Not the most flexible gal still, but it helps with certain wellness aspects.) And, with Gestational Diabetes, i'm extremely picky about what I put in my mouth and how much. I'm not going to lie, i'm not perfect. I still like a little bit of sweets every once in a while, but it's quite different from a year ago, where I just kinda put whatever I felt like in my mouth and was done with it.

The one thing I didn't think about wellness wise, was stress. Stress is actually still quite a big thing in my life, and I really have got to find some constructive ways to deal with besides eating, or yoga...or crying, blech. I'll have to do some research on this and go from there.

-Education

There's a tie in I didn't talk about up in career development. But, its education too. Its considering taking tax preparation classes and becoming a tax preparer during tax season. Earlier this year, I ended up doing 4 different people's taxes, including my own. I mean, I got paid for it a little, but if i'm gonna do it, why not get really paid for it. I need to find a good program though. H&R Block has one, but its $300!! Aaaah, how do I pay for that? I'm researching that plan. (And looking into it for my mom, who needs a part time job.)

In other education aspects, I've had a lot of education on stuff I didn't plan on, especially the whole becoming a mommy thing. I'm taking a Lamaze class at the end of the month, a breastfeeding class, oh, I also took a nutrition class about having Gestational diabetes too. I don't know, my genius plan of getting a book to learn about my car failed miserably when my car died and we haven't been able to get the car fixed yet. I basically want to try to get a "Mrs. Fix-it" kind of book and learn how to fix basic things around the house, toilets, this, that and the other. And the boy and I have been discussing taking a cooking class together as something fun to do after I have the baby, though it might have to wait until next year depending upon the cost. Yes, i am in fact a nerd.

-Minimalization/Organization

Ok, here's my opinion. After the last 8 months, I really think minimalization/organization is a LIFETIME process. You can get rid of as much stuff as you want, and still end up with more stuff. Now, this may have to do with the fact that I keep accumulating so much stuff for the jellybean, but seriously, the amount of clothes I've donated, the things from college that i've gone through and decided what I did or didn't want once and for all, and then minimizing my parents house down some, its been unreal. We've gotten rid of so much stuff. But, it feels like we have so much more stuff!! I was really proud of myself for getting rid of quite a bit of our DVD collection, which was craziness, and in actuality, we only got rid of about half of what we actually had, but we still got a good chunk of change from it, which was pretty cool.

I think that's the best summary of my self-improvement, at least at this point...Things are about to get seriously crazy, especially with my jellybean coming. We'll see how things progress from there!